Marriage Builders Weekly :: Sex in Marriage

Sex brings more pleasure and satisfaction to marriage than anything else. And sex causes more disagreements and frustration in marriage than anything else.

Sex is one of the main reasons we get married…and sexual problems are one of the main reasons people get divorced.

When I talk about sex to married couples, I like to refer to it as both a thermostat and a thermometer. In your home, you control the temperature by turning the thermostat up or down. Sex heats up a marriage. It makes it better.

Sex can also be a marriage thermometer: it tells the temperature. If the sex is bad or infrequent, then a married couple probably isn't communicating well. You may have stress, or unresolved anger, or a host of other issues. Poor sex is a symptom of these problems.

For more on this topic watch this week's show Watch Now

So a married couple's sex life not only can make their marriage better, but can also reveal whether or not they have problems. What kind of sex life do you and your spouse have? What does it reveal about your marriage?

I believe there are three truths that we need to understand about sex. The first is that God created sex for pleasure and lifelong enjoyment. Our God is a fun God! He wants us to enjoy sex in marriage.

The second is that God gave us sexual boundaries to protect us. Just like vehicles come with an owner's manual that tells us what not to do, God gave us sex but set parameters for it. Things like adultery, fornication, incest, and lust—the Bible says these things are wrong.

No one gets mad because their owner's manual says to put oil in their Fords every few thousand miles. No one says, "Ford Motor Company doesn't want me to have any fun!" Ford wants us to treat the car right so we can enjoy it.

God is the same with sex. His rules aren't to keep us from having fun, but from getting hurt. He wants our bodies to be places of pleasure and delight for our spouses…but for no one else.

The third truth I believe about sex is that God created our sexual differences to make marriage more fulfilling and dynamic. Men and women are very different sexually. For men, sex stimulates our emotions. For women, emotions stimulate sex. We're two halves of a whole.

A woman becomes more sexual as her husband becomes more romantic and emotional. At the same time, men tend to open up more emotionally when their wives become more sexual. It all works together.

Because sex is so important, I tell couples that there are five basic ingredients of a healthy sex life. Husbands and wives should:

1. Commit to meeting their spouse's sexual needs.
2. Communicate their sexual needs to their spouse.
3. Commit to sexual purity (thoughts and actions) to protect the integrity of their marriage.
4. Be honest and accountable about temptations that can hurt a marriage.
5. Refuse to be close friends with those who violate the marriage covenant.

Those ingredients will keep a couple's sex life active, fulfilling, and healthy. God created sex in marriage to be an Eden of pleasure and delight. Embrace it. Talk about it. Pursue it within the safe boundaries of your marriage. And most of all, enjoy it together.

For more about this topic, watch this week's show!

A Surprise for Mark

It seems that when planning surprises, the biggest difficulty comes when arrangements do not work out as they did when planned in your head. It is the expectation/assumption meets reality. I knew what I wanted to do and the purpose. Take him away from everyday life: the stresses, the plans, the "normal" and have fun and connect.  So that included a meal, a movie, a night away & Ian hanging out with someone or people who knows & loves.  Some different options arose for timing, dates but as the weeks went by - everything was getting tighter...and people busier.

What happened: I got sick Sunday, Mark got sick Monday, plan was for Tuesday evening to Wednesday during the day.

Meal @ Millhouse...Movie "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol" @ Jasper 8 Theatres...a night @ French Lick...hang out read, write, blog, tweet, internet surf, lounge, prep for future).  How Lovely and blessed to do such a thing.  Ian was so excited as reported by those caring for him that he went though his routine: " he rushed around and told me what cam next".  :)

Anniversary - 9 years

‎8-3-02, 9 years of never boring adventures or facial expressions, lots of *fun*, laughs, hugs, sarcasm, Messmorisms, singing songs, craziness, peaceful walks, long runs, growing times, intense conversations, hours full of LOVE, humanness, vulnerability & God. My Knight may not be shiny new, but his imperfections make it easier for me to love him and grow toward him. Mark Messmore you are awesome and you are mine.

We marked out 9th Anniversary with a simple low-key viewing an afternoon movie: Harry Potter and then a meal at Applebees (we teetered for about 15 minutes thinking of places in the area to go to but variety and cost won out). I had Mark do a little game while we waited and in between bites. :) A lot of reminiscing and laughs.

 He had to pick out which photos went with which years of marriage:
hint, what length was Kara's hair and where did we live then?

He did pretty well. :)

We then took a non-eventful trip to Buehler's Buy Low for some errands and then picked up our munchkin.

KAMFT Conference: The Basics and Beyond for Treating Today's Sexual Issues

Each workshop I went to was chalk full of interesting new research and information about sexual issues that couples and families encounter in this day and age, including the medical factors, differing sexual desires in a couple and the basics of sexual addiction with treatment process for couples and families.

In the Thursday morning workshop: Understanding the Medical Factors Behind Couple’s Sexual Problems (by Jean D. Koehler, PhD, LMFT, AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator, Therapist and Supervisor, Asst. Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, University of Louisville Medical School), common medical causes were discussed along with treatments of sexual dysfunction, making referrals, and opportunities for further training. I was quite pleased to find that with working in a hospital PRN I had picked up enough terminology and medical language that I could understand most of the terms and surgical procedures that were presented. She discussed a lot about the effects of such procedures on a couple's sex life & the impact on their own differing desires). It was interesting to learn more about the impact of "free" testosterone (definition & amounts) in the human body and how this hormone impacts the regulation of sexual desire and arousal. I'd have to review my notes but most interesting to me was the effect after some cancer treatments. I would definitely like to look more into this subject to better understand how patient are being educated on how medical procedures may impact their marital relationships. I think men and women should be equipped with this information.

The Thursday afternoon workshop: Resolving Desire Differences by Jean A. Campbell, LMFT. Jean blended solution-focused techniques with a holistic approach of David Schnarch to help us as therapists to guide our clients out of toxic sexual interactions stemming from desire differences. Again I would need to revisit my notes on this but found that I agreed a lot with the emphasis on differentiation and how ultimately part of work may be in helping a spouse or both spouses to understand that their partner does not fully "complete" you and that the problem does not all lie in that other person's plate. Acknowledging and owning your own stuff and what you are yearning or desiring for that other person is your "stuff" and not theirs. It is your expectation and although you desire to be completely safe with that person...other things and desires get in the way and this is a lot of misinterpretation and miscommunication. (I may scan my notes here if I think about it - a lot to think about on this one). But I do see this one a lot in counseling.

Thursday late afternoon, evening was: The Ethics Behind Working With Sexually Related Issues by Stefanie Carnes, PhD. Although I was completely exhausted this provided an opportunity to learn what Federal Guidelines there are for reporting and working with someone possibly struggling viewing child pornography or other illegal actions of a sexual nature. She provided various role plays for us as therapist to do with our "clients" (our colleagues) and it helped to take out the shock value of such discoveries. It was good for me to talk through as a therapist b/c often times you don't know what issues may really be occurring with this person in front of you and they are only telling you one piece of information at a time. There for differing views in the room pertaining to the reporting aspect of this subject which honestly was nice to see since I was struggling with what I would do in certain circumstances.

All day Friday was Stefanie Carnes again with: the Basics and Beyond for Treating Today's Sexual Issues. I was pretty exhausted from the day before with just a lot of useful information. This workshop provided me with guidelines of how to navigate the minefield of family therapy for sexual addiction. There was a lengthy discussion about the criteria for sexual addiction (what it is and how we clarify it which was very interesting. She gave us an assessment tool that appeared to be very helpful. The hard part for me is when I began to gain a better understanding of the computer pornography industry and its impact on individuals, youth, and families. We were given demonstrations on particular iPhone Apps and it revealed an even darker side of this world than I am used to. Don't get me wrong I know it's there...but I do not participate in it nor do I research it myself to better understand a client's frame of mind. (For me that is too dangerous and I am wired in such a way that potentially exploring such things is not beneficial at all). So to say the least this was disturbing and very hard for me to sit through. Plus my paranoia began to work, but luckily God is so good helped me to see that His grace is enough and trusting in Him and His plan is ultimately the best way to think about and understand such behavior in our world. This understanding helps me to better relate with those close to me and not to distrust or be suspicious of things going on.

She utilized art therapy to show how spouses experienced the betrayal and how the client also felt their experience of the addiction (such shame & darkness). The impact on the family was heart-wrenching. Difficult therapeutic situations were presented and these are regular everyday people...we all fall but WOW these people fall the hardest I do believe regardless of their pasts that brought them to this desperate place of using sex or pornography to numb, to gradify, and to escape.

Towards the end we were facilitating the couple disclosure process and lastly appropriate interventions for children (of most interest to me) along with receiving resources for treatment of sexual addiction. I am a resource person because I am a generalist in where I do therapy and how I have to do therapy in a small town. My supervisor is priceless to me and invaluable.

Future: So looking to the future I began jotting down ideas for a workshop to do covering How to Help & Protect your Children to Develop a Health Sexuality. There are a lot of resources for helping parents to protect their children from online predators but the discussion for developing a health sexuality is not as prevalent. Below are a few links I am currently reading and may utilize some of their information for my own workshop.

Teaching Children Healthy Sexuality: Focus on the Family

Resources for Healthy Sexuality: The Penners

Teaching Children Healthy Sexuality: How to Start Early by Ron Jackson

Healthy Sexuality Development

CCJ Oasis: Staying in Love

Is it possible for two people to fall in love and actually stay there? Absolutely! During our Oasis time on Sunday nights we are doing this four-session video group study on making the most of your marriage with pastor & author Andy Stanley.

If you are unable to meet with us or have missed a group session, catch-up below & download the discussion questions. We'd love to have you in our actual group session - plus you get to connect with other couples who are working to "make it" in our marriage relationships.

Sunday, February 27th is scheduled as a Guided DATE NIGHT for couples to do to make Love a Verb - each couple individually goes out on their own date night.

February 13th - The Juno Dilemma

February 20th - Re-Modeling

February 27th - Guided DATE NIGHT: MarriedLife (WE Marriage) PDF

March 6th - Feelin' It

March 13th - Multiple-Choice Marriage

My Response is my Responsibility

My Response is My Responsibility


I go back to this video for premarital couples again and again, and for Mark & I.
This is part of the premarital couples' date night for the topic "communication" which is right before the conflict resolution session so it helps to soften hearts.

Extraordinary or Ordinary Couple

If your marriage was going to be made into a movie and one day it will belong to your kids or family in the future, do you want it to read “Extraordinary” or “Just OK: They kind of Survived”…”Tragedy”…. “Divorce”…What would you want for it to read?
What will make you different? How will you make it?


What is your vision for your marriage?


For Mark & I - our movie title would be: "Extraordinary: a Journey of the Quirkie and Committed OR In It to Win It OR A Journey of Grace

Mark put "Striving for better than Ordinary"...