Although having no routine can be very, very freeing. For me, it becomes a vacuum of time passing or otherwise known as "wasting" away. (I used to see it as Creative Time but life has changed, priorities have changed.) And something clicked in me as I found out today that I did not get a full-time job I had interviewed for here a couple weeks ago. What clicked was that, I was gearing myself up for both options (get the job great or don't get the job ok) but when the words came out of the notifier's mouth...I did not hear it as I thought I would.
I heard more not-knowingness, I heard "you were a strong candidate" but that I don't have something. I heard I have a great personality but it's not the right time. I heard...God wants you to wait -- but I didn't want to wait. I wanted it now...I wanted the routine. I wanted the balance and the perks of knowing my schedule (time off and time on). I wanted insurance benefits and a salary. I wanted a new passion. I desired to get out of my comfort zone. I yet...I am now completely out of my comfort zone. The Not-Knowingness is more blarring in my face and I'm not saying that this is bad but it is very uncomfortable and disorienting to me.
Now...is time for re-processing, re-focusing...allowing God to move and me to slow-down and process the last couple of months of change. Oh how very human I am, wanting it all now, thinking I must have something or am not content with something else. How fickle....or how vulnerable. Shucks...
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