As I go back through the e-course "Hello Soul, Hello Mantras" from Kelly Rae Roberts, I am struck by how God has used this growth to propel me to where He wants me to be.
The journey began in February of this year where I was burning out...running little, feeling heavy (in all aspects) and faultering much. I knew I was throwing myself (or rather allowing myself 'no pun intended since this blog is called the same') to run ragged, to not care for myself, to say yes too often to a high-energy job that was sucking the life out of me.
My profession is medical social work but oddly enough my background is in marriage and family therapy (my roots) so the two professions work well together but fight for my theoretical stance. I've been following Kelly's work for at least 4 years and notably became more intrigued after the birth of her son True (especially since I'd had my first child just a year or so before and struggled with the balance of motherhood with my identity.
Thus, Kelly's story is eerily similar to mine especially since I chose other endeavors over art in high school. But moving this story on...
February - the pace of life had to stop (it couldn't) but my self-care, my care for my family and my sanity had to shift. Thus, the e-course was presented...I thought "no way, I can't or don't have time..." and then it hit me. "I can't afford not to do this, this looks awesome". So I jumped.
It was absolutely lovely going through Part One, that's my wheel-house. I LOVE becoming still, quieting and contemplating about life, my identity, reframing, utilizing therapeutic methods and concepts to shift perspective and inviting God into my world. (I laugh at this last part...WOW has He showed me so much about how I 'invite' Him in - he created the whole world ya know, it's more like inviting me in).
Part One - a breeze, shifted my view of work and life balance. Brought me back to my love for all things contemplative and intentional. Part Two however, rendered so much anxiety to even START!! A perfectionism that I thought had been subdued came out flaming. I'd get stuck quick and for long periods of time.
I'd start to do the basic techniques and would do A LOT of canvases but it took me forever to initiate that next step and that next video. I kept thinking, "I'm going to miss something, I'm going to forget." "I paid money for this, I want to document it, I want to REMEMBER."
My thought now, "oh how sad that i put so much pressure on myself and didn't just whole-heartedly trust that I'd learn what I'd need."
Remaining unattached and revisiting my 5-11 year old self while painting was probably the most healing thing I could do for myself at that time. It creating a new learning curve for "letting go" that I hadn't experienced in the a long time. To give yourself permission just to enjoy and "see what happens", "remain curious" and not even entertaining doubt was so freeing. I remember thinking upon these concepts while in grad school while learning to facilitate conversations in therapy. You'd ask curious questions, not for the sake of diagnosing but simply about of curiousity towards better understanding.
Through this time period, I allowed myself to run again and was consistent with a "base" so I could pick up and run half marathons at any given time. From April to now, I've done 3 "just for fun" and each time I PR'd (ran my best times)-1:51! WOW! I've been running over 9 years now with marathons and halves. This kind of fun and pacing hasn't happened until now.
The Themes that came out of part Two were priceless...including "Nothing wasted, all is present" as you'd cover one layer after another.
This applied to my life - in that I had been really struggling with whether to keep on moving towards my Marriage Family Therapist license for some time or to simply 'let it go' knowing that my Social Work license was equally rewarding and purposeful. I had a hard time of letting go and did it a month before starting this class. But essentially I was doing it while painting and it began to bleed into my real life scenario more and more. Knowing that NOTHING WAS WASTED, that the education and training I had received was very much still part of me and still important to me but that another layer was ready to be applied. I let go...I didn't renew.
I began to let go of comparing myself to the productivity of my coworkers and to own my own style of social work. I began to reorder my time to begin running again and set up races for motivation. I read more, lived more and gave back to my family more.
Each video, each lesson helped me move to another level. Oh yes, I struggled and sometimes I didn't touch a canvas for days but when I did, it felt good. As of now I've only finished two canvases and that's ok. I have many at different levels now and layers. I have mantras/life-giving phrases sweeping in and out of my thought-process.
I'm owning my voice more and ok with where I am. At the beginning of the summer I kept wanting to jump forward into where I thought God wanted me, but I kept sensing that He wanted me to know that I'd have to walk the road of obedience with Him before I'd just jump there. I waited, I listened, I lived, I struggled, I looked for other jobs because the stress was so overwhelming, I redefined my role again and again and again. Then my grandmother died...and that catapulted me forward. Life had more meaning and more lessons. I saw her legacy, I felt her wisdom.
Our marriage relationship continued through a growth-spurt, hard but rewarding. I watched a friend move in bravery towards a new journey away from our hospital environment. She took the leap of faith, YES! I was so proud of her!! Then the next thing I know.......I'm the one who gets kicked to move forward.
"Surely Lord you don't mean me to be interested in her position, surely not, that's too emotional, too heavy, I'm fine where I'm at, I love my unit!" And oh so gently He nudged me and I agonized. I agonized. I sought godly wisdom from friends, I considered my purpose statement for my life. I questioned if this leap of faith -- if this risk would fit? I shot it down several times - more than I can count. I got mad, I rationalized. Then I dreamed. I did a pro/con list. I thought of everything I'd told my friend about "trust", "being brave", stepping out, going ALL IN for Him. And as I discussed with my loving and patient husband. It was clear...comfort versus risk, continuing to do good or going for great.
I stepped out. And as I stepped out...my heart felt fear, emotion and joy. Even as my mother spoke with me about potentially having a rare, incurable form of cancer...there was light. And in the days ahead...even as our car broke down and died and we had to rush to get another one, which i LOVE now right before going to the doctor's appointment to hear if she had cancer or not-there was light... And many other stressors. I finished my first painting and LOVED it. LOVED what it symbolized to me.
I have felt like I've been on a cliff of trust for a very long time now...maybe almost a year and I finally jumped, whole-heartedly with abandon, fully trusting, learning not to doubt, and expected God to go beyond my beyond. May I not forget this time! Sacred Moments...I get to be a part of sacred moments every single day now. I officially become the Miami Valley NICU Social Worker Monday. I can't tell you how surreal this change is, but it's different, it's meaningful and He's shifting my perspective on how to deal with the hard stuff. It truly does take a unique person to do such a job. And now I get to live into this unique person I had not thought that I was, but I am. Cheers!!
