Just Some Inspiration :: 1

Just Some Inspiration from my Past

a painting, a canvas, book excerpts

Release Revolution :: Stay Free of the Entanglements of Sin

Our Enemy's Tools: Temptation, Deception, Accusation

My Mess

Satan wants me to believe that I am a “nobody” and that no one would benefit from my life or my presence or my story.

He deceives me into shame and accuses me of counterfeit actions and feelings. He wants to flatten me and destroy me. It’s working too...but praise to my Jesus who whispers love and grace into my ears. Praise to my Jesus who lets me know that He can carry me. He just asks me to confess, talk with Him and turn from my ways to Him.

But sometimes I don’t think that I can. I’m too broken and life hurts too much. It doesn’t make sense and His timing is not fast enough. The answers lay hidden in another place out of my sight and out of my reach. I fear that I have missed out. Somehow the actions of others are my fault and I deserve all this confusion and uncertainty. I’m not steadfast enough and doubt too much. I question authority a lot but feel silenced by my conservative notions.

I’m torn. I’m paralyzed, the enemy knows this and he loves it. It keeps me quiet in the shadows. But I know more will come. I know my time hasn’t passed...I’m not missing out. Such lies, terrible lies full of distorted truth.

My Message :: I am worthy through Jesus and not just myself. I am loved and known. Jesus please help my stares be on you because ”where I stare is where I am steered.”

The Entanglements of Sin keeps up captive to what our enemy wants us to achieve = destruction. He wants to crush us. And we have to acknowledge this...

Release Revolution :: Things I Cannot Let Go of Yet

Who would have ever thought that letting go of things would feel almost as traumatic and losing a precious memory?

I cannot yet let go of:
* Knowledge - items that bring me more knowledge (papers I've printed out, certain book subjects that I love or desire to learn more about)

* Handprints - my boys' handprints on ANYTHING (I've even taken pictures of the mementos telling myself "Ok now you can get rid of the physical piece.") I was given a turtleneck years ago that a babysitter then placed handprints of my oldest child and the feet of my youngest child (who was literally 3 weeks old) and although I've never worn it because it's too large...I cannot part with the physical piece of it.

* Dr. Seuss Books - the fear of missing out on what my boys could learn is what keeps me and the absolute joy of having such a collection of hard little Dr. Seuss Books that we can celebrate in one week out of the year in his birthday week

* gifts that have not been used but are perfectly packaged

* event calendars (FOMO big time holds me on these)

* older workout videos, DVDs and instruction guides (these were so good and worked! I can't get rid of them! What if I don't have access to WiFi and need a DVD instead?) And of course what I default to: I paid good money for these items that I don't use now!

Release Revolution :: Discovering what Needs to be Healed

This isn't just a Release of possessions but is also a release of inner turmoil or angst or distress that has built up in my body, mind and spirit.

In discovering what needs to be healed, we can take simple and intentional steps to move forward.

What are these steps? Well I can read all I want in all kinds of books, but I am finding out that whatever it is that needs healed in us often is shown through reviewing how we cope.

When are the times you run to food, alcohol, any substance or ignore the small voice in your head that tells you "let's face this together"? When do you tend to feel like crawling in a hole? What is it about these times that propels you into shame?

And again I can ask all the questions in the world but until you and I STOP and PAUSE to consider where our pain is (literally and/or figuratively) we will not be able to even begin to identify where we may need healing.

I sense that my strong tendency to numb with food is because I need healing in the area of loving myself enough to allow myself to feel bad...to feel sad...to feel overwhelmed...to feel unloved. And that my thought-process needs to shift in order to better understand that these are feelings and that my mind is more powerful than I believe. My presence in another's life matters more than I think. And my brave is much braver than I could ever imagine.

I know my Creator and even when I feel distant from Him, it's ok to come back around and sit with Him in silence and ask Him "what needs to be healed?" "Can you help me please?"

And this begins...the process...(all over again)...and I'm a better person for it.

Release Revolution :: Throw Off What Hinders Part 2

I come back to possessions again and again, because I spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME thinking about them.

The negative effects of having a lot of stuff:

1.) Time is wasted managing the stuff.

2.) Money is wasted buying stuff.

3.) Your mind is distracted thinking about what you want to buy next. Researching it. Pinning it. Dreaming about it. Changing your mind about it. Returning it if it doesn’t work.

4.) Waste is created from all the stuff that is bought, used, and trashed.

5.) We become attached to and dependent on our stuff instead of 100% relying on God.

6.) The clutter is a constant reminder that we always have a huge to do list, that we can’t “get it together,” that we’re forgetting something, etc.

Six steps to begin to simplify.

1.) Keep a donate bin in a designated spot in your home at all times.

2.) Pray. Ask God to help you rely on Him and grow as you go through the process.

3.) Trust. He will provide what you need when you need it. Breathe deeply and remember this if you are having a hard time letting things go.

4.) Choose ONE room and only focus on that room. Don’t skip around. Confusion keeps you from completing things.

5.) Reduce by a %. Decide you are going to keep 80% of what’s in the room. You probably don’t even use 80% of what’s there but the first layer of the onion is letting go of 20% of the things you don’t use, need, or love.

6.) Focus on the solution, the end result, the feeling of freedom. 

I am going to work on only keeping things that I love and use.

“Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?” ~Matthew 6:26

“And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”~Philippians 4:19

Release Revolution :: Throw Off What Hinders Us

So what is it?
What is it that is hindering you today?

For me, it remains distractions.
Distractions hinder me...whether they are possessions, social media, clothes that don't fit anymore, the chocolate calling me from the pantry or freezer, the broken friendship where we don't talk anymore...
What is it?

Lately, I sense the need to throw off "busy". In fact, I want to "boycott busy" as Courtney Carver says in her excellent book "Soulful Simplicity". There is a badge of honor in our culture for 'busy' and we continue to exacerbate it by constantly talking to one another about it and almost one-uping each other about how much is on our plates.

It's ridiculous. So for 21 days (like a challenge) We Boycott Busy by Slowing Down

Here is how:
1. Stop talking about it. (Days 1-7)
    ban the word "busy" from your vocabulary and ask better questions like "What made you smile today?" "Did anything interesting happen today?" rather than "How are you?"
2. Do less. (Days 8-14)
    Rather than searching for more efficient ways to do it all (hello-pinterest), do less. Say no more and do what matters most to you. Work with people who want your best and not your busy.
    Each day for these 7 days eliminate one thing off of your to-do list. Don't postpone it, just let it go (ok, mailing off items, buh-bye).
    Know your strengths: what do you do best? What can you delegate or release completely?
3. Linger, longer. (Days 15-21)
    Listen to the slower voice in your head, "you can stop now...it's okay to be still and listen to your soul or stop to say a prayer." Savor good food, conversation or views. Breathe. Lose the guilt. The opposite of a busy life is a a full and intentional life.

What hinders you?
What hinders me?....perfectionism, expecting myself to be other worldly and not have all these human feelings and aspirations

doubt hinders me...questioning is natural and part of life, but doubt halts the curious process and moves me away from my faith in seeing what is unseen

So I will allow perfectionism and doubt to flow through my hands and away from my mind and body and soul...it doesn't serve me.

Release Revolution :: My Story & Prayer

In this Release Revolution season, I can now see that many times I try to piece my own story together by combining others' stories. For instance, I read about how an artist came to be the artist that she is and I immediately connect with this person's story and begin to use some of their words or phrases to describe a piece of myself.

I do this and realize that I have my very own words for this time; yet, I do not trust that my words as accurate, nor as eloquent as what the other artist has said. And then it dawns of me...I don't accept my version of who I am.

It's bold...I do not fully accept the version of who I am and how I would state my season.

It's very revealing if you think about it. It's easy to use another's words and descriptions for your own life experience since you connect with it. However, we have our own words to use and our own thoughts to think.

So coming now to my story and my current prayer "Lord, please take my broken and make it beautiful," I see how my deep brokenness of this season of life may help another person. Someone else may connect with my description and even want to use my words...but I hope and encourage this person to really look into how they would describe their own season and their own brokenness. It is so revealing.

My cracks and brokenness have and will continue to leave scars on my heart, soul and skin. My prayer is that God fills those places with His beauty and uses it for His good to help another. Sometimes I find it hard to face my thoughts these days knowing that some self-pity-filled feeling may be around the corner that will convince me that I'm always going to be stuck.

It's a seductive kind of feeling and thought-process and one that leads me to begin to believe that I deserve things in this life that I really don't. Disappointment sets in and then doubt rules the day and once again I am bound to my emotions. That is not the way I want to live. Steadfast and with faith is how I want to live.

Release Revolution :: Less is More :: Taking My Mess to More

It's a process and a title and a revolution that I have considered for over 2 years now.

After reading "7" by Jen Hatmaker in the Fall of 2014 the wheels in my mind began turning and God ignited a spark in my heart that would plague me from then on into the present day. I use the word "plague" because it ate at me walking around my house and seeing all of the "stuff"  that I held dear and the continual items I would bring into our house in an effort to make it a "home". The stress of it has paralyzed me for stretches at a time and exacerbated my experience of depression and anxiety.

I finally accepted that at the age of 34, I was indeed my mother. I held onto memories, items, plastics and glass that I had in my mind meant something so much to me that I would keep it and store it and move it around to the next storage dwelling we would have in our next season of life. I was captive and addicted to my "stuff".

I still am as much as I've worked to reduce the amount of items in our home and to let go of ideals and pictures of who I "think I should be" versus who I really am and how I am wired.

Downsizing has always felt like a dirty word to me because our culture continues to express how "upsizing" or "upgrading" is the best thing ever and means you have arrived or are better than someone else. Truth-be-told I grew up taking trips driving south on Meridian Street north of Indianapolis which is lined with mansions and told my parents, "I'm going to live in one of those someday...I love them." I appreciate architecture and character and simply admire these pictures, but I have grown to realize and see that family dysfunction lives inside mansions too...addictions live inside big house and small huts. Thus, it doesn't matter if you live in a "happier ever after house" if you don't have love and don't know yourself.

So when we moved into our current home - which was a total God story, that's 2,288 sq feet plus a half finished basement, 6 bedrooms and 3 full bathrooms on .27 acres in a cul-de-sac neighborhood and has a darling little house in the back where I am come to enjoy as a painting studio, I was elated.

I was elated...and continued to be until more life started to happy and my boys grew older and more "stuff" came into the house. They didn't play with all of it. I didn't play with all of my stuff either.

I wanted matching this and retro that. I would stare through ads online, in my email and on flyers to see what was on sale. I would browse hours on Marketplace in Facebook and Craigslist just to find the look that Joanna Gaines might have pieced together for a Fixer Upper show. IKEA catalogs used to give me oodles of ideas but I never felt that I had time to really enjoy my home anyway. I worked full-time. My children were in childcare full-time and my husband worked hours with his congregation as a minister.

My office at work was the place where it was the most "me" and it didn't have that much and I enjoyed that. I enjoyed not having to choose a certain stapler or pen. There weren't choices. You just took one and used it. I wanted my home to be this way but how? Seriously HOW?

Each time I decluttered I felt better but a part of me grab even tighter on to things that I felt were pricesless to me (i.e. honeymoon shirts or pamphlets from trips). Simply things really.

But it's time. Upon reading what has amounted to be a thorough investigation into minimalism and living with less while enjoying life more (see book list below)...it's time. STUFF HAS TO GO. LIVE HAS TO BE LIVED AGAIN. RELEASE REVOLUTION. So today remove and place items in our garage that I'm ready to part with and then Tuesday is the next step...some ideas for the stuff "DECLUTTER KINDNESS" giveaway in my driveway (free items)...
donating some items to my boys' school?
donating to Goodwill or Salvation Army?
I'm over selling things on Facebook and in Facebook groups. The time it takes to arrange pick ups or for people to actually come and pick something up off of my porch is overrated. It's almost as bad as having a yard sale anymore for me.

Pictures to come...release release release "fear asked 'if you let go will you have enough'?" Yes, yes I will have enough. No, I will not miss out.

Soulful Simplicity by Courtney Carver
The More of Less by Joshua Becker
Simplified Life by Emily Ley
Downsizing and Lose Clutter, Lose Weight by Peter Walsh
The Magic of Tidying Up and Spark Joy by Marie Kondo
The Minimalists - Documentary on Netflix

How to Write Your Faith Journey :: Part Two :: My Path to Art

In looking at my faith journey early on, it makes sense that I would pursue Social Work out of a righteous pursuit for justice for the marginalized or poor population and to seek to extend mercy to others. My faith fueled my desire to help others who weren't understood, especially since I rarely felt misunderstood as an adolescence. Goodness, I still feel misunderstood even now.

I don't like placing people into boxes, diagnoses and labels; even if there is some benefits to this method due to research and evidence-based practice. Sometimes many people can be helped with one method but often many others fall through the cracks because we created this box for them. So for me, I pursued this profession rather than art, because I felt my faith wanted to see concrete outcomes in healing (i.e. witness transformations).

Social Work led me into reliable income and provided an identity as healer. I wanted to be who I needed most when I was younger essentially. This sounds all-well and good and was meant for good. But I believe that I might have missed out on the "great" by pursuing conventional means to see concrete outcomes.

It took burnout in my NICU Social Work role and complex family life to FINALLY reconnect me fully with the art that had fed my soul in childhood. I went through the Chazown process (pursuing my life purpose and mission) through Lifechurch.tv and was able to create a mission statement that really spoke with my desire to help women and to allow myself to be vulnerable. I felt so boxed up at the hospital that when I came home and painted, often with Kelly Rae Roberts via her online courses, that I felt freer and more able to process through the trauma of the day.

Through this process, art was my therapy and a way to heal myself and recover from burnout. As Julia Cameron says in The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, I had been living as a shadow artist, "someone who loves art, did art as a child and is surrounded by artists, but is not creating art." As I painted I would give close friends and then later coworkers specific paintings that I had in mind for them. Their reactions helped to fuel my confidence as I painted more and created life-giving messages out of my mess.

Although I am more paralyzed these days than I was initially, the spark still remains and on given days I can be found swaying in my studio in deep thought and chasing squirrels out of my head as I use my hands to create with paint.

This photo painting inspires me today.