What I am Learning about Relationships: Categorized Connections

The word "friend" is used a lot these days and especially in social media as we "friend" others and make connections.

This has it's really great and positive points of feeling belonging or inclusion, but it has also watered down the significance of this word and this connection with others.

My tendency is to call my very closest female friends "sister" and I do that intentionally because I have no biological sisters so they are my sisters. I distinguish them from a friend because they know the 2% of my life. The deepest information that I would not share with just a daily friend or neighbor.

Now those whom are called "friends" in my life are those who have walked some life with me. They are more than an acquaintance. Their lives have somewhat intertwined with mine in a particular season and they often become steady companions across seasons of life. We may not speak daily, but we pick up where we left off when discussions do happen. I consider you my friend and I care deeply about how you are doing and want to help if possible and if I can. In this case, "friend" also encompasses my closer male friends who are (not coincidentally) often my "sisters'" husbands or close friends. 

Those who are not necessarily friends because the relationship has not developed deep enough and usually pleasantries and service talk happen are considered "acquaintances". Those who see me once a week on Sundays at church, by this definition are actually more acquaintances to me than solid friends. I do care about them but it is rare for me to know anything more about them except what I would possibly see on social media or if they tell me about their trip they just took or the sickness they just endured.

These classifications aren't a bad thing and they do help me to clarify boundaries around how much time and effort I would put into a particular relationship. Some seasons lend to cultivating my sisters or a particular sister during a period of time. Some seasons means I make more times for those who are real-life friends, not just screen "friends".

Unfortunately, it was during a recent season of life where I learned that these classifications can in fact become fluid due to trauma or crisis (i.e. unintentional hurt and abandonment) or misunderstandings or even political restlessness of our country. With that being said, there are times when those who are my sisters or friends may have completely different views than myself so in that case I make sure to be respectful of their views even if I am not in agreement. My view of them doesn't necessarily change unless they "come at me" and don't respect my views. I am human, but I do not intentionally move someone out of a classification just because we disagree.

However, the case with acquaintances is different because if it's a connection that is not worth cultivating then it is easy to back up from that person or people if their views are different. I tend to become more careful of what I share or how I ask them questions and in the (age of COVID) it is easier to distance myself from them. As before, I am human and it is a protective mechanism to protect myself and my family. No one will see or hear me lash out at an acquaintance and the practice of "loving my neighbor" will remain important to me.

Furthermore, those who are strangers are really neighbors whom I simply do not know yet and have not invested any time with or crossed paths. Some attempt to "friend" me on social media, but it is rare for me to accept that invitation unless there is a mutual connection or valid reason to connect.

Lastly, there are toxic people and I would consider these people of the hurting kind. The saying is true, "hurt people HURT people." I have been one of them in the past and I remain vigilant to keep myself out of this connection category. Bitterness, sarcasm, rejection, abandonment, abuse, victimhood, learned helplessness often permeate these connections. It is hard to spend time with these humans. It is even harder if he/she/they profess a Christian worldview and love for Christ. One doesn't know when the porcupine prickly spikes will come out.

Think through your current and past relationships. Are these categories something you have dealt with? Do you find that some relationships are fluid throughout the categories or do you identify them in just one category and they will remain there? How has your experience shaped how you connect with others?

Candy is one of my sisters from another mister. We haven't spoken in at least a year and maybe texted once this past year, but there is no mistaking, when we see one another I am her K-Girl and I will spill my guts to her. There are several more sisters, but this day I'm just going to post this picture of us the last time we were together.

My NOOM Experience :: Spoiler I Lost It & I Gained It (Summer great/Winter blah)

My Noom Experience 5/2020 to 2/2021: when pursuing a goal (healthy habits) differently, we must give ourself grace to take a risk and try something new. Throughout this time, I have learned that we can still make changes despite the "bad habits" we struggle to shake, WHILE showing ourselves kindness for how far we do move in the process.
We can be frustrated that we still fell into the same self-sabotage trap again and again, AND have compassion for every setback. It's not black or white -- it's grey all over. We can still stay committed to our desire for a better outcome and to continue to treat ourselves (body, mind, spirit) with respect and prioritize our wellbeing over other distractions in the world.

So much of the process of change is about meeting yourself where you are, how you are, as who you are, and honoring what you truly need. Caring will turn into appreciating, appreciating will turn into affection, affection into adoration, and adoration somehow into love. God's love begins, endures and ends this process with us as we invite Him in.

It began really well and I was really on reading the articles and tracking my food to the point that I think was tracking 400+ straight meals and it did help and revealed some patterns in my behavior towards food and stress. I hate more water-dense foods overall and often chose a starchy vegetable over a processed carb.

Unfortunately as August came around and schooling stress with my boys was even more present and decision fatigue became prevalent, my emotional eating habits could no longer be put the side. I needed to cope and somehow I needed to cope in the immediate moment. I could no longer keep using the techniques that worked in the summer to help me make healthier choices.

The Fall became an attempt to turn the tide as I worked through the curriculum of the program. It was a lot of Cognitive Behavioral concepts and writing tasks. I was part of a group as well and there were some weeks it was helpful to share but then not so much in other weeks.

I found that the tasks would build up in my mind and I found it difficult to complete one after the other without really gripping onto what I was learning to be able to sufficiently practice the actions I needed to take. 

I then slowed down but felt behind for the next several weeks and then could feel myself giving in and giving up. The stress of my boys going in-person and then one shifting to virtual thoroughly exasperated my emotional eating as routines kept changing.

My youngest then also became virtual and again routines changed and then the holidays were upon us. 
Each day is truly a choice, but long lasting coping patterns are very hard to change and I found myself again gaining the weight back with the emotional eating while trying to cope with the anxiety and stress of daily living.

I had paid in the beginning of October for four more months and did enjoy seeing the graph of data I could glean to review my patterns around "that time of the month" as well as other times. It opened my eyes to how much my body changed during the month without me every noticing before.

I stopped tracking and was texting to my "goal specialist" but found that trying to keep goals while having severe PMS and headaches along with other symptoms simply wasn't doable. I had to give myself grace and let go of my determination to seek health in this manner.

As it stands I gained back 10 pounds out of 15 I had worked towards losing which essentially is the emotional eating. I'd like to continue to collect the data for the Spring but am deciding to cancel the subscription beginning February 5th as I feel that I'm not fully invested in this particular program anymore. It feels more defeating than helpful at this point so I will cancel and I will not miss out on anything. Because I experimented and failed in some aspects while learning more in others. Isn't that life though? A Work-in-Progress we ALL are.

What works for us in various seasons of life may not work for us in other seasons.
My summer successes don't correlate to my winter routines and so I need rest in grace and try again in a different manner.

I have written a lot during this time in my notebooks and I will continue to write.
For instance, on my last day I wrote a self-care syllabus
1) Body - something that takes care of your physical body (movement and rest)
2) Mind - something that support your mental well-being (good music and self-talk),
3) Spirit - something that nourishes your soul (daily Bible reading and prayer)

Writing notes to ourselves is very important and impactful. Exploring new methods and modes for change is also important and needed. We do "muscle-confusion" in many different manners, not just in exercising. Connection with friends is also important and something that I often neglect or discard.