Our 2018 Year

Our 2018 year has not gone as anticipated nor as hoped for. The beginning of the year had such high hopes (realistic too) but in the end much disappointment will lead into appointments for 2019.

I will not sugar-coat this year nor will I lament in despair as I know our experience is shared with other families, although often in silence. Mental and physical wellness are taken for granted by many including ourselves in various seasons.

This year has brought unforeseen changes for us and more challenges than we ever desired to endure. School has proven to be an opportunity for much growth both for us as parents and for our boys. People ask us, "so do the boys like school?" Answer, "no, but they are learning, we are learning."

Mark & I realized that we needed to seek community as these challenges continued to pile up. Humans can play victim to routine and to everyday habits. We had begun to play victim to our family routine and it was beyond exhausting us emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Yet sharing is risky and being vulnerable is something that our culture does not readily celebrate or know how to embrace. People often believe that being "put-together" is how other people (family & friends included) want to see you and for how you, yourself want to be seen. (Reread that last sentence.) People do not naturally know how to walk with others in their darkness. But when you share deep challenges and recognize that routine and habits and coping mechanisms no longer serve or benefit you...something inevitably changes. Usually for the good.

However, when the carpet underneath your feet is pulled out from under you and life's routine ceases to be known, all kinds of emotions come out of you. We have experienced this, see my post from October 3rd. Our (my) trust in God stares me in the face and asks me "do you really believe in what you say you believe after all?" "or is this for real?"

Please note, I will always try to reframe life into a positive view and in an eternal view as I follow Christ and God, AND I believe in being transparent appropriately too. When my voice is not heard nor given a space to be heard, I initially become angry and anxious. I have come to realize that ultimately God's voice will be my voice and that His fight will take over what I think I need to do. I need to "be still and know He is God." His fight is better, His ways are better and His certainty and promises are better than any human guarantee on this earth.

We are not guaranteed security, the American dream, the make-affirmations-everyday-and-they-will-come-true mentality. We are not guaranteed that friends won't hurt us nor that we will not hurt them. We are not guaranteed tomorrow...

So we live into our questions and I have many at this point in time. MANY.
2019 will bring changes...big ones. We are not yet certain of what these are but as of  the announcement yesterday, Mark has resigned from his position (Lead Minister) at Troy Christian Church for the health and wellbeing of our family. We will not have answers for many people nor for ourselves. We expected to have our kids graduate here but God has a different plan and has allowed life to progress in this way.

We will remain committed to the mission we have been given: to love God first, care for our family and love people and go into the world to share God's love. 

Christmas Day

A Thrill of Hope...
Waiting Expectantly...
Savoring the Present and the Presence of family...
Remembering years past with loved ones who have left us...
Recalling that moment when I found out Santa Claus was represented by many people...
Opening the gift that I wanted so badly...
Eating my dad's pancakes in the morning (they are like crepes and THE BEST)...
Waking my parents up before the crack of dawn because I was so excited...
Peeking at the presents early and then carefully placed the tape back on (only one year - I think)...
Sitting by the candlelight and Christmas lights pondering what that night's years ago meant to this world when a little baby was born in a stable (cave) with animals around and 'unseen' by the world...
Reading the Christmas story...
Singing carols in a circle with the Cassell family and being so obnoxious with everyone...
Hanging out every Christmas Eve with the Price family & doing our gift exchange... (until my grandmother passed my Junior year of high school)
Listening to the Christmas music (all genres) and humming along...
Unwrapping stocking stuffers has always been a favorite of mine (especially those from my mom) because it was the little things that made me laugh and brought me joy...yes chocolate...brought me joy...
Taking a Morning Run to clear my mind and warm up my body...(a favorite tradition now for me)

When you have your own family, you can set your own pace and your own traditions. This is both an opportunity and an expectation. I miss the magic of being young and although I catch glimpses of this with my boys now...it's different. I enjoy the hunt of looking for gifts for them, but I do not buy literally into the consumerism. I seek the traditions of having an Advent Calendar, opening little gifts and surprising them with pajamas dinners. The build-up to this day feels different. We use a stuffed blue Star "Starry" instead of an Elf on the Shelf to demonstrate the days leading up to Christmas and watch as he leads us to focus on where Jesus was born.

It is no longer filled with school events (because their school doesn't have a program) nor church events (because our church does not do a separate program with rehearsals). My boys have never desired to wait in line to meet a white bearded man in red robbing nor have they been brought up to believe in just one "real" Santa Claus. Rather, the story of St. Nicholas and his good deeds and his giving heart. They would rather give and surprise others. Now don't get me wrong, they LOVE receiving too. But it's different.

We rarely watch advertising commercials during this time because we use Netflix and Amazon Prime. It's different than growing up with Toy commercials bombarding the TV during every holiday movie. I remember finding out there were new toys each time I saw one and I wanted more. I even knew what Christmas was about growing up but it didn't stop my wanting. It's just different today, not better or worse, just different.

I do relish watching my boys play with their new gifts even if there are not many. I enjoy making them breakfast on this morning - whether pancakes or just blueberry muffins (from a box) as was the case this morning.

It's still meaningful and it still matters. That is today, not just another day, but it is our today.