It's unusual for me to think in terms of motherhood because I have most always thought in terms of self...self-examination, self-awareness and self-actualization. All those fancy words mean to say: I have thought a lot in my life about myself and about my dreams. Even while following God and pursuing an intimate relationship with Jesus, I have often hoped that my dreams were part of His will. It's a confusing process in seeking Him because the more I ask and the more I dream, the more I feel less certain that my dreams are the best. I start to see His dreams and His work in me looking different. His work through me blesses others and not just myself.
This week is meant to help me in the upcoming transition, it's meant not to sugar-coat things but to give me some reality into more time with my kids and the Truth that I know and believe: more time with my kids WILL be HARD. And that's ok. I'm not ignorant to the fact that being around them more may bring out those things that I do not like more. It will likely mean discipling more, holding my temper more, praying more and hopefully can mean at some point, hugging more, loving more and playing more. I'm not even sure what this is going to look like as of yet and frankly I'm not holding my breath thinking it will look any one way because the reality is that even when promised one thing-life throws curve balls!!
The picture below really spoke to me:
God placed the desire in my heart to go part-time beginning in August-September-October of 2015 and I prayed about it. lamented over it and wrestled with him over it. I knew I needed to in November but didn't verbalize it until December. By that time I'd already been searching to see if I was suppose to be somewhere else and had some good interactions with other prospects but the conversations came back around to working with the moms and postpartum women. I couldn't shake it so I decided to stay and see what was going to happen. Each step of obedience came with some clarity and then uncertainty again. And this has been the cycle this entire winter-spring: some clarity then uncertainty.
I've moved to the point of simply knowing it (the transition) may not be what I want...but it's what I need. It's what my family needs and ultimately...God will help to change my 'want to'.
So when I think of the women I work with and realize how I see motherhood, I realize even moreso that a mother is truly born when a baby is born and also has to grow and develop like any baby.
My motherhood has went through so many seasons now with Ian whose 7 and Elijah who is 3. I have worked part-time jobs, struggled with being home not with Ian and then with him for a little bit. But Elijah I have only been with during his 8 weeks when he was first born and a week here or there. It's unsettling not to have fully spent time with your children in a way that helps you to really know them. Our culture strips away that time with busyness and distractions. I've come to a point where I'm fed up with going too fast and being distracted.
I respect and admire women in leadership positions who seem to "do-it-all" however, I know the price of doing that and that includes involvement in their children's lives. My striving and determination to accomplish my goals is a good thing but even a good thing might not be a great thing. I want to do great things and in God's kingdom, it's all upside down. Great things may not happen through success in the world's eyes nor through completing the goals. Great things may happen in the little things that get passed on to my children like: kindness, patience, trust, hope and discernment.
Wow, I am so blind to God's work in me!! Seriously I am so blind to wanting this world's success and meaning. I want to be recognized for my hard work and it blinds me to recognizing God's work around me. I want to feel respected and appreciated in the hospital environment but it blinds me to fully appreciating how blessed I am to be where I am. I am blinded and I don't want to be.
Part-time is coming...and I have NO CLUE how it will really look but for now I'm enjoying each day with my boys with the fights, whines, playing together, throwing toys, time-outs, picky eating, excited smiles and eyes and lousy eye-rolling and frowns.
I don't want to be blind...not anymore.
