Singing Praises in the Dark

Singing Praises in the Dark has become a practice of mine over the last year and half.
It's the practice of intentionally singing praises instead of pleading with God when I don't understand His ways or His plans.

It's allowing my voice to come out in a way that continues to choose to believe that He is good and that His ways are good for me.

This practice has helped to shift my mind as I wrestle with Him about my questions and about our family's future. When we praise, we place God in His rightful place and that solves a 1,000 problems (as Oswald Chambers has said). We focus on Him and surrender our right and our entitlement to Him.

It has helped my heart to reopen to new possibilities and to new risks that I would otherwise not be able to honestly handle or even be willing to consider. It has allowed for some new friendships that I would have otherwise shied away from in fear of disappointment and fear of past hurts.

When we praise, we no longer have to control the outcome to our circumstances. We pause and consider how God views us and how He views the situation. We let go of our need to be right and to be in constant control of "how the story ends".

When we praise, we lose track of time and space and this is good for our head space, brain space, soul space and body. I feel a release of tension when praise comes out rather than doubt and fear when I have pleaded with God for answers. 

God reshapes my desires when I praise, because it's no longer about me or what I "think" I want. It is good. He is good.

Beginning a Writing Practice

As September begins to unfold I desire to really being a daily writing practice.

In the past, it has involved bullet points and scribbles or doodles or quotes or ponderings.
God never ceases to amaze me when He has me put pen to paper because it if often messages to Him or what feels like messages FROM Him to me.

They are often gentle and life-giving, rarely as dark as they used to be.
And I realized why, there's hope present with our family.

For a long period of time, we felt a lack of hope, a lack of growth, a lack of support and it all mattered. In this new Fall season (yes I'm calling it Fall) because I'm ready for it as much as I enjoy sunshine and heat.

Hope truly changes everything.
When I worked alongside the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) nurses between 2012-2016 as I filled in and then eventually moved into the full-time role of social worker there. I learned early on that when any sign or conversation included "HOPE" in a baby's situation, everyone involved would have an emotional shift. It changed everything, just knowing that there "might" be a chance for good or better or living or quality.

It's the same in everyday-mundane life.
HOPE changes everything.
The fact that we know based upon science and Biblical Truth that our minds can be renewed, retrained, regenerate particular cells that help us think better, make wiser choices and that inevitably impact everyone else around us for good is beyond AMAZING.

Even the simple belief that we CAN or WILL do something, moves our minds into another gear that leads us into an outcome we desire (not always) but more often than not. We get to CHOOSE and have a CHOICE.

Hope changes everything.
So I will write and keep practicing.

Right Now :: September Edition

* Pumpkin Spice lit candle on my craft desk (a.k.a. writing desk, work space, area of task-mastering).

* wearing an athletic tank top and shorts because the humidity make the 81 degrees seem hotter

* working through a "procrastination" exercise (isn't it ironic don't you think?)

* boys are 7 and 11 and somehow still enjoy Pokemon battles together

* trying to narrow my focus down to 3-5 tasks a day which is still really large

* not sure what I want to do for my birthday (40!) 

* attended a vocal lesson with a friend this morning which was very enlightening (I've never really known how to use my diaphragm in singing)

September

September is always a dreaming month for me as it is my birth month.

I naturally reflect on the last 365 days as well as multiple years of my life.
I view God's faithfulness.
Seek some clarity in the events that unfolded and often find that I simply need to Trust that God's plan is working as He deems good for me.
NEVER STOP GROWING.

So with that...I'm 20 days from another year around this sun...down.

IMPROVE THE MOMENT
IMAGINE the outcome you want from your current situation.
* So where are you? What about your situation would you like to be different? What about your situation is a the same?
* Picture yourself interacting with the (new) world around you.

For me, I'm not quite in the desert nor the promised land...I'm somewhere in between. I'd like more direction in my current situation with family, with profession, with gentleness and radical acceptance towards myself. I'd like to have a more openness to my soul and my mind and landscapes, meaning confidence and motivation to move forward, head outside, take on the world, take on a child, seize the day type of mentality. And part of that includes ME NOT THINKING when I initially wake up because then I OVERTHINK.

I like the current freedom and flexibility of my time in this season as I'm not employed and am able to focus on household work, children's development and if I want-to dream. However, I'm often scattered and not honed into my current present.

MEANING - find meaning in a situation or season.
* Am I learning anything about myself?
* What lessons can I take away from this?
* How will things be different in the future?
* In the grand scheme of things, how much does this really matters?

For me, I'm learning that I do desire a type of structure and need to practice The Five Second Rule 5-4-3-2-1, so that I don't use my time unwisely scrolling or spaghetti-brain chasing my tail.
I am learning that Radical Acceptance of a season is so important to embrace when circumstances or others' responses are truly out of my control and that I can have control over how I think about the season (rather than walking around disappointment, I pick myself back up, sit before God and ask "what next?").
In the future, I will still risk friendship, risk vulnerability and risk authenticity, because it is who I am. I will still share deep learnings and sufferings...I just won't expect people to understand or to respond in an empathetic manner with grace.
In the blimp that is life, a season of disappointment will become very small in the rearview mirror as long as we/I move forward.

PRAY/PRACTICE - connecting with God and doing anything with a sense of purpose for His glory 

RELAX - there is no quick fix, meditate or do a body scan and observe your body

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT - in times of trouble your mind tends to run in the past or the future, so bring yourself back to the present moment with a GROUNDING practice.
* sitting on the ground * going outside and planting your feet in the grass * closing your eyes and visualizing your breath traveling in and out as you breathe * moving your hands through water or sand * pick a flower and smell it * cover the crown of your head * Hum a song * stand up and press your feet into the ground * take a cold or hot shower or bath * sit criss-cross applesauce with your palms up open in surrender

VACATION - staycation, daydream, don't run away from your problems - rather take a break.
* phone a friend * listen to your favorite song * go outside * do a yoga pose * take yourself out of the situation

ENCOURAGEMENT - pretend you are talking to a friend and imagine what you would say to your friend to encourage them.

 "Kara, you are exactly where you need to be and you are learning to persevere daily to work through your own mess so that you can then help others. It begins with depending on God, leaning towards Him and inviting Him in. You can't see the whole picture, you can't understand it all, only He can. If you want to a beautiful soul then you must go through the struggle and you will come out on the other side...again and again. You are a work-in-progress until Heaven."

August 2020 :: 2 years since we opened up...1 full year since we moved.

 It seems impossible that I haven't written here since last year in October.

At the same time between moving, reorienting, housing renting then buying, then holidays then narrowly almost losing my mother to septic shock, then COVID-19 quarantine and summer...so much has transpired.

It felt eerie from March - June with the global shut-down. It was a familiar feeling to us as a family. 
See we lost our community, our church family, our reasons for staying in Ohio beginning September 2018 until we moved to Northern KY in August 2019. 

It was almost a full year without deep friendships, laughter around tables, discussions about life and growth. It was SURVIVAL.

We only had each other, the boys, our dog, our cat, each other. 
The world was experiencing what we had essentially experienced just months before. 
We'd only go through drive throughs because if felt too painful to encounter old/former friends who abandoned (our view) us or to encounter a person who had no clue what we were enduring with the separation from the church that was never our intention nor our choice. 

Churches as families are representations of God's son Jesus Christ's relationship with his bride. The gospel speaks of undeserved grace and of repentance. Reconciliation is at the heart of God's plan.
A Church is like an ER for the soul-hurting heart and shows God to those brokenhearted and in need of grace. But "when the grace runs out..." human decision-making can be tainted. 

I digress, there is so much more to this story but that's not the point of this post.

It's been 2 years since I shared my struggle and my son's struggle with depression to our small group at the time (near friends we considered family) and that Mark shared his dark place too........we never received the chance to follow-up with those former friends to tell them what a weight was lifted during that evening discussion of sharing (we experienced the day and week after)....since our confidence was betrayed and they didn't know how to walk alongside us and spoke about it to others.

Secret meetings, misunderstanding, leaving my voice out of discussions. It was 2 years ago that our world began to flip around and 20 more days until we were abandoned to go "heal" separate from those who had previously supported us. LESSON LEARNED: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN A FRIEND REACHES OUT IN PAIN...DO SOMETHING. The phrase "I'll pray for you" became a curse phrase to us...DO SOMETHING. Bring a meal, sit and listen, send a text or make a call.

DON'T ASSUME.
The pain still hurts but I do see now...God's hand, provision and his protection.