This Won't Make Sense...

It's a place I'd rather not be...a place of indecisiveness and stress but in order to de-stress it completely takes away feeling and just "is".

My heart doesn't bleed for others, it is once again numb and it desires to stay that way but in this non-feelingness it is unfulfilled and non-purposeful. It snaps at people especially those closest to me and gives pat answers just to fill space or to finish a conversation that hasn't even begun. It isolates and wants to stay hidden and in its own world.

It stunts my growth and leads me to a pit. The pit where there's more dark than light, where I convince myself that those "little things" - those white lies I tell myself, white sin little things don't matter and that I will be fine. It's an angry side of me. A side I'd rather have people not see but Mark knows it's there. He knows that it gives him "the look" when he does or doesn't do something that is expected or snaps at him. Ian knows when I react much harsher that it is there and promptly reacts in a mirror-image sort of way with the same intensity.

It's a befuddling sort of scheme and sequence that has me sitting idle for moments at a time - contemplating if I'd like to stay in this state much longer. I'd rather not stay.

My Last 3 Long - Runs

18 Mile long Run - Today @ 5:19am


12 Mile Run - Last Week @ 6:39am


17 Mile Run - Aug 12 @ 5:25am

What I must Do Right NOW

As days go by and I am faced with even more uncertainty of job-status, career-direction & vision and personal purpose, I am gaining a sense that I need to "pause" and gain joy from my current position.

An odd to thing to think in my book but realizing that I am only 30, yes 30 and that Lord-willing there is more life ahead of me and in my career. I have an opportunity to be productive now by accomplishing things I was not otherwise able to focus on in previous weeks/years while here in this town. I sense a transition time...including more than a few areas in our life, and that my role is changing for Mark once again.

My biggest challenge is to not get caught-up in the uncertainty. My brain and my body reacts to it - so much so that I was scheduled to do a 5 mile run this morning and had absolutely no desire or drive to do it. I let the depression creep in and grip me. It would have been better to have ran just a little than to do none at all.

I have lists and lists of to-dos around and for this house, but I know that I cannot accomplish this alone but I'm not sure what my options are. Here are some:
* transfer pile of sticks & compost to the yard waste are in town (need truck and man-power)
* cut & clear weeds/vines/growth behind shed
* pick weeds out of landscaping
* cut vines over rock siding
* declutter house (entire house - throw-away, donate, sell, give away)
* finish all un-finished house projects:
- touch-up bathroom paint
- paint living room trim & ceiling
- paint kitchen ceiling
- paint closet doors in main bedroom
- sand panelling in guest bedroom area & paint

Just a lot to do and having a struggle determining how and when.

Love These | Memory Keepers

A Great Idea!! You can use $40 with the code "beginanywhere" @ www.papercoterie.com...

Love These | Memory Keepers

Strassenfest: Train Ride & Parade

Always LOVE new experience specially when life is sooo not-knowing right now.

And the Parade :)

 NOTE: We told Ian, "now put your hands out if you want candy" and this was the result.

The Down-Fall of Non-Routine

Although having no routine can be very, very freeing. For me, it becomes a vacuum of time passing or otherwise known as "wasting" away. (I used to see it as Creative Time but life has changed, priorities have changed.) And something clicked in me as I found out today that I did not get a full-time job I had interviewed for here a couple weeks ago.  What clicked was that, I was gearing myself up for both options (get the job great or don't get the job ok) but when the words came out of the notifier's mouth...I did not hear it as I thought I would.

I heard more not-knowingness, I heard "you were a strong candidate" but that I don't have something. I heard I have a great personality but it's not the right time. I heard...God wants you to wait -- but I didn't want to wait. I wanted it now...I wanted the routine. I wanted the balance and the perks of knowing my schedule (time off and time on). I wanted insurance benefits and a salary. I wanted a new passion. I desired to get out of my comfort zone. I yet...I am now completely out of my comfort zone. The Not-Knowingness is more blarring in my face and I'm not saying that this is bad but it is very uncomfortable and disorienting to me.

Now...is time for re-processing, re-focusing...allowing God to move and me to slow-down and process the last couple of months of change. Oh how very human I am, wanting it all now, thinking I must have something or am not content with something else.  How fickle....or how vulnerable. Shucks...

Anniversary - 9 years

‎8-3-02, 9 years of never boring adventures or facial expressions, lots of *fun*, laughs, hugs, sarcasm, Messmorisms, singing songs, craziness, peaceful walks, long runs, growing times, intense conversations, hours full of LOVE, humanness, vulnerability & God. My Knight may not be shiny new, but his imperfections make it easier for me to love him and grow toward him. Mark Messmore you are awesome and you are mine.

We marked out 9th Anniversary with a simple low-key viewing an afternoon movie: Harry Potter and then a meal at Applebees (we teetered for about 15 minutes thinking of places in the area to go to but variety and cost won out). I had Mark do a little game while we waited and in between bites. :) A lot of reminiscing and laughs.

 He had to pick out which photos went with which years of marriage:
hint, what length was Kara's hair and where did we live then?

He did pretty well. :)

We then took a non-eventful trip to Buehler's Buy Low for some errands and then picked up our munchkin.