Raw Thoughts Right Now...October...

I feel like nothing without producing...
It's a sad reality that after working outside the home and commuting that I always felt "on" and ever since then...I have struggled with feeling that need to be productive because "time is money".

I realize there are a lot of mental strongholds in my mind that have been built up over time and that I need to re-examine how I think. I have blasted our culture for it's "rush" and "hustle" mentality which strips our kids of their childhoods and forces families to choose between a sport or family time or church or a sport, or healthy rhythms and productive: money-making avenues.

Maybe I just need to ramble. I feel like this wilderness of 2018 and 2019 has situated me as a wanderer and seeking all kinds of idols and "methods" for relief while feeling confused, disappointed and angry about our life routine and departure from Ohio (where I Thought we'd spend much time while our boys went through school; where I Thought we had found and formed genuine community and where people would reach out and help those struggling...that's not what I discovered...and where I Thought I would blossom and become more of who God desired me to be...but I didn't, I became a hermit and recluse, anxious and overwhelmed, hating life, hating myself and struggling as a mother, a wife, a woman, a daughter of God).

I don't like writing and typing much right now because what comes out of me are words and phrases that I don't want to describe me. THIS is not me...the anxious one took over my world and rocked all the securities that I used to rely on and felt comfortable by and the craziest thing is that I wanted her to do that...I didn't want to be too comfortable or complacent but she has gone too far the other way and I'm propensity to 'give up' skyrocketed during all the disappointments.

We are here in a new city, new surroundings, new people, new church, new families, new school, new rhythms, new bugs, new challenges and new outlooks but the haze is still present. I want the haze to go away and permanently leave me alone...alone but that's not how it works. The darkness actually shows more of the Light I want to move toward which is good, but that shadows also loom. It's an odd feeling to intentionally choose Joy each day and seek Hope and yet still "feel" outside of yourself. I know I'm still not "me". But I'm not okay yet still on my way.