KAMFT Conference: The Basics and Beyond for Treating Today's Sexual Issues

Each workshop I went to was chalk full of interesting new research and information about sexual issues that couples and families encounter in this day and age, including the medical factors, differing sexual desires in a couple and the basics of sexual addiction with treatment process for couples and families.

In the Thursday morning workshop: Understanding the Medical Factors Behind Couple’s Sexual Problems (by Jean D. Koehler, PhD, LMFT, AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator, Therapist and Supervisor, Asst. Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, University of Louisville Medical School), common medical causes were discussed along with treatments of sexual dysfunction, making referrals, and opportunities for further training. I was quite pleased to find that with working in a hospital PRN I had picked up enough terminology and medical language that I could understand most of the terms and surgical procedures that were presented. She discussed a lot about the effects of such procedures on a couple's sex life & the impact on their own differing desires). It was interesting to learn more about the impact of "free" testosterone (definition & amounts) in the human body and how this hormone impacts the regulation of sexual desire and arousal. I'd have to review my notes but most interesting to me was the effect after some cancer treatments. I would definitely like to look more into this subject to better understand how patient are being educated on how medical procedures may impact their marital relationships. I think men and women should be equipped with this information.

The Thursday afternoon workshop: Resolving Desire Differences by Jean A. Campbell, LMFT. Jean blended solution-focused techniques with a holistic approach of David Schnarch to help us as therapists to guide our clients out of toxic sexual interactions stemming from desire differences. Again I would need to revisit my notes on this but found that I agreed a lot with the emphasis on differentiation and how ultimately part of work may be in helping a spouse or both spouses to understand that their partner does not fully "complete" you and that the problem does not all lie in that other person's plate. Acknowledging and owning your own stuff and what you are yearning or desiring for that other person is your "stuff" and not theirs. It is your expectation and although you desire to be completely safe with that person...other things and desires get in the way and this is a lot of misinterpretation and miscommunication. (I may scan my notes here if I think about it - a lot to think about on this one). But I do see this one a lot in counseling.

Thursday late afternoon, evening was: The Ethics Behind Working With Sexually Related Issues by Stefanie Carnes, PhD. Although I was completely exhausted this provided an opportunity to learn what Federal Guidelines there are for reporting and working with someone possibly struggling viewing child pornography or other illegal actions of a sexual nature. She provided various role plays for us as therapist to do with our "clients" (our colleagues) and it helped to take out the shock value of such discoveries. It was good for me to talk through as a therapist b/c often times you don't know what issues may really be occurring with this person in front of you and they are only telling you one piece of information at a time. There for differing views in the room pertaining to the reporting aspect of this subject which honestly was nice to see since I was struggling with what I would do in certain circumstances.

All day Friday was Stefanie Carnes again with: the Basics and Beyond for Treating Today's Sexual Issues. I was pretty exhausted from the day before with just a lot of useful information. This workshop provided me with guidelines of how to navigate the minefield of family therapy for sexual addiction. There was a lengthy discussion about the criteria for sexual addiction (what it is and how we clarify it which was very interesting. She gave us an assessment tool that appeared to be very helpful. The hard part for me is when I began to gain a better understanding of the computer pornography industry and its impact on individuals, youth, and families. We were given demonstrations on particular iPhone Apps and it revealed an even darker side of this world than I am used to. Don't get me wrong I know it's there...but I do not participate in it nor do I research it myself to better understand a client's frame of mind. (For me that is too dangerous and I am wired in such a way that potentially exploring such things is not beneficial at all). So to say the least this was disturbing and very hard for me to sit through. Plus my paranoia began to work, but luckily God is so good helped me to see that His grace is enough and trusting in Him and His plan is ultimately the best way to think about and understand such behavior in our world. This understanding helps me to better relate with those close to me and not to distrust or be suspicious of things going on.

She utilized art therapy to show how spouses experienced the betrayal and how the client also felt their experience of the addiction (such shame & darkness). The impact on the family was heart-wrenching. Difficult therapeutic situations were presented and these are regular everyday people...we all fall but WOW these people fall the hardest I do believe regardless of their pasts that brought them to this desperate place of using sex or pornography to numb, to gradify, and to escape.

Towards the end we were facilitating the couple disclosure process and lastly appropriate interventions for children (of most interest to me) along with receiving resources for treatment of sexual addiction. I am a resource person because I am a generalist in where I do therapy and how I have to do therapy in a small town. My supervisor is priceless to me and invaluable.

Future: So looking to the future I began jotting down ideas for a workshop to do covering How to Help & Protect your Children to Develop a Health Sexuality. There are a lot of resources for helping parents to protect their children from online predators but the discussion for developing a health sexuality is not as prevalent. Below are a few links I am currently reading and may utilize some of their information for my own workshop.

Teaching Children Healthy Sexuality: Focus on the Family

Resources for Healthy Sexuality: The Penners

Teaching Children Healthy Sexuality: How to Start Early by Ron Jackson

Healthy Sexuality Development

20 miles...knee...outloud

This 20 mile run was unique in itself. Stacy was with me for the first 11-12 miles and wow the first 10 miles flew by! It was great just talking about anything and everything but for me also processing the conference I was at this past Thursday & Friday (more on that later).

Once Stacy and I split I found myself running the next 2-3 miles at 8:30-9:00 minute pace which is fast and too fast for the middle of a long training run; thus knee pain hit me like a brick wall around miles 14-15. It was painful so I slowed down and then realized that this knee pain may also be connected to how I allow oxygen to come into my body (a.k.a. talking outloud might help). But more importantly I felt God saying..."turn the music off and talk to me about what is on your mind." I had noticed that when running with Stacy and talking that my knee pain doesn't show up and more importantly the time went by faster so I decided to try it and ended up praying outloud with my Lord for the rest of the run (over an hour and half).

And no this photo is not me. It is to symbolize what it was like running alone, just the sound of my feet on the pavement and my heart in a conversation with God.

It was the most calming thing I think I have ever done running. I had to slow down and I had to face some of my thoughts while more importantly praising Him and praying for others. I also ended up going a slightly different route to add on miles and found myself completely by myself in the middle of not much. God was calling me to Him and I finally got it. I prayed for Mark in more ways than I have before and found peace knowing that by the end of this run, God knew my fears in a way that I had not expressed before, He knew my joys and hopes for Mark and He & I knew where I stand with Ian and motherhood.

The conversation defined a lot for me and at one point I just stopped talking and started listening. Of course my mind kept wanting to tell me TALK so your knee won't hurt but I went in and out and listened. The song, "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path" kept going through my mind. I even sang at one point -- RUNNING!

Moral of this story...stop and take time to listen and to speak outloud to God even when you are moving. It made all the difference and wouldn't you know...my knee pain went away almost instantaneously! I laughed, God you're so funny.

The conversation brought new meaning to running and to putting Christ first. What a revelation to me.

Morning Run

This morning I tore myself out of bed - yes tore. The sheets could barely come off of me as I thought about a) sleep, b) everything that awaited me at the hospital, & c) what I would feel like if I ran or if I didn't run. I opted to run.

As I began thinking, "hmm...maybe just 4 miles" I geared up to get in my rhythm and gradually I began to think...about EVERYTHING. Here are some various thoughts that i zoned out with:

* projects for Crop for Kicks with Candy
- Christmas card squares-all years
- Ian's pages (some important ones)
- "past" pictures & stories
* clients...
- various couples & their directions
- upcoming conference
- my point-of-view, God's point-of-view & their point-of-view
* plans for this weekend (20-miler, Mark's sermon, on-call)
* laundry needs
* how fast or slow to go on this run
* most importantly: how to move to obedience when tempted to fall
- yes a loaded thought but I pictured myself in a moment when I would & have felt overwhelmed to overeat or to overindulge in items that are not good for my mind or my body
- analyzed my motives & my methods
- humbled myself before God to be lifted up with His strength & not my own
- thought about conversations with clients about overcoming & conquering

PS - I ended up running 5 miles :) I love how thoughts just take you places. The extra energy helped me kick my day off and He was first in my thoughts.

CCJ Oasis: Staying in Love

Is it possible for two people to fall in love and actually stay there? Absolutely! During our Oasis time on Sunday nights we are doing this four-session video group study on making the most of your marriage with pastor & author Andy Stanley.

If you are unable to meet with us or have missed a group session, catch-up below & download the discussion questions. We'd love to have you in our actual group session - plus you get to connect with other couples who are working to "make it" in our marriage relationships.

Sunday, February 27th is scheduled as a Guided DATE NIGHT for couples to do to make Love a Verb - each couple individually goes out on their own date night.

February 13th - The Juno Dilemma

February 20th - Re-Modeling

February 27th - Guided DATE NIGHT: MarriedLife (WE Marriage) PDF

March 6th - Feelin' It

March 13th - Multiple-Choice Marriage

18 miles...

In keeping with my resolve, I did my training run today out of trust in God (for my knee pain) and knowing that it would RESET me (since it is my RESET button), and because I knew a friend and coworker would be helping me out with the last half or so.


It was amazing! It was a little rough as I wined up and down some of the initial neighborhoods around 6am just to get some extra mileage around the Jasper HS area and then went around one neighborhood (Poplar St) like 3 times to get myself to 3-4 miles before doing the longer stretch on St. Charles St. to the middle and beyond.

When doing long runs you have to take the run in segments (especially mentally) or it gets super intimidating and down right depression sometimes. I wore my mask this morning (it was 33-35 degrees) and I can't stand breathing in cold air. I was in awe at the full moon practically right in front of me most of the time and then as I watched the sun rise (pretty spectacular). I noticed a house that is like a barn in one of the neighborhoods - never saw that before. Adam, a friend came rushing by a couple of times in shorts & with a football jersey as his outer wear (crazy!).

I did waters/powerade stops & GU's and by the time mile 9 was coming up...my knee began hurting and I trusted in God. Knowing that if I couldn't finish the long run that somehow it would be ok and that I would simply go slower this next mile until I got to the house to refuel and to "pick up" with Stacy.

So we began mile 10 and the knee pain was still there but as we spoke (which I found came pretty easy once my breathing was back in rhythm) the pain quietly disappeared...and I found myself wanting to go faster, in fact going faster and conversing! I forgot what that was like since I am a solo runner usually. It was awesome! We ran from 13th-15th, on the Riverwalk, Clay to Division to Sunshine to 5th to Kluemper to 2nd through some neighborhoods. So the last 8 miles was full of conversation, stories, background discussion and just enjoying one another's company and the blessings God has given to both of us. She runs ultras...yes ultras - ya know the crazy people who do 50+ miles!!!

But it was lovely, and made to realize how I am not to go this journey alone. I am ultimately responsible for my own motivation but we are to live in community - both in our spiritual walks and in our physical endeavors. I learned a good lesson and was truly, truly blessed. Thanks Stacy!

Keeping the Resolve...

I'm in the middle of this marathon training and I must say...I'm losing some of my mojo and motivation for running and training. It may sound weird but as the weather gets warmer...I'm not wanting to run as much. It was almost easier to tell myself to push through the cold (teens, 20s, 30s) and snow rather than sitting at home or in bed.

But as it becomes warmer, my mindset is changing. It is kind of disappointing to me. It also could be the pain in my knee that has developed. It makes me think...maybe my focus is off, maybe I'm doing too much of this for me and not enough for God. Is this a selfish goal? Is it more satisfying than my relationship with God? Do I need to tone back and focus more on what He wants me to do? Is running part of it?

Yes, I'm thinking to much but it's part of how I am wired. I am wired to be aware of my relationship with God, to be aware of how my body feels and functions, the be aware of my thoughts (positive and negative and meaningful), and I am aware of how my routine affects my family and my ministry. I'm wired to be aware.

So I'm trying to keep my resolve...to break through pain without neglecting my body and not being wise. I'm hoping and praying to continue to run for this marathon but also to tone back and to consider what other things God desires me to think about and to do. Keeping my resolve, intending on continuing, knowing God is with me and hoping perseverence and consistency will be rewarded.

If You Want...

From Elisa here.

My Response is my Responsibility

My Response is My Responsibility


I go back to this video for premarital couples again and again, and for Mark & I.
This is part of the premarital couples' date night for the topic "communication" which is right before the conflict resolution session so it helps to soften hearts.

15% off of a $75 order for Running Shoes

Chica Bands Giveaway @ Momma Are We There Yet? Blog

Momma Are We There Yet?: Chica Bands: "(photo from Runner's World) I have searched long and hard for headbands. I used to have different bands for everyday wear, working out, com..."

Spring 2011 Training Schedule

Here is my Spring 2011 Training Schedule I am currently following. For the most part I am doing pretty well with it. I sometimes struggle on Tuesdays after getting up so early Mondays and working a full day at the hospital. Tuesday morning run is so hard to do. Otherwise this is a compiled training for a tri and for a marathon - actually a marathon that would beat 4 hours .

* cycling = bike training in our basement or a spinning class
** "bp" = body pump class (weight lifting)
*** "stretching" = pilates/yoga class
**** swim/# = the miles I need to run on that day if I am not swimming

Follow along if you would like or take bits and pieces from it. I learned from Mark but this is the first full schedule that I have organized by myself and for myself so I'm pretty happy. :) Happy training!

Nutritional Information - Training

Written on Go! St. Louis website - I need to concentrate on this - ENJOY!
Nutrition is a very important part of training. Proper food and fluids not only provide energy for an athlete to achieve his/her daily fitness goals, but also helps in muscle recovery after your workout. Clint Verran, a licensed physical therapist – specializing in running-related injuries; a personal running coach; and one of America’s premier runners – is a big believer in the power of nutrition. Here, he provides some nutrition tips for adults participating in the GO! St. Louis Family Fitness Weekend.

Daily Nutrition : The goal of your daily nutrition should be to adequately fuel your exercise, promote recovery, and avoid fat storage. Eat often to help control portion size. Multiple, smaller meals are best rather than large meals which trigger fat storage.Eat a small snack right before you run and fuel up on some carbohydrates immediately after running. Plan snacks between meals. Exercise and a steady caloric intake during the day keep your metabolism hot. Plan your eating around your activity. Monitor carbs. Eat carbs earlier in the day to fuel your exercise and daily activities. Limit mega doses of carbs in the evenings, unless you’re racing the next morning!

Race Week: Traditional carbo-loading techniques call for a 3-4 day "depletion" phase, where runners completely avoid any and all carbohydrates. The theory is that by starving yourself of carbohydrates, you make your muscles carbohydrate receptors hyper-sensitive to carbs. Then, when you reintroduce carbs, you load your muscles with more than they could normally absorb.

The problem with this method is that you expose yourself to a high risk of illness. Your immune system runs on carbs. The last thing you want is to get sick the week before your big race. INSTEAD, try a very subtle reduction in carb intake for a few days, early in the week. A small reduction should be fine because you are already tapering your training at this point. Then, the last three days before the race, get in as many high-quality carbs as you can.

During the Week: The marathon is the only distance where calories are required during the race. 10Ks and half marathons can easily be run on the body’s own glycogen stores. During the marathon, the best way to take in calories is to drink them. DO NOT pass up a sports-drink station. Sports drinks solve two problems: hydration and calories. Plain water is better than nothing, but you are missing a great opportunity to fuel your muscles. Carbo-gels or Energy Gels can satisfy thisn need if sports drinks are infrequent. You need to practice taking these gels during training. Take the gel with a couple big gulps of water. If you choose the gel route, try taking three. One gel at 6 miles, 12, and 18. Getting them in on the early side will be more beneficial than waiting until the end of the race. Look for caffeinated gels for later in the race. The caffeine will help keep you mentally focused when you really need it.

Post-Run Recovery: The most important thing to remember when it comes to recovery nutrition is TIMING. Immediately after exercise, your muscles crave carbohydrates. If you can consume carbs within 45 minutes or so after a cardiovascular workout, your body will do a much better job of storing the carbohydrates as muscle glycogen as opposed to turning it into fat. This muscle glycogen will come in very handy for your next run! TIP: Try to take in AT LEAST 500 calories of carbohydrates (grains, cereal, fruits, energy bars) within 30 minutes following a run. The longer you wait, the more of this wonderful effect is lost. Change into some dry clothes, EAT, then get that shower!

Important Habits
The most important habits you can have to live a long and healthy life are:
yes 1.Exercise and move your body every day.
yes 2.Always use your seat belts.
oops 3.Drink water - your body is 70% water.
sort of 4.Eat a good breakfast every day.
sort of 5.Eat a lot of fruits and vegetables.
sort of 6.Limit fat, salt, caffeine, and sugar in your food.
try to 7.Sleep 7 to 8 hours every night.
yes 8.Spend time with friends and laugh a lot!

Life with Lyme...= LIFE Renewed

As I read this young woman's blog post - I found myself asking that question she asks "do I have a problem with not getting my way?"......... That is a hard, revealing question and it leads to yes I am selfish and wow this post hit me b/c I could be her. She speaks of long-distance running and then not being able to do it.

So, I found out about 6 weeks ago that I have Lyme disease. And for me, that was great news! After over three months of doctor visits and blood tests and weight checks and pain killers and no answers as to what was wrong with me, I was thrilled to find out that I didn’t have something more debilitating like an autoimmune disorder, which does run in my family. Let’s just say that through the experiences with all the doctors (some much better than others), learning what it’s like to be sick for an extended period of time, and trying to take care of each other above ourselves through it all…I learned a lot. (Randall probably learned his own stuff, too, but I don’t want to speak for him).

I learned not to take my energy for granted. Not to take my health for granted. As a person accustomed to long-distance running, it was a huge blow to not even have the energy to do laundry. I would literally wake up, go to work, come home and sleep. Randall would cook, do laundry, and put me to bed. It sucked. I was tired and cranky and moody all the time. Who wants to feel that crappy especially when you have no idea why you feel crappy to begin with?

I’ve gotten back up to maybe a mile and a half at this point, which compared to how I used to run, is like a power-walk through the mall. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. Even though I am still recovering, still looking to be able to do everything that I once could, I am so grateful to our Father and Redeemer who has renewed me. My spirit and my body are being renewed. It has been a painful process at points, for sure. And, through this process, I’ve had to come face to face with a big hiccup for me – not being able to do what I want to do.

As a write those words, I’m afraid to even publish this blog post. Do I want to admit that I have a problem sometimes with not getting my way? No, I don’t. But, I think that might be the biggest thing that God forced me to learn through all of this. Life isn’t about doing it your way, or getting your way, or doing what you want to do. God can and will take control when we drop the ball. I’m afraid to say that I did drop the ball in some ways. I hope that I am finally freed from the throes of the Lyme disease, but more than that, I hope that this learning experience sticks with me and forces some permanent changes in my life. I hope that in 4 months, or whenever this Lyme disease fully gets out of my system, I will look back and be grateful that I was sick. If that’s what it takes for me to finally get it, that LIFE, Life in Christ, is truly greater than me and my whims, then I’ll take it. And, if you read this, and you see me being princess-y, unnecessarily, just remind me of Lenny, as my mom likes to call him…Lenny the Lyme….

Life with Lyme = LIFE Renewed

A More Comfortable Ride - Tri Training

From IRONGIRL email newsletter...
I've been off my bike for a few months (oh do I enjoy the off season and the holidays) and I dread getting back in the saddle. For the simple reason; it hurts and it takes a while for the ride to get comfortable. Here are a few tips for a more comfortable ride:

a)Seat - your seat is so important to your comfort. They make women specific seats so do a little research to find one. Ask at your local bike store to do a butt fit...sounds crazy and a little embarrassing because they actually measure your butt, but it will identify the perfect size seat for your frame.

b)Bike fit - it really does pay off to have a proper bike fit...not just once but throughout your time on your bike. New shoes - get re fitted, back hurts -get re fitted. This is not set it and forget it, this is a work in progress.

c)Padding - to pad or not to pad! For long rides it is necessary to find a good pair of bike shorts or pants that have a nice pad in them. You might feel like you are wearing a diaper when you are walking around but on the saddle it is all about comfort so you get in a good productive ride!

d)Chamois Cream - to lube or not to lube. I can honestly say I have never had saddle sores or chaffing issues but I do use a chamois cream for the moisture and comfort. There is no one size fits all on chamois cream either, but there is one specifically for women. The ingredients are anti- bacterial so less chance for infection and they have added ingredients for a moisturizing consistency (who wants wax on their girlie parts)....Hoo Ha Ride Glide...for women by women

If you visit www.reflectsports.com and use Irongirl15 at check out you will get a 15% discount...