It's a place I'd rather not be...a place of indecisiveness and stress but in order to de-stress it completely takes away feeling and just "is".
My heart doesn't bleed for others, it is once again numb and it desires to stay that way but in this non-feelingness it is unfulfilled and non-purposeful. It snaps at people especially those closest to me and gives pat answers just to fill space or to finish a conversation that hasn't even begun. It isolates and wants to stay hidden and in its own world.
It stunts my growth and leads me to a pit. The pit where there's more dark than light, where I convince myself that those "little things" - those white lies I tell myself, white sin little things don't matter and that I will be fine. It's an angry side of me. A side I'd rather have people not see but Mark knows it's there. He knows that it gives him "the look" when he does or doesn't do something that is expected or snaps at him. Ian knows when I react much harsher that it is there and promptly reacts in a mirror-image sort of way with the same intensity.
It's a befuddling sort of scheme and sequence that has me sitting idle for moments at a time - contemplating if I'd like to stay in this state much longer. I'd rather not stay.
No comments:
Post a Comment