I'm not sure what I want out of today.
It has already proven to be slightly confusing with a one-hour delay due to ice for the kiddos to begin their schooling. One opens a Chromebook in our work room and one is transported to his school to attend his in-person second grade class.
I awoke in a "tizzy" and feel like I haven't recovered from the abrupt way I woke up.
The puppy continues to be playful when it isn't quite time to be playful and then falls asleep at unexpected times and the house gets really, really quiet.
I normally welcome this quiet and either fill it with a workout session, a treadmill running session or with a Bible study. But today I feel more "off" than normal and almost feel like I need a lot of caffeine to become focused and situated.
Once upon a time I would fill out the 5-Second Rule Journal I made for myself once I went through Mel Robbin's Mindset Reset course in the beginning of 2019. It was very helpful and part of the process is writing down the top 3-5 things that you desire to accomplish within your day and then setting the time when you would stop your work.
It is possible that the confusion and unpreparedness of this morning has muddied my mind and now I must re-centre, re-calibrate, re-evaluate and pause.
So I pause, while looking out the front window onto the beaming white snow hit just right by the sun to almost blind my eye gaze. I wonder what my neighbors are doing (something far more noble than I, I suppose, living life and doing routines).
What a different life I am living than originally I had thought that I would. As a youngster, it simply made sense to me that one grows up, has a family and continues to live life with some purpose while going to work to further the world and to continue to love our communities. The thought had not occurred to me that I might not pursue a career or that my children would experience a life much different than my own...family reunions, extended family gatherings, sport practices and school activities...even church activities and social gatherings.
Even before COVID-19 was a thing, we lived a very different life with me working full-time as my oldest turned four and we moved to a new town. Roots looked very different to this gal who grew up in one area and knew her friends all the way from kindergarten to graduation and also met other community kids along the way. My sons were already being brought up in a place I did not know, I could not know.
Feeling like a fish out of water, became my normal long-ago when moving out of my house and into a college dorm room eight hours away. Even when it felt like something was becoming known, another semester would begin and it felt like square one all over again.
Moving from small town-medium community to tiny college-smaller community to then huge university at University of Louisville and medium city is enough to make a fish become a puffer fish with spikes that has to insulate itself from all the unknowns.
Louisville felt beyond whimsical and overwhelming. It was a feeling of significance again being in a small, somewhat perceived "elite" specialization at a large university. It's where my voice had to grow and my wings had to be built as well as some tough skin. The puffer fish gradually deflated as the surroundings became more familiar and exploration was more invigorating. The stories that were witnessed as my therapist mind was being developed was empowering and traumatic.
There was one particular client who was blind and it was obvious at the beginning that she walked into the room with a very heavy burden. The out of body experience during that session was very real as I listened to her trauma of essentially being gang-raped. This small town girl, from a conservative Christian home in Indiana who knew mostly basketball and high-achieving growing up was witness to pure evil in this client's story. It was all very surreal.
Running became the main outlet and was followed up with races and eventually a full-marathon. It was the most therapeutic gift I could give myself as my body and mind needed to process through the days' conversations and experiences. Literally it was either "Kara read or Kara run." One would happen or the other would happen and that was it.
Choice is a funny animal when presented with multiple options. It often feels paralyzing to see many choices and paths that can be taken. This is the perspective I found as I we continued in the city. I knew we would move and I began to untether from the area and the relationships.
Our next move was to a small regional town in souther Indiana and there we would find hungry souls wanting more of God and our wings spreading in unanticipated ways. We had no children yet, just two cats and work ethics. The puffer fish did not know what to think but had already deflated in vulnerability and empowerment so she remained.
Taking the road less traveled has become a hallmark of my life it seems. The wilderness path, explorative nature of my mind and willingness to venture off path would take me into neighbors' woods growing up. It would lead me to consider multiple options for career paths and ultimately, put me in position to push myself harder than I ever thought that I could or would.
However, after having three part-time jobs spanning from church office management to hospital and home health social work along with practicing marriage and family therapy, my heart was no longer curious about these areas. It takes a lot of self-awareness and reflection to allow silence in our lives. Silence truly is golden and something that is taken for granted in the pursuit of busy.
Pausing...
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