Moments: Price Fun

Ian's giraffe meets his cousin John's giraffe. This was quite the celebration.

Beautiful Nothingness

2009's Photos from Parents House

It's amazing when you have time to literally do nothing. Here at my parents house it's a relaxing setting of just hanging out, letting the kiddos rest in the afternoon and catching up on your own thoughts. I could be ambitious and read the book I need to read, I could write to those people I've been meaning to send cards to and I could do a project for my mom...but I'd rather sit and rest and think and not do.

It's a beautiful moment to do nothing and with the intention and non-guiltness of nothing. I wish I could say that we have that built-in margin in our lives for rest and relaxation (and we somewhat do with a toddler not into activities yet) but there is still time where we could but we don't. That is something I'd like to make a priority in....creating margin to create rest times and reflection times in our home.

Non-cluttered, non "to-do's" time where you don't stare at the projects that need done but can simply be still. [It also helps being in someone else's home, you don't need to, have to or even want to change things.]

Moments: Grandparents

Ian "helps" grandma and grandpa make breakfast.

Ian: New Phrase: Alien

Ian was playing with his Toy Story alien when he proclaimed, "I come in peace!" 

Mark laughed so hard his stomach hurt.

Kara just sat there thinking "did he really say that & where did he hear that?!"

Recycled Black Friday Ads

Recycled Black Friday Ads: We repurposed them as wrapping paper. With their clear glossy colors and great texture it was actually quite cool to wrap gifts. Some duck tape was used for "ribbon". It was even more fun to cut out letters for the recipients initials.

Ian: New Phrase: Chocolates

Ian: "Mommy you want some chocolate?" Kara: "Yes. Chocolates are the bomb." Ian: "Yes. Chocolates are the boot."

Ian: New Phrase: Big Head

Ian, "Daddy slide down on your bottom." Me, "No. I'll walk like a biped." Ian, "Yeah. You walk like a big head."

Ian: New Phrase: Good Talk Daddy

Mark's Tweet:
Yesterday when I sat down after preaching my 3-year old put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Good talk daddy."

Kingdom Life - Priorities

It's true - when Mark gives a sermon, God hits me harder with its message. Today was no exception...and this ones NEEDS to stick. I distinctly remembr a Resolution List I put together back in 1999 and I found it in 2003 and was reminded how much I desired to change when I wrote it. I found that almost all had been accomplished except for the hard ones illuding to growth/wisdom/discipline.

I still struggle with discipline...obedience & following through and it does all come down to priorities...I choose to use my time to do this rather than this and now I reap the benefits or consequences. Here is my current list, a link to the sermon & the main points.

Kingdom Life: 1) Uncommon lifestyle, 2) Distinctively different Prayer life, 3) Purpose-driven Priorities

I would like to:
* not waste so much time on non-important things or hobbies (oouponing & internet surfing for deals)
* spend money only on budgeted items & necessities (stock-piling is ok at a minimal rate/depending on use)
* give sacrificially & routinely to those friends doing God's work
* focus time on Chazown things (a.k.a. use with my purpose)
- helping people (resources) & growing people (listening & running)
- making gifts
- consistently running & singing (not simultaneously)
- having a clean & non-cluttered home
* keeping those things only needed in the house:
- paper: bills, mementos in proper storage, coupons in binder, notes in boxes, announcements & cards on corkboard
- pictures on walls
- excess toys & clothes = out box
- magazines older than 6 months = out box
- notes = my Remains of the Day book
- ideas = in binder
* remind myself - I have not used it in a year and I will probably not use it - there will always be another deal & if I need it God will provide

I am Inspired by...

I got to thinking, after a friend wrote that I was an inspiration by what I was writing, about what it means to be inspiring...or to be inspired by...

So this is what I'm currently inspired by:
* my blog posts here (11-30-10) and here (12-14-10) about Resolve & fitness from one year ago (wow I was motivated and so driven!)
* people who are ultramarathoners or endurance athletes (they live it daily)
* people who give of themselves in unique ways
* mothers who still pursue their own avenues in life while caring for their children
* those women who have miscarriage after miscarriage and yet still see hope and a future for their family
* Jim Brickman (Holiday) Pandora playlist
* lists...
* my husband and his honesty with me whether I desire to hear it or not

December Daily - Life & Expectations

This year with everything going I'm opting to make our December daily pictures & traditions more simple and small.

We've been traveling a lot, Ian is growing up so much and although I have not exercised once since November 17th, I am somehow still able to fit into my clothes which is a blessing.

I'm having to become a list-maker again and needing to refocus life and expectations. Disappointment has been a running theme this past year in some areas of our life and yet other areas have been blessed. I'm seeing how as each year goes by that people truly do become wiser and have more opportunity to turn from their wicked, fleshly, selfish ways. New creations and renewed minds...have taken on new meanings to me. I'm no longer the teenager or 20-something who makes my mistakes over & over and then wonders why I struggle so much and there are consequences. However, I'm also not the 30-something yet who understands that quicker repentance leads to quicker restoration...or that more cautious & wise preparation leads to more wise choices.

How did I not get all of this before? I read about it, but it doesn't register until life experience fulfills it. I guess I'm more human than I think and more inclined to sin and mess up and go back to my old ways than I think I am. What foolish thinking on my part.

Allowing myself to understand...to give myself grace...to better use my time and gifts...and to keep moving...AND to reconnect with God in a new, humbling way.

October 21st to Now....

Many things have occurred in this span of time, some of which I am going to share now and some of which I am not going to until the timing is right.

No one really needs to read this, I hope others never have to experience this but if they do I hope it helps.

This is like waiting for a bomb to go off...

October 21st 5:35am - Pregnancy test read very positive, very quickly. Blood test later that day said that I was "very" pregnant (high levels) and my progesterone was low so I go get a $125 prescription for progesterone (hormone) so as to minimize the chances of miscarriage. Dr. Beckman's office can't get me in until Nov. 17th.

During the next several weeks, no healthy food is eaten, only whatever I crave in anticipation of this growing baby I have in my body and so all I eat seems like carbs, comfort foods and I can barely drink water so flavored drinks & NO RUNNING. This is very different than Ian's pregnancy but that is what other people say especially if this might be a girl. We are very, very excited. I am cautiously optimistic until I see the first ultrasound and hear the heartbeat. It's taken a while to get this pregnancy...

Weeks go by and I am covering a coworker at the hospital so I'm working a lot...and am pretty well exhausted at night and just trying to keep eating b/c I'm so nauseous. People tell me, nausea is good so be thankful for it. I become thankful for it & working is a great distraction. So thankful.

Come Nov. 17th, Thursday 10:45am - I am to be working this day but clock-out for this appointment. Dr. Beckman gets called out so we wait another hour...and more time...get my lovely physical...and finally over lunch (I'm starving by now) get to sit down for this ultrasound (the only thing I am really coming for). The screen pulls up...and all we can see is what looks like a whole...black space...for where a baby should be. SHOCK.

I'm thinking..."no way...and I have to work, I can't react, this is surreal"...the more it was all processed throughout the day the more emotions would come. Anembryionic pregnancy...my body is pregnant, thinks it is pregnant but there is no baby...just fluid and a sac. I'm having nausea for nothing. Devastating, loss of hope, loss of promise, questions, no answers, now have to wait to move on until this is out of my body.

Positive perspectives: the baby might not have been a healthy baby anyway, there was no baby so we will lose no baby - just the potential of one, I won't have to see a form of a baby at any point, that I can now relate just a little more to someone who miscarries...etc...etc BUT it doesn't change the fact that this has happened, that I feel like if I get pregnant again that I might have to face something worse or be even more nauseated, that people may or may not understand, that at this very moment I absolutely HATE my body.

We contact family & friends with the news, people are encouraging and loving. I find that most comforting phrase to be "Oh Kara, I'm so sorry". That is all that needs to be said and I learn how it feels to hear it. No need to explain it to me, no need to tell me this wasn't God's plan (which I know) just simply...I'm so sorry.

It's numbing now, 3 days post discovery, after medication, no miscarry is happening, tomorrow to be scheduled for a surgery that I don't want, never wanted nor do I ever want to have to do again. It's just surreal and I'm ok, it's just the harsh voices I have towards myself and my body right now. The hateful view of my abdomen, the depressive tendencies wanting to surface and the harmful eating habits I want to re-inhabit. I won't, I can't...I will be healthy. I just have to wait.

No one really needs to read this, I hope others never have to experience this but if they do I hope it helps. It helped to speak with Kendra, Stephanie and text many people. The most emotional moments are the ones that kill...the majority of the time I'm fine but those moments, the weak ones...impression themselves on you. The image will forever stick. The lost hope will be felt especially over the holidays...won't be buying items on Black Friday for this invisible baby nor praying for him/her...no looking forward to February to know the gender...nor thinking that June will come fast.

A very different mourning period, I don't want to cry, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm numb...I'd rather forget this happened but it did so now it's part of our story...

Due Date

Baby Messmore 2

Thoughts: "wow, we were hoping and I just wondered..." :)

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Canvases make great Christmas presents that are personal and look great without the added expense of a frame. I gave one to my father one year, and the 8×10 size is perfect to go on a shelf in his office.

Ink Garden: 9 Adorable Photo Gifts for the Cost of Shipping

Ink Garden has a great new promotion going on where you can get a $13 credit to use on their stylish and fun photo and customizable products. You can use this credit on just one item and get it for free (plus shipping) or you can buy multiple items and have it applied as a $13 credit. Shipping rates for the items included in this promotion are:
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•Note Cards: $3.29

Use code ForFree at check out to get your discount! This is a great way to order Christmas gifts or cards for a great price!

Make Jack O’Lantern from Baby Food Jars!

Go here to see the exact instructions!

Do you have a baby at your house? If you do, then you probably have baby food jars. Wash them out and use them for this super-cute Halloween craft. (If there is no baby at your house, ask to borrow some jars from a friend, sister, etc. These little pumpkin jars are worth the extra effort!)

Directions:

Step 1: Make sure your jar is clean and dry.
Step 2: Mix orange acrylic paint with some mod podge and paint the jar inside and out.
Step 3: Once it’s dry, use black paint to create a face for our “pumpkin”. Remember, you want it to look like a little jack o’lantern
Step 4: Place a candle inside the jar and let it shine.
Optional: You can tie raffia around the neck of the jar if you’d like.

The Coupons

Truth be told I do not like the term "couponing". There are too many visions of greedy women (yes stereotyping) running up and down the aisles getting as much as possible to take home and leaving the rest of us average Joes to fend for ourselvse and pay full-price.

Well I'm trying it out and setting up a system and looking for freebies and trying to figure out the math. Is it really worth it and a good dealt to get this now? or to wait a little longer?

The Price Matching is actually quite fun just time-consuming, haven't figured that one out but I have really enjoyed getting the deals that I have and feeling like I'm saving us money in the long-run.

There are some sites and offers I am coming by that I want to remember when Christmas comes around so I'm going to document them here:

Hallmark's Holiday Recordable Books $19.95 (beg. 11/4 to 12/24) with purchase, specifically: Frosty the Snowman & the Very First Christmas

LOVE THIS: from Family Fun Magazine - don't know if you can get this or not here.

KODAK: 50 free prints & $10 off your first order. Going to enroll AFTER Halloween for those prints!

Disney Family Fun's Christmas Book: $9.99

Little People Nativity Scene @ Family Christian for $23.99 with this 40% off code and this free shipping code until

Story: Trains & Mythbusters

Ian said they were all watching Mythbusters. We're so proud :-).

Quote

Tonight,

"mommy the sun is laying down....it's time for it to go to bed"

~ Ian's comment towards the sunset. :)

{31} a Birthday

I was able to take some time through driving and through writing to reflect on year 30. It was an interesting moment to recognize that although there have been some very low times in this past year; overall (with God's strength and guidance) it was a pretty spectacular year with many achievements and changes in focus and heart.

In year 30, I took on the challenge of {Resolve} in consistently working out and moving. Some of this was part of marathon training, some of stress-relief, my own therapy and discipline and time with God.

And I'm on-call with the hospital this weekend and just got called in so.......I will finish this post later ;)

{Chicago}: Sept. 12-14

As it goes - I haven't written in awhile and that is ok. My Chicago trip with Jill celebrating friendship, a little of my birthday and just getting away has imprinted itself on my mind. There's something about leaving your normal routine and environment that shifts the everyday mindset. You discover new things and miss other things. As much as I love the city, and I do: the hussle and bussle, the different faces and streets, the walking all the time and viewing God's creation from a different point-of-view...I welcomed back the simplicity of home, of medium-sized town, of driving town roads & state routes, of friends being near, and of not being too distracted (I hear God's voice louder in the quiet).

I'm posting some of my favorite pictures from the trip and even did a little book for Jill which I admittedly love! It has our pictures, maps and some other memoriabilia from the trip. I placed receipts in mine and other clippings. Here they are...

Crate & Barrell!

Laughing

Tastebud Tour: Gold Coast Dog

Tastebud Tour: Sugar Bliss {Cupcake Boutique}

[on 14 mile run] Content Kara

Today & Purpose

Wrote this to a friend today:
"it feels like forever that I have written a post! Purpose is an area of my life where it ebbs and flows...there are months where I think it's clicking and it is and then He moves me again to see that my purpose only lies in Him and often that means removing the present task in front of me to help me realize it is ONLY through Him. It's just this unsettled feeling and way of being that I try to learn through and move through but inevitably it rocks me to my core and frankly frustrates me....then I regroup and allow Him to move me rather than force my way through it with my pride as I have done so many times before. Humility waits... Hey I think I'll post that - that is exactly where I'm at....waiting..."

"It's good to know I'm not alone - especially on the motherhood front. I am so out of my element when it comes to mommy-isms and definitely not any type of picture of a regular mom - but then I think there is no one type of mom, we're all soooo different as our children are. I'd love to hear about any learnings or thoughts you have on where you're at and how your purpose continually develops!"

6 Weeks

As I am finding out a LOT changes in 6 weeks...

6 weeks ago I was working a week at the hospital and waiting to hear back if I had gotten a full-time job at a university to teach Pscyhology...my training run was at 9 miles after doing a 16-miler the week before, I remember it being hot, I packed my lunch each day very healthily and felt really good.

Fast forward 6 weeks, I am no longer counseling at CCJ, did not get that full-time job, am working at the hospital every Monday & filling in whenever, have a 20 miler tomorrow, and am beginning this new study "He Speaks to Me: Preparing to Hear the Voice of God" by Priscilla Shirer.

AND I'm begining to wonder what on earth will be changing for us in 6 more weeks...we might know of a new direction...will have just finished a mini-marathon or my 5th full marathon (depending on my desire & fitness) in Indy and may be preparing to work more hours at the hospital.

6 Weeks a lot changes...one day at a time...oh and I'll be 31 years old by then! Wow year 30 went by so fast!

Story: Cookout & 1st S'more!

Ian eats with good company (Justin excluded). During this cookout at the Weisman's Ian also experience his first S'more (pictures to come later!)

The Beginning of our Fall...

* dreaming of leaves/colors/sweatshirts

* football, football, OSU football
* clearing out the outdoor areas
* changing of colors in my mind
* my birthday is comin' up! (3-1)
* upcoming trips & races
- Chicago with Jill
- OSU football game & family visit
- Indy Race (marathon/mini-marathon)
- another mini-marathon race?
- Thanksgiving
* shopping for warmer running clothes
* new shoes for Ian!

Therapy..the experience.

A definition for therapy:
going from single to multi-dimensional perspectives, creating possibilities, seeing many different facets (or personal strengths), and recognizing underlying patterns (resources) beyond what is immediately apparent on the surface

from Michael Yapko's view on Hypnosis (not a fan of hypnosis but this essentially is what is experienced during therapy)

This Won't Make Sense...

It's a place I'd rather not be...a place of indecisiveness and stress but in order to de-stress it completely takes away feeling and just "is".

My heart doesn't bleed for others, it is once again numb and it desires to stay that way but in this non-feelingness it is unfulfilled and non-purposeful. It snaps at people especially those closest to me and gives pat answers just to fill space or to finish a conversation that hasn't even begun. It isolates and wants to stay hidden and in its own world.

It stunts my growth and leads me to a pit. The pit where there's more dark than light, where I convince myself that those "little things" - those white lies I tell myself, white sin little things don't matter and that I will be fine. It's an angry side of me. A side I'd rather have people not see but Mark knows it's there. He knows that it gives him "the look" when he does or doesn't do something that is expected or snaps at him. Ian knows when I react much harsher that it is there and promptly reacts in a mirror-image sort of way with the same intensity.

It's a befuddling sort of scheme and sequence that has me sitting idle for moments at a time - contemplating if I'd like to stay in this state much longer. I'd rather not stay.

My Last 3 Long - Runs

18 Mile long Run - Today @ 5:19am


12 Mile Run - Last Week @ 6:39am


17 Mile Run - Aug 12 @ 5:25am

What I must Do Right NOW

As days go by and I am faced with even more uncertainty of job-status, career-direction & vision and personal purpose, I am gaining a sense that I need to "pause" and gain joy from my current position.

An odd to thing to think in my book but realizing that I am only 30, yes 30 and that Lord-willing there is more life ahead of me and in my career. I have an opportunity to be productive now by accomplishing things I was not otherwise able to focus on in previous weeks/years while here in this town. I sense a transition time...including more than a few areas in our life, and that my role is changing for Mark once again.

My biggest challenge is to not get caught-up in the uncertainty. My brain and my body reacts to it - so much so that I was scheduled to do a 5 mile run this morning and had absolutely no desire or drive to do it. I let the depression creep in and grip me. It would have been better to have ran just a little than to do none at all.

I have lists and lists of to-dos around and for this house, but I know that I cannot accomplish this alone but I'm not sure what my options are. Here are some:
* transfer pile of sticks & compost to the yard waste are in town (need truck and man-power)
* cut & clear weeds/vines/growth behind shed
* pick weeds out of landscaping
* cut vines over rock siding
* declutter house (entire house - throw-away, donate, sell, give away)
* finish all un-finished house projects:
- touch-up bathroom paint
- paint living room trim & ceiling
- paint kitchen ceiling
- paint closet doors in main bedroom
- sand panelling in guest bedroom area & paint

Just a lot to do and having a struggle determining how and when.

Love These | Memory Keepers

A Great Idea!! You can use $40 with the code "beginanywhere" @ www.papercoterie.com...

Love These | Memory Keepers

Strassenfest: Train Ride & Parade

Always LOVE new experience specially when life is sooo not-knowing right now.

And the Parade :)

 NOTE: We told Ian, "now put your hands out if you want candy" and this was the result.

The Down-Fall of Non-Routine

Although having no routine can be very, very freeing. For me, it becomes a vacuum of time passing or otherwise known as "wasting" away. (I used to see it as Creative Time but life has changed, priorities have changed.) And something clicked in me as I found out today that I did not get a full-time job I had interviewed for here a couple weeks ago.  What clicked was that, I was gearing myself up for both options (get the job great or don't get the job ok) but when the words came out of the notifier's mouth...I did not hear it as I thought I would.

I heard more not-knowingness, I heard "you were a strong candidate" but that I don't have something. I heard I have a great personality but it's not the right time. I heard...God wants you to wait -- but I didn't want to wait. I wanted it now...I wanted the routine. I wanted the balance and the perks of knowing my schedule (time off and time on). I wanted insurance benefits and a salary. I wanted a new passion. I desired to get out of my comfort zone. I yet...I am now completely out of my comfort zone. The Not-Knowingness is more blarring in my face and I'm not saying that this is bad but it is very uncomfortable and disorienting to me.

Now...is time for re-processing, re-focusing...allowing God to move and me to slow-down and process the last couple of months of change. Oh how very human I am, wanting it all now, thinking I must have something or am not content with something else.  How fickle....or how vulnerable. Shucks...

Anniversary - 9 years

‎8-3-02, 9 years of never boring adventures or facial expressions, lots of *fun*, laughs, hugs, sarcasm, Messmorisms, singing songs, craziness, peaceful walks, long runs, growing times, intense conversations, hours full of LOVE, humanness, vulnerability & God. My Knight may not be shiny new, but his imperfections make it easier for me to love him and grow toward him. Mark Messmore you are awesome and you are mine.

We marked out 9th Anniversary with a simple low-key viewing an afternoon movie: Harry Potter and then a meal at Applebees (we teetered for about 15 minutes thinking of places in the area to go to but variety and cost won out). I had Mark do a little game while we waited and in between bites. :) A lot of reminiscing and laughs.

 He had to pick out which photos went with which years of marriage:
hint, what length was Kara's hair and where did we live then?

He did pretty well. :)

We then took a non-eventful trip to Buehler's Buy Low for some errands and then picked up our munchkin.

A Favorite: Number Button Embellishments

Number Button Embellishments