For instance, all today I have gathered thoughts that I would put down in a journal and it's how my day has sequenced itself, except I have written down absolutely nothing. I think that the reason I haven't written ANY of it down is because (internal belief) - "if I write it down then it must be true".
That is scary to me because what I have discussed in my head has to do with purpose and with intention and with God's plan in how He MIGHT use me.
Guilt, apathy and boredom have begun to infiltrate my days.
No particular direction draws me in.
Oh no one would really be able to tell as far as looking at me.
My eyes will still light up if I am engaging in a conversation especially at a function I am willingly participating in. However, when at home...inwardly, I'm in some distress.
My eyes will still light up if I am engaging in a conversation especially at a function I am willingly participating in. However, when at home...inwardly, I'm in some distress.
It's an odd feeling.
There isn't any one activity that sounds fun or sounds interesting. And the activities that do sound fun or interesting...well they aren't at home. They are out and about exploring but then I have 'guilt' surrounding "what about Mark?" "what about my boys?" I can't leave them. "What about the dogs?"
My life is not my own.
My life is not my own, not because of being part of a family; although that does impact it, but rather because I willingly submit and surrender to a higher power: God, the Creator, Sustainer, His Son Jesus.
My life is not my own, not because of being part of a family; although that does impact it, but rather because I willingly submit and surrender to a higher power: God, the Creator, Sustainer, His Son Jesus.
But I lose sight of this truth every time apathy walks across my path and boredom lulls me to food to get a dopamine hit. Every time I'm lulled to obsess over my skin or the future.
How easy it has become to distract me. How lonely I feel trying to "hide", because that is EXACTLY what I'm doing, HIDING. Hiding my eyes, my face, my shame, my internal conflict.
I'm tired of hiding but that's all I'll give myself permission to do; especially in friendships. Putting forth effort is hard and it is tiring anymore to me. Sitting in silence comes naturally to me these days but sitting with others now, during and after COVID...that feels more difficult.
All of this is to say that there is a lot of conversation in my head these days and it isn't necessarily helpful. I ask myself therapeutic questions and test the cognitive distortions of my thoughts...but in the end, the desire to care about it just isn't there; at least not today.
