A Tribute: Tracy Watts Zehr

Some things I learned this past week from Tracy's passing. Life is fleeting...whether you are in good health or not. God's purpose for your life is a mystery and ultimately is to glorify him...love others...and be that person that He desires for you to be - to see a good work in you. When we left Jasper I held onto Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things;

    do not dwell on the past.
¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland."

When we left I never looked back...not once. It was all forward thinking even when I was slightly lonely from not knowing people. I looked forward to pursuing God in a new church family...in spending time with Ian...then to working full-time...then to having a new baby boy....staying healthy.  Not once did I look back - I missed people but I knew not to look back.  And then Alex's post about prayer came up and what was going on. I prayed and prayed and prayed. More than I have done in quite a long time especially about just one thing.  Prayed and prayed for a miracle for healing or for His will.
But when she passed...I-looked-back. 

And what I found, was loss...pain...missing a family that I knew we had and people that we had shared our lives with through some very trying times. Those people who also celebrated our new achievements and even pushed themselves to achieve as well or to delve deeper into their lives. I found pictures in my mind springing up of various memories and get-togethers. I found laughter at the simplest things, running to friends' houses for fun. I found heartache at remembering how Ian still wants to be in Jasper at times. But I did find healing too.

Healing with the knowledge and truth that although we are far away in distance, this family is still part of the big Kingdom and that we share the most important thing on earth: Christ. It's a family that is not distinctive because of blood or even personalities. We are family because we shared life and we share Christ and we share burdens. I have new family here and haven't had the opportunity to really share life with them quite yet. It's just the beginning. It's a vulnerable thing to do and it's scary but it's so rewarding to open back up.  So although I am going to miss sharing life with those still in Jasper -- hopefully they will come visit us in our new life here in Troy, Ohio.  I found that when we did visit Jasper a week or so before Tracy's passing...I found it hard to do. 

It's like you never leave, yet everything and everyone has changed in some way. I'm not the same person here as I was in Jasper, really I am not. I am more responsible here and have found my grounding here as a mother and a professional.  In Jasper, I was insecure as a mother and seemed to long for more independence but here there are opportunities galore but I have no desire to pursue them b/c I'd rather be a mom. My focus is not on antiques or flea market finds (probably b/c we're not in a house yet) and I love simplifying the space around me.  I am in a different role at the hospital and with my coworkers. We are from ALL different walks of life.  I didn't expect to feel the yearning for Jasper that I did nor the regret for leaving that occurred when Tracy passed but now that I have, it makes those relationships I made there...stronger, deeper and richer. I forgot about that in my "focus forward". 

I will remember fireworks at the Zehrs, swimming there, watching Ian and Jazlyn play around at a wedding reception, swimming with Alex in the mornings while training, working with Tracy's mom Pat and literally sharing an office with her talking about everything from Melanie's (Tracy's older sister's) growth out of grief to Tammy's (Tracy's younger sister) nursing education to Jazlyn's silly faces to my own perspective on people's lives and laughing A LOT!  I'll remember Tracy's laugh and conversations with her when I was going through post-partum depression with Ian - her encouragement and her small group which I loved! She's laugh at me too which was nice. We all impact one another - I just hope mine is a good impact that somehow outweighs the selfishness that I know I have that stunts my spiritual growth. We should all pray that God uses us in His ways because ultimately that is what matters anyway and Tracy was another one of His daughters who was able to experience that.