Raw Thoughts Right Now...October...

I feel like nothing without producing...
It's a sad reality that after working outside the home and commuting that I always felt "on" and ever since then...I have struggled with feeling that need to be productive because "time is money".

I realize there are a lot of mental strongholds in my mind that have been built up over time and that I need to re-examine how I think. I have blasted our culture for it's "rush" and "hustle" mentality which strips our kids of their childhoods and forces families to choose between a sport or family time or church or a sport, or healthy rhythms and productive: money-making avenues.

Maybe I just need to ramble. I feel like this wilderness of 2018 and 2019 has situated me as a wanderer and seeking all kinds of idols and "methods" for relief while feeling confused, disappointed and angry about our life routine and departure from Ohio (where I Thought we'd spend much time while our boys went through school; where I Thought we had found and formed genuine community and where people would reach out and help those struggling...that's not what I discovered...and where I Thought I would blossom and become more of who God desired me to be...but I didn't, I became a hermit and recluse, anxious and overwhelmed, hating life, hating myself and struggling as a mother, a wife, a woman, a daughter of God).

I don't like writing and typing much right now because what comes out of me are words and phrases that I don't want to describe me. THIS is not me...the anxious one took over my world and rocked all the securities that I used to rely on and felt comfortable by and the craziest thing is that I wanted her to do that...I didn't want to be too comfortable or complacent but she has gone too far the other way and I'm propensity to 'give up' skyrocketed during all the disappointments.

We are here in a new city, new surroundings, new people, new church, new families, new school, new rhythms, new bugs, new challenges and new outlooks but the haze is still present. I want the haze to go away and permanently leave me alone...alone but that's not how it works. The darkness actually shows more of the Light I want to move toward which is good, but that shadows also loom. It's an odd feeling to intentionally choose Joy each day and seek Hope and yet still "feel" outside of yourself. I know I'm still not "me". But I'm not okay yet still on my way.

September Happened

September was our "trying to settle into a routine" month. For the most part we accomplished that part. I began a Beachbody Program called 100 Day Morning Meltdown and have stuck to the workouts in the mornings (mostly with my friend Carrie).

School helps the routine a little and then I was also volunteering 3 hours for 3 days a week at the boys' after-school program. It was quite stressful to be honest to be around all of the noise and chaos but after 4 weeks I have come to know most of the kids and have relationships with some of them. Probably the most intriguing part about participating in this program is seeing how my boys react to their peers' behavior. I found that my boys even when they didn't know I was present, would make good choices. My youngest struggled more than I thought he would and my oldest was more of a leader. Of course being a 5th grader and one of the oldest kids helps.

We at times were feverishly looking for a house to buy and had thought about buying one AS IS through auction because it was in the neighborhood we wanted. However, after further deliberation opted to pursue a regular house through the traditional method (real estate agent). And on Sept 30th we did put an offer on a house which is mostly updated and ready to move into.

Most of the month of September was good as I reflect. I still have struggled with the feelings of loss and sadness even with experiencing get-togethers with new friends. It's like I wish someone could read my mind and know what I need. I turned 39 and my youngest turned 7 without much fan-fair. My husband arranged a girls-night out which was wonderful and much needed. We swam for my 7 year old's birthday because of course the weather was in the 90's at the end of September (what?!!)

September was also a lot of rearranging in the rental house and trying to declutter. But I'm still struggling with the move and I guess that is to be expected as we move forward.