Right Now :: April Edition

I did write in March, but I have not yet published what I wrote because really, it's a matter of faith.
In my March post (which is still a draft) I wrote from the point-of-view of living in late summer of 2019 where time had passed and our transition and waiting begin to have some answers. It is mind-blowing and I'm holding this vision for my family in fragile hands.

Hurt lingers...we remain in the healing and waiting period which is taking more trust than I'd like to admit. But as I learn and continue to go through reviving my practice in art as healing and in considering next steps in my Social Work career I'm more apt to consider pursuing Art Therapy whether certified or not and simply being present in groups for the experience of using our hands in this way.

I took a Mama through creating the beginnings of a painting for her 2nd grade daughter this morning to celebrate the daughter's rebirth in Baptism and to highlight her word "Trust" and Psalm 31:14 which is her baptism verse. It is and will be a sacred piece made by her mama's hands and meant to remind her of who she is and whose she is at her core so that she can remember through life that she will never be alone.

Although I would be lying if I told you that I don't feel any more anger, because it's part of the grief process and it still hits me at times. In recent months and even the past couple of years I have wrestled with doubts that I simply did not entertain in the past. Whether these were voices from my past or voices from previous or current friends regarding God and his existence and the institution of the Church along with God's people...it has brought more questions to mind than answers.

How is it that the most loving Savior on earth who unconditionally loves His children and people...may not have the most loving children or people?

How is it that the group we so intimately called "family" here in Ohio would make such withdrawing decisions for us in the wake of my husband and I reaching out for community due to mental health and our family in the 'name of our healing'?

How is it that this group would follow the leading of leadership who had never experienced such a walk and did not question if more follow-up was needed or that the story they are being fully told is precisely what my husband and I want?

I constantly heard "I'm praying for you" and I know that was heartfelt and kind, but there was no invitation to come sit with me or my husband in the darkness. No one to come help us with our boys as we navigated each new and relentless day. Yes prayer is AWESOME and through Christ can move mountains...but if there is no action, no love displayed than that faith is dead. DEAD. A family brought us a meal once and could see the pain...but life is life and it goes on.

No follow-up from seeking community equals abandonment in my book and that is my perspective. The Church as a whole (denominational or non-denominational), God's people who follow Him are sorely under-educated about how to walk alongside those in their family with mental illness (whether, depression, anxiety, bipolar, substance abuse, ADHD or even chronic illnesses). The Church believes it understands...but simply referring people to professional counselors doesn't cut it. Simply giving lists of resources and checking in like a business contact doesn't cut it. COME SIT WITH ME. SEND A NOTE (and yes, some caring friends in the congregation did sent cards and notes, but it honestly felt so hard to reach out by that time). The isolation feels deafening and I'm not dramatizing this either. It is deafening.

I halted looking at social media quite a bit because it simply reminded me that "you are alone in this...life lives on for them...activities continue but in your life, you go to counseling once a week, the chiropractor 2-3 times a week, care for your boys and answer their hard questions while also braking up their fights and monitoring their outbursts, try to sleep or get naps, pick up a job here or there and try to keep your brain from going into a dark mode. It's suffering.

But yes...with time and shifting perspectives through conversations with God and His Word...we see light through a different window. So Right Now ::
* I sit at the computer to type my Faith Journey which now includes 2018 as the year of pruning, untethering from relationships and our church family, isolation and suffering
* I get to decide how I think about 2019 and how I move forward
* I'm so blessed to better understand that having expectations for close friends goes no where and that we all have to simply show up and be with one another with where we are
* I grief the loss of friendships that I thought were deep and meaningful
* I let go of anger again today...hoping that tomorrow, it will continue to be to a lesser degree that I think about Oct-Dec to the present
* I cherish my YMCA 5:30 am morning class who do not all know what has transpired, but for those who have an inkling give me a hug right away in the morning and welcome me into their own messes
* I realize that living in another person's mess can be so helpful as it helps me not focus on mine
* witnessing Mark shift in his mindset as well as we wait for what God has for us next (whether in a move, in a job, in friendships, in the weather (hello it's Ohio, Winter-Spring-Winter-Spring) is a gift that I don't want to miss
* 'showing up' and walking alongside others who can't or don't quite know how to reach out truly is a skill and a gift that must be developed in this age of technology...you can message or text sure.....yes please do that...but SHOW UP.

Until next Month's "Right Now".