Many things have occurred in this span of time, some of which I am going to share now and some of which I am not going to until the timing is right.
No one really needs to read this, I hope others never have to experience this but if they do I hope it helps.
This is like waiting for a bomb to go off...
October 21st 5:35am - Pregnancy test read very positive, very quickly. Blood test later that day said that I was "very" pregnant (high levels) and my progesterone was low so I go get a $125 prescription for progesterone (hormone) so as to minimize the chances of miscarriage. Dr. Beckman's office can't get me in until Nov. 17th.
During the next several weeks, no healthy food is eaten, only whatever I crave in anticipation of this growing baby I have in my body and so all I eat seems like carbs, comfort foods and I can barely drink water so flavored drinks & NO RUNNING. This is very different than Ian's pregnancy but that is what other people say especially if this might be a girl. We are very, very excited. I am cautiously optimistic until I see the first ultrasound and hear the heartbeat. It's taken a while to get this pregnancy...
Weeks go by and I am covering a coworker at the hospital so I'm working a lot...and am pretty well exhausted at night and just trying to keep eating b/c I'm so nauseous. People tell me, nausea is good so be thankful for it. I become thankful for it & working is a great distraction. So thankful.
Come Nov. 17th, Thursday 10:45am - I am to be working this day but clock-out for this appointment. Dr. Beckman gets called out so we wait another hour...and more time...get my lovely physical...and finally over lunch (I'm starving by now) get to sit down for this ultrasound (the only thing I am really coming for). The screen pulls up...and all we can see is what looks like a whole...black space...for where a baby should be. SHOCK.
I'm thinking..."no way...and I have to work, I can't react, this is surreal"...the more it was all processed throughout the day the more emotions would come. Anembryionic pregnancy...my body is pregnant, thinks it is pregnant but there is no baby...just fluid and a sac. I'm having nausea for nothing. Devastating, loss of hope, loss of promise, questions, no answers, now have to wait to move on until this is out of my body.
Positive perspectives: the baby might not have been a healthy baby anyway, there was no baby so we will lose no baby - just the potential of one, I won't have to see a form of a baby at any point, that I can now relate just a little more to someone who miscarries...etc...etc BUT it doesn't change the fact that this has happened, that I feel like if I get pregnant again that I might have to face something worse or be even more nauseated, that people may or may not understand, that at this very moment I absolutely HATE my body.
We contact family & friends with the news, people are encouraging and loving. I find that most comforting phrase to be "Oh Kara, I'm so sorry". That is all that needs to be said and I learn how it feels to hear it. No need to explain it to me, no need to tell me this wasn't God's plan (which I know) just simply...I'm so sorry.
It's numbing now, 3 days post discovery, after medication, no miscarry is happening, tomorrow to be scheduled for a surgery that I don't want, never wanted nor do I ever want to have to do again. It's just surreal and I'm ok, it's just the harsh voices I have towards myself and my body right now. The hateful view of my abdomen, the depressive tendencies wanting to surface and the harmful eating habits I want to re-inhabit. I won't, I can't...I will be healthy. I just have to wait.
No one really needs to read this, I hope others never have to experience this but if they do I hope it helps. It helped to speak with Kendra, Stephanie and text many people. The most emotional moments are the ones that kill...the majority of the time I'm fine but those moments, the weak ones...impression themselves on you. The image will forever stick. The lost hope will be felt especially over the holidays...won't be buying items on Black Friday for this invisible baby nor praying for him/her...no looking forward to February to know the gender...nor thinking that June will come fast.
A very different mourning period, I don't want to cry, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm numb...I'd rather forget this happened but it did so now it's part of our story...
