Vulnerability

Speaking of vulnerability, all of this reading about shame and its effects and how vulnerability (willingness to express it and/or not express it or access it), has brought me to now.

Over the past several days I have been pondering...where am I "closed" to people and where am I "open". So being a person of authenticity (striving to do so) I am figuring out who and with whom I am more authentic and with whom I go into counseling mode (which is a bit different) and/or life mode (which is basic conversation). In a profession where "objectivity" is touted as the ultimate need...for a professional, although very hard to attain - I am presented with a dilemma. How much of myself do I allow in a room with being present with someone in their pain? All of myself? Some of myself? All & some together or none of myself if it is terribly traumatic? How much do I allow in a simple public setting where people might be watching (or not)?

There are those people who I "let my guard" down with whom I trust and can assume and have been shown to be trustworthy and "get me". There are those who I can be fun with and joke around with but am unsure still about those deep issues or discussions that roll around in my head on a daily basis. There are those I have issues in common with (food issues - mind you vulnerability here) and there are those who I have no common issue with one bit and yet discuss life with.

We all have "inner circles" at least it is a belief of mine that it is healthy to do so. Jesus had an inner circle of those He trusted. And then a family circle - those I consider family but might not fully disclose to depending on their personality and then there is a "friend" circle - I call you "friend" but we might not have time or have invested in a deep friendship together. And then there are acquaintances - a very large group that I interact with a good bit but without that deep meaning that is part of my heart. We are a church of close to a 1,000 people now and I find most of my relationships in the congregation to be acquaintances (good ones) but still that is the level. Which is where I'm finding it is the hard part for me with vulnerability and facebook.

Many of my facebook friends are simply acquaintances. "I like you, you like me, we have Christ and that is our commonality." There are friends, "I hang out with you, you with me and we read and discuss items, we're friends." Those even closer - "I make time out of my day for you, you check up on me and we 'do life' together and share our lives together." Those who are closest: "you challenge me, you call me on 'my stuff' when I'm letting it get in the way again of thriving...you care and you allow me to be vulnerable and I trust you completely - you follow-up." We all have those opportunities for these close friendship (for me sisterships) but often we don't allow ourselves to be vulnerable and simply shut people out. My problem at times & more recently, I begin to mix everything up and place my closest friends into regular friends and aquaintances and shut them out - I close off as one friend told me. And I do.

It's a way to separate myself to help me see where I am at and how much of myself I can give, am willing to give and would like to give. Ultimately I wish I had enough for everything and everyone but I'm not God and don't desire to be. Vulnerability...how much am I willing to let out? How much am I able to share? Will you listen? Will you care? Will this mean anything to you if you would know I or someone else was struggling? Could you give? We all face it, we just don't talk about it too much b/c it might be uncomfortable or make us talk about those issues we'd rather keep hidden. Those things that we feel shame towards or do not know how to express. Yes this is me, deep me and I'm ok with it. I have the stability of instability and realize that is why I do therapy...how else will I get it? LOL *sigh*