It's Going to Be OK

It's going to be OK.

I'm going to be OK.

You're going to OK.

In the scheme of life's events today is a blimp and one that will never repeat itself again. 

The emotions you have and the thoughts spirals that are present in your 'now' may show up again but they will be in differing frequencies and durations.

Nothing about this moment will be anything but unique and an opportunity to BEGIN AGAIN.

We are always in a process of changing and adapting.

Our reactions and responses may be predictable, but we get to choose if we repeat them.

I tend to walk my own fine line of procrastination and self-pity in various moments throughout my day, but each day is different, each weather pattern is different, each angle of the sun coming through my house windows is different and each sound I hear coming from outside is different.

Living in 'now' and 'today' enables each choice to be a new one.

Guilt, Apathy, Boredom

Writing often happens in my head without me ever taking the physical action to do it.
For instance, all today I have gathered thoughts that I would put down in a journal and it's how my day has sequenced itself, except I have written down absolutely nothing. I think that the reason I haven't written ANY of it down is because (internal belief) - "if I write it down then it must be true".

That is scary to me because what I have discussed in my head has to do with purpose and with intention and with God's plan in how He MIGHT use me.

Guilt, apathy and boredom have begun to infiltrate my days.

No particular direction draws me in.

Oh no one would really be able to tell as far as looking at me.
My eyes will still light up if I am engaging in a conversation especially at a function I am willingly participating in. However, when at home...inwardly, I'm in some distress.

It's an odd feeling.

There isn't any one activity that sounds fun or sounds interesting. And the activities that do sound fun or interesting...well they aren't at home. They are out and about exploring but then I have 'guilt' surrounding "what about Mark?" "what about my boys?" I can't leave them. "What about the dogs?"

My life is not my own.
My life is not my own, not because of being part of a family; although that does impact it, but rather because I willingly submit and surrender to a higher power: God, the Creator, Sustainer, His Son Jesus.

But I lose sight of this truth every time apathy walks across my path and boredom lulls me to food to get a dopamine hit. Every time I'm lulled to obsess over my skin or the future.

How easy it has become to distract me. How lonely I feel trying to "hide", because that is EXACTLY what I'm doing, HIDING. Hiding my eyes, my face, my shame, my internal conflict.

I'm tired of hiding but that's all I'll give myself permission to do; especially in friendships. Putting forth effort is hard and it is tiring anymore to me. Sitting in silence comes naturally to me these days but sitting with others now, during and after COVID...that feels more difficult.

All of this is to say that there is a lot of conversation in my head these days and it isn't necessarily helpful. I ask myself therapeutic questions and test the cognitive distortions of my thoughts...but in the end, the desire to care about it just isn't there; at least not today.

What I am Learning about Relationships: Categorized Connections

The word "friend" is used a lot these days and especially in social media as we "friend" others and make connections.

This has it's really great and positive points of feeling belonging or inclusion, but it has also watered down the significance of this word and this connection with others.

My tendency is to call my very closest female friends "sister" and I do that intentionally because I have no biological sisters so they are my sisters. I distinguish them from a friend because they know the 2% of my life. The deepest information that I would not share with just a daily friend or neighbor.

Now those whom are called "friends" in my life are those who have walked some life with me. They are more than an acquaintance. Their lives have somewhat intertwined with mine in a particular season and they often become steady companions across seasons of life. We may not speak daily, but we pick up where we left off when discussions do happen. I consider you my friend and I care deeply about how you are doing and want to help if possible and if I can. In this case, "friend" also encompasses my closer male friends who are (not coincidentally) often my "sisters'" husbands or close friends. 

Those who are not necessarily friends because the relationship has not developed deep enough and usually pleasantries and service talk happen are considered "acquaintances". Those who see me once a week on Sundays at church, by this definition are actually more acquaintances to me than solid friends. I do care about them but it is rare for me to know anything more about them except what I would possibly see on social media or if they tell me about their trip they just took or the sickness they just endured.

These classifications aren't a bad thing and they do help me to clarify boundaries around how much time and effort I would put into a particular relationship. Some seasons lend to cultivating my sisters or a particular sister during a period of time. Some seasons means I make more times for those who are real-life friends, not just screen "friends".

Unfortunately, it was during a recent season of life where I learned that these classifications can in fact become fluid due to trauma or crisis (i.e. unintentional hurt and abandonment) or misunderstandings or even political restlessness of our country. With that being said, there are times when those who are my sisters or friends may have completely different views than myself so in that case I make sure to be respectful of their views even if I am not in agreement. My view of them doesn't necessarily change unless they "come at me" and don't respect my views. I am human, but I do not intentionally move someone out of a classification just because we disagree.

However, the case with acquaintances is different because if it's a connection that is not worth cultivating then it is easy to back up from that person or people if their views are different. I tend to become more careful of what I share or how I ask them questions and in the (age of COVID) it is easier to distance myself from them. As before, I am human and it is a protective mechanism to protect myself and my family. No one will see or hear me lash out at an acquaintance and the practice of "loving my neighbor" will remain important to me.

Furthermore, those who are strangers are really neighbors whom I simply do not know yet and have not invested any time with or crossed paths. Some attempt to "friend" me on social media, but it is rare for me to accept that invitation unless there is a mutual connection or valid reason to connect.

Lastly, there are toxic people and I would consider these people of the hurting kind. The saying is true, "hurt people HURT people." I have been one of them in the past and I remain vigilant to keep myself out of this connection category. Bitterness, sarcasm, rejection, abandonment, abuse, victimhood, learned helplessness often permeate these connections. It is hard to spend time with these humans. It is even harder if he/she/they profess a Christian worldview and love for Christ. One doesn't know when the porcupine prickly spikes will come out.

Think through your current and past relationships. Are these categories something you have dealt with? Do you find that some relationships are fluid throughout the categories or do you identify them in just one category and they will remain there? How has your experience shaped how you connect with others?

Candy is one of my sisters from another mister. We haven't spoken in at least a year and maybe texted once this past year, but there is no mistaking, when we see one another I am her K-Girl and I will spill my guts to her. There are several more sisters, but this day I'm just going to post this picture of us the last time we were together.

My NOOM Experience :: Spoiler I Lost It & I Gained It (Summer great/Winter blah)

My Noom Experience 5/2020 to 2/2021: when pursuing a goal (healthy habits) differently, we must give ourself grace to take a risk and try something new. Throughout this time, I have learned that we can still make changes despite the "bad habits" we struggle to shake, WHILE showing ourselves kindness for how far we do move in the process.
We can be frustrated that we still fell into the same self-sabotage trap again and again, AND have compassion for every setback. It's not black or white -- it's grey all over. We can still stay committed to our desire for a better outcome and to continue to treat ourselves (body, mind, spirit) with respect and prioritize our wellbeing over other distractions in the world.

So much of the process of change is about meeting yourself where you are, how you are, as who you are, and honoring what you truly need. Caring will turn into appreciating, appreciating will turn into affection, affection into adoration, and adoration somehow into love. God's love begins, endures and ends this process with us as we invite Him in.

It began really well and I was really on reading the articles and tracking my food to the point that I think was tracking 400+ straight meals and it did help and revealed some patterns in my behavior towards food and stress. I hate more water-dense foods overall and often chose a starchy vegetable over a processed carb.

Unfortunately as August came around and schooling stress with my boys was even more present and decision fatigue became prevalent, my emotional eating habits could no longer be put the side. I needed to cope and somehow I needed to cope in the immediate moment. I could no longer keep using the techniques that worked in the summer to help me make healthier choices.

The Fall became an attempt to turn the tide as I worked through the curriculum of the program. It was a lot of Cognitive Behavioral concepts and writing tasks. I was part of a group as well and there were some weeks it was helpful to share but then not so much in other weeks.

I found that the tasks would build up in my mind and I found it difficult to complete one after the other without really gripping onto what I was learning to be able to sufficiently practice the actions I needed to take. 

I then slowed down but felt behind for the next several weeks and then could feel myself giving in and giving up. The stress of my boys going in-person and then one shifting to virtual thoroughly exasperated my emotional eating as routines kept changing.

My youngest then also became virtual and again routines changed and then the holidays were upon us. 
Each day is truly a choice, but long lasting coping patterns are very hard to change and I found myself again gaining the weight back with the emotional eating while trying to cope with the anxiety and stress of daily living.

I had paid in the beginning of October for four more months and did enjoy seeing the graph of data I could glean to review my patterns around "that time of the month" as well as other times. It opened my eyes to how much my body changed during the month without me every noticing before.

I stopped tracking and was texting to my "goal specialist" but found that trying to keep goals while having severe PMS and headaches along with other symptoms simply wasn't doable. I had to give myself grace and let go of my determination to seek health in this manner.

As it stands I gained back 10 pounds out of 15 I had worked towards losing which essentially is the emotional eating. I'd like to continue to collect the data for the Spring but am deciding to cancel the subscription beginning February 5th as I feel that I'm not fully invested in this particular program anymore. It feels more defeating than helpful at this point so I will cancel and I will not miss out on anything. Because I experimented and failed in some aspects while learning more in others. Isn't that life though? A Work-in-Progress we ALL are.

What works for us in various seasons of life may not work for us in other seasons.
My summer successes don't correlate to my winter routines and so I need rest in grace and try again in a different manner.

I have written a lot during this time in my notebooks and I will continue to write.
For instance, on my last day I wrote a self-care syllabus
1) Body - something that takes care of your physical body (movement and rest)
2) Mind - something that support your mental well-being (good music and self-talk),
3) Spirit - something that nourishes your soul (daily Bible reading and prayer)

Writing notes to ourselves is very important and impactful. Exploring new methods and modes for change is also important and needed. We do "muscle-confusion" in many different manners, not just in exercising. Connection with friends is also important and something that I often neglect or discard.

Thoughts and History Collide

I'm not sure what I want out of today. 
It has already proven to be slightly confusing with a one-hour delay due to ice for the kiddos to begin their schooling. One opens a Chromebook in our work room and one is transported to his school to attend his in-person second grade class.

I awoke in a "tizzy" and feel like I haven't recovered from the abrupt way I woke up.

The puppy continues to be playful when it isn't quite time to be playful and then falls asleep at unexpected times and the house gets really, really quiet.

I normally welcome this quiet and either fill it with a workout session, a treadmill running session or with a Bible study. But today I feel more "off" than normal and almost feel like I need a lot of caffeine to become focused and situated. 

Once upon a time I would fill out the 5-Second Rule Journal I made for myself once I went through Mel Robbin's Mindset Reset course in the beginning of 2019. It was very helpful and part of the process is writing down the top 3-5 things that you desire to accomplish within your day and then setting the time when you would stop your work. 

It is possible that the confusion and unpreparedness of this morning has muddied my mind and now I must re-centre, re-calibrate, re-evaluate and pause. 

So I pause, while looking out the front window onto the beaming white snow hit just right by the sun to almost blind my eye gaze. I wonder what my neighbors are doing (something far more noble than I, I suppose, living life and doing routines). 

What a different life I am living than originally I had thought that I would. As a youngster, it simply made sense to me that one grows up, has a family and continues to live life with some purpose while going to work to further the world and to continue to love our communities. The thought had not occurred to me that I might not pursue a career or that my children would experience a life much different than my own...family reunions, extended family gatherings, sport practices and school activities...even church activities and social gatherings.

Even before COVID-19 was a thing, we lived a very different life with me working full-time as my oldest turned four and we moved to a new town. Roots looked very different to this gal who grew up in one area and knew her friends all the way from kindergarten to graduation and also met other community kids along the way. My sons were already being brought up in a place I did not know, I could not know.

Feeling like a fish out of water, became my normal long-ago when moving out of my house and into a college dorm room eight hours away. Even when it felt like something was becoming known, another semester would begin and it felt like square one all over again.

Moving from small town-medium community to tiny college-smaller community to then huge university at University of Louisville and medium city is enough to make a fish become a puffer fish with spikes that has to insulate itself from all the unknowns.

Louisville felt beyond whimsical and overwhelming.  It was a feeling of significance again being in a small, somewhat perceived "elite" specialization at a large university. It's where my voice had to grow and my wings had to be built as well as some tough skin. The puffer fish gradually deflated as the surroundings became more familiar and exploration was more invigorating. The stories that were witnessed as my therapist mind was being developed was empowering and traumatic.

There was one particular client who was blind and it was obvious at the beginning that she walked into the room with a very heavy burden. The out of body experience during that session was very real as I listened to her trauma of essentially being gang-raped. This small town girl, from a conservative Christian home in Indiana who knew mostly basketball and high-achieving growing up was witness to pure evil in this client's story. It was all very surreal.

Running became the main outlet and was followed up with races and eventually a full-marathon. It was the most therapeutic gift I could give myself as my body and mind needed to process through the days' conversations and experiences. Literally it was either "Kara read or Kara run." One would happen or the other would happen and that was it.

Choice is a funny animal when presented with multiple options. It often feels paralyzing to see many choices and paths that can be taken. This is the perspective I found as I we continued in the city. I knew we would move and I began to untether from the area and the relationships.

Our next move was to a small regional town in souther Indiana and there we would find hungry souls wanting more of God and our wings spreading in unanticipated ways. We had no children yet, just two cats and work ethics. The puffer fish did not know what to think but had already deflated in vulnerability and empowerment so she remained.

Taking the road less traveled has become a hallmark of my life it seems. The wilderness path, explorative nature of my mind and willingness to venture off path would take me into neighbors' woods growing up. It would lead me to consider multiple options for career paths and ultimately, put me in position to push myself harder than I ever thought that I could or would.

However, after having three part-time jobs spanning from church office management to hospital and home health social work along with practicing marriage and family therapy, my heart was no longer curious about these areas. It takes a lot of self-awareness and reflection to allow silence in our lives. Silence truly is golden and something that is taken for granted in the pursuit of busy.

Pausing...

Letting Go Series :: The Outcome of the Seed You Plant

We were never meant to consume ourselves and our thoughts with the "what if's" and with the many outcomes that come about when we are to simply plant a seed in another's life.

What has happened so many times is that we will say an encouraging word or give advice and then expect the other person to move forward or even ourselves. This may never happen or we may not be a witness to such things. 

Worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth can choke out any seed planted...by us or even by God. 

We do reap what we sow and sometimes what is sown is not the outcome we expected. We must let this expectation of what we believe this life to look like go.

Christmas Season : What was Life-Giving/What was Life-Draining

Writing out what helps us enjoy each season and what drains us has become a reflective practice of mine.

Life-Giving

--> Having a list of gifts needed when Black Friday comes around

--> Having wrapping paper and boxes ready in November

--> Wrapping gifts as they come in the mail - not so overwhelming

--> Reflecting on past family traditions - snow ball fights with my grandparents & now with my kids

--> having the Advent Tree hanging up I bought in a Pottery Barn Kids' After-Christmas Sale 2 years ago

--> placing Lego figures for the boys to put together along with little chocolates in the Advent Calendar Tree pockets

--> putting up lights in the living room and on the Christmas Tree (soft white is my favorite)

-->  

Letting Go Series :: Self-Sabotage

We want the change. We truly do. 

We want to ignore this self that rebels against our new momentum.

6 Masks that Self - Sabotage Wears

6. Staying inside your comfort zone - it keeps you from taking risks and making moves and reaching your potential.

5. Distraction - you focus on the 'extra' and end up exhausting yourself mentally, emotionally and physically so that ultimately you don't have enough of yourself to give towards your new change.

4. Shifting Responsibility - (a.k.a. blame) we shift the responsibility to another person or circumstance and we no longer feel in control, so it makes it easier to settle for less than our best or less than we deserve.

3. Negative self-talk - believe you can and you will; believe you can't and you won't...it's that simple.

2. Procrastination - you'll do it later, or after scrolling through social media or reading the news or cleaning, baking, or going through your house like Marie Kondo...

1. Perfectionism - you wait to do something until you will be perfect at it...you'll either wait forever or never will be satisfied.

Part of my self-sabotage towards health emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically is often with my relationship with food so here is a worthy saying: 

Letting Go Series :: LIES we Tell Ourselves

Letting Go of the Lies we tell ourselves is one of the most difficult Soul-work tasks we will ever embark upon. These are the beliefs hidden within us about our world and how we view people that come out when we are stressed that are just down right wrong or at their core self-loathing or self-seeking.

Our Entitlement to be Right - We often believe we are entitled and deserve to feel our feelings and our attitudes. But what we neglect to realize is that by allowing this anthem to blast between our ears, we allow a cascade of damaging after- thoughts that become behaviors. 

Let Go of the LIES

Think through this and consider all of the things that your LIES are holding you back from (confidence, vulnerability, wisdom, awareness?) What would you do if you were just a little more confident or brave?

What would you do if you saw yourself as strong, powerful and capable?
What would you do if fear and the lies, insecurity and doubt no longer tagged along or appeared?
Would you have a conversation with a stranger?
Would you wear that red or black dress? Would you wear that outrageous yellow sweater or scarf?
Would you tell someone how much their words upset you? or how kind those words were to you?

ON ANOTHER LEVEL...there are lies that we can replace by acknowledging the Truth.

1. THE LIE: God is not really good.

THE TRUTH:

• God is good, and everything He does is good.
• God never makes mistakes.

2. THE LIE: God doesn’t love me.

THE TRUTH:

• God’s love for me is infinite and unconditional.
• I don’t have to perform to earn God’s love or favor.
• God always has my best interests at heart.

3. THE LIE: God is just like my father.

THE TRUTH:

• God is exactly what He has revealed Himself to be in His Word.
• God is infinitely more wise and loving than any earthly father could ever be.

4. THE LIE: God is not really enough.

THE TRUTH:

• God is enough. If I have Him, I have all I need.

5. THE LIE: God’s ways are too restrictive.

THE TRUTH:

• God’s ways are best.
• God’s restrictions are always for my good.
• Resisting or rebelling against God’s ways brings conflict and heartache.

6. THE LIE: God should fix my problems.

THE TRUTH:

• Life is hard.
• God is more concerned about glorifying Himself and changing me than about solving my problems.
• God has an eternal purpose He is fulfilling in the midst of my problems.
• God wants to use my problems as part of His sanctifying process in my life.
• No matter what problem I am facing, God’s grace is sufficient for me.

7. THE LIE: I’m not worth anything.

THE TRUTH:

• My value is not determined by what others think of me or what I think of myself. My value is determined by how God views me.
• To God, my soul is worth more than the price of the whole world.
• If I am a child of God, I am God’s cherished possession and treasure.

8. THE LIE: I need to learn to love myself.

THE TRUTH:

• By faith, I need to receive God’s love for me.
• I already love myself. I need to deny myself and let God love others through me.

9. THE LIE: I can’t help the way I am.

THE TRUTH:

• If I am a child of God, I can choose to obey God.
• I am responsible for my own choices.
• I can be changed through the power of God’s Spirit.

10. THE LIE: I have my rights.

THE TRUTH:

• Claiming rights will put me in bondage.
• Yielding rights will set me free.

11. THE LIE: Physical beauty matters more than inner beauty.

THE TRUTH:

• At best, physical beauty is temporal and fleeting.
• The beauty that matters most to God is that of my inner spirit and character.

12. THE LIE: I should not have to live with unfulfilled longings.

THE TRUTH:

• I will always have unfulfilled longings this side of heaven.
• The deepest longings of my heart cannot be filled by any created person or thing.
• If I will accept them, unfulfilled longings will increase my longing for God and for heaven.

13. THE LIE: I can sin and get away with it.

THE TRUTH:

• The choices I make today will have consequences; I will reap what I sow.
• Sin’s pleasures only last for a season.
• Sin exacts a devastating toll. There are no exceptions.
• If I play with fire, I will get burned. I will not escape the consequences of my sin.

14. THE LIE: My sin isn’t really that bad.

THE TRUTH:

• Every act of sin is an act of rebellion against God.
• No sin is small.

15. THE LIE: God can’t forgive what I have done.

THE TRUTH:

• The blood of Jesus is sufficient to cover any and every sin I have committed.
• There is no sin too great for God to forgive.
• God’s grace is greater than the greatest sin anyone could ever commit.

16. THE LIE: I am not fully responsible for my actions and reactions.

THE TRUTH:

• God does not hold me accountable for the actions of others.
• I am responsible for my own choices.

17. THE LIE: I cannot walk in consistent victory over sin.

THE TRUTH:

• If I am a child of God, I don’t have to sin.
• I am not a slave to sin. Through Christ, I have been set free from sin.
• By God’s grace and through the finished work of Christ on the cross, I can experience victory over sin.

18. THE LIE: I don’t have time to do everything I’m supposed to do.

THE TRUTH:

• There is time in every day to do everything that God wants me to do.

19. THE LIE: I shouldn’t have to suffer.

THE TRUTH:

• It is impossible to be holy apart from suffering. There is a redemptive fruit that cannot be produced in our lives apart from suffering.
• We have been called to suffer.
• True joy is not the absence of pain, but the presence of the Lord Jesus in the midst of the pain.
• Suffering is a pathway to sanctification, a doorway into greater intimacy with God.

20. THE LIE: My circumstances will never change—this will go on forever.

THE TRUTH:

• My suffering may last a long time, but it will not last forever.
• My painful circumstances will not last one moment longer than God knows is necessary to achieve His eternal purposes in and through my life.
• One day, all pain, suffering, and tears will be removed forever.

21. THE LIE: I just can’t take any more.

THE TRUTH:

• Whatever my circumstance, whatever my situation, His grace is sufficient for me.
• God will never place more on me than He will give me grace to bear.

22. THE LIE: It’s all about me.

THE TRUTH:

• God is the beginning and ending and center of all things. All things were created by Him and for Him. It’s all about Him!
• My life is dispensable. I was created for His pleasure and glory.

---

Lies Women Believe (2001) by Nancy Leigh Demoss. Moody Press.

Letting Go Series :: Questions to Ask

How do we learn to live confidently without the material things we’ve convinced ourselves we need? 

How do we live a more intentional and rewarding life? 

How do we learn to reset our priorities? 

How do we transform the way we look at ourselves? 

How do we get what we want out of life?

~ The Minimalists

How would life look if we walk gently into our next right thing with kindness toward others and also ourselves?

How about we pay attention to what brings life and what drains life?

What are we grateful for and what makes up our days? 

What if we pay attention to what we're learning?

What do we hope for?

What are our most important decisions to be made?

~ Adapted from Emily P. Freeman's "A Simple Way to Journal in 2021" Email

                            

Letting Go Series :: STUFF

I wrote this list in 2017.

In the Fall of 2014 I read "7: A Mutiny Against Excess" by Jen Hatmaker and Jesus opened my eyes wide open to my obsession with stuff, documenting life and emotional attachments to things. I longed to be rid of so many of my attachments that were holding me back and keeping me from God's leading. DISTRACTIONS REALLY. In 2015 and 2016 I remember reading about The Minimalists and their perspective on "stuff" and what brings us "value" in this life. It intrigued me and helped motivate me to let go of many possessions. In 2017 I read Marie Kondo's books and then later went through "Soul Simplicity" by Courtney Carver and "The More of Less" by Joshua Becker as well as in 2018 "The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning" by Margareta Magnusson. I had worked to get rid of a lot of stuff I had been holding onto for 20+ years including childhood items. In 2019 we moved and literally, got rid of half of our house (it was a vision of mine to do that and with moving, we finally did it)...but it was very hard. "Our possessions possess us. This is how we let go. If a thing stops adding value, sell it. If it doesn't sell in a week, lower the price. If it doesn't sell in 30 days, donate it. If a donation place doesn't accept, recycle it. If it can't be recycled, trash it (as a last resort). Once we let go, we're able to move on."

More essays, podcasts, and resources at Minimalists.com.

Hope Changes Everything

It is a phrase that helped me through many days walking in grief with families and in uncertainty as parents were not sure if their newborn child would live or die.

It is a phrase that I held so dear and HOPE truly did change the perspective of the day. Good news that came or a kind word would shift the momentum of the grief.

Today I feel this same phenomenon with the signing in of our next President. 
I am not labeled a Democrat nor a Republican. I agree and disagree with many policies on both side and I'm sure I will disagree with many new policies, BUT even if President Biden's words are empty...they sure are unifying and HOPE-FILLED.

It's a welcome tone and a welcome hug honestly. 
I did not realize the heaviness and oppression that I was feeling throughout this past year, not only with the pandemic but with the divisiveness of our nation's leaders.

Each person has dignity and each person is a PERSON, a human living this life and impacting our world.

So HOPE changes everything. 

Right Now :: January 19th, 2021

Right Now:

* Sitting at my kitchen table looking out my backdoor onto the next street and with a slim view of a Kentucky hill

* not exactly knowing what to type but knowing that I must write, something is amiss

* each day I speak less words outloud, at least that is what it feels like - my pups and 12 year old hear my voice the most until my 8 year old and husband arrive home...

* it's the boredom and quiet I longed for during those years and months of working full-time, even working part-time

* "the grass is also greener on the other side" saying seems to ring true even when we know that really it isn't

* we all choose our "hard" and when I chose mental health fields to go into for schooling, I knew that I would choose my trauma (I just didn't realize that someone else's trauma as well as my own would remain in front of me daily)

* since not working outside of the home, I have gone to great lengths to work my mind to where I don't immediately think about the worst case scenario or even assume something is going on that may be detrimental to the person standing in front of me, in fact I have numbed myself so well now, that it is difficult for me to feel because I want any feelings to go off my shoulders

* it seems that PTSD as a professional may have occurred and I wonder if I'll ever recover fully from it

* Unsettled....roaming in my mind, something is amiss and I can't quite nail it down. 

* rebuilding a running base slowly

* working through workouts with Muscle Burns Fat (MBF with Meghan Davies) for now

* holding loosely to friendships

* probably expecting more from myself than I am truly able to give

* listening a lot to Hope*Writers webinars for writing styles and publishing information and in general "why writing is where I want to be right now"

* that about sums it up

 

Singing Praises in the Dark

Singing Praises in the Dark has become a practice of mine over the last year and half.
It's the practice of intentionally singing praises instead of pleading with God when I don't understand His ways or His plans.

It's allowing my voice to come out in a way that continues to choose to believe that He is good and that His ways are good for me.

This practice has helped to shift my mind as I wrestle with Him about my questions and about our family's future. When we praise, we place God in His rightful place and that solves a 1,000 problems (as Oswald Chambers has said). We focus on Him and surrender our right and our entitlement to Him.

It has helped my heart to reopen to new possibilities and to new risks that I would otherwise not be able to honestly handle or even be willing to consider. It has allowed for some new friendships that I would have otherwise shied away from in fear of disappointment and fear of past hurts.

When we praise, we no longer have to control the outcome to our circumstances. We pause and consider how God views us and how He views the situation. We let go of our need to be right and to be in constant control of "how the story ends".

When we praise, we lose track of time and space and this is good for our head space, brain space, soul space and body. I feel a release of tension when praise comes out rather than doubt and fear when I have pleaded with God for answers. 

God reshapes my desires when I praise, because it's no longer about me or what I "think" I want. It is good. He is good.

Beginning a Writing Practice

As September begins to unfold I desire to really being a daily writing practice.

In the past, it has involved bullet points and scribbles or doodles or quotes or ponderings.
God never ceases to amaze me when He has me put pen to paper because it if often messages to Him or what feels like messages FROM Him to me.

They are often gentle and life-giving, rarely as dark as they used to be.
And I realized why, there's hope present with our family.

For a long period of time, we felt a lack of hope, a lack of growth, a lack of support and it all mattered. In this new Fall season (yes I'm calling it Fall) because I'm ready for it as much as I enjoy sunshine and heat.

Hope truly changes everything.
When I worked alongside the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) nurses between 2012-2016 as I filled in and then eventually moved into the full-time role of social worker there. I learned early on that when any sign or conversation included "HOPE" in a baby's situation, everyone involved would have an emotional shift. It changed everything, just knowing that there "might" be a chance for good or better or living or quality.

It's the same in everyday-mundane life.
HOPE changes everything.
The fact that we know based upon science and Biblical Truth that our minds can be renewed, retrained, regenerate particular cells that help us think better, make wiser choices and that inevitably impact everyone else around us for good is beyond AMAZING.

Even the simple belief that we CAN or WILL do something, moves our minds into another gear that leads us into an outcome we desire (not always) but more often than not. We get to CHOOSE and have a CHOICE.

Hope changes everything.
So I will write and keep practicing.

Right Now :: September Edition

* Pumpkin Spice lit candle on my craft desk (a.k.a. writing desk, work space, area of task-mastering).

* wearing an athletic tank top and shorts because the humidity make the 81 degrees seem hotter

* working through a "procrastination" exercise (isn't it ironic don't you think?)

* boys are 7 and 11 and somehow still enjoy Pokemon battles together

* trying to narrow my focus down to 3-5 tasks a day which is still really large

* not sure what I want to do for my birthday (40!) 

* attended a vocal lesson with a friend this morning which was very enlightening (I've never really known how to use my diaphragm in singing)

September

September is always a dreaming month for me as it is my birth month.

I naturally reflect on the last 365 days as well as multiple years of my life.
I view God's faithfulness.
Seek some clarity in the events that unfolded and often find that I simply need to Trust that God's plan is working as He deems good for me.
NEVER STOP GROWING.

So with that...I'm 20 days from another year around this sun...down.

IMPROVE THE MOMENT
IMAGINE the outcome you want from your current situation.
* So where are you? What about your situation would you like to be different? What about your situation is a the same?
* Picture yourself interacting with the (new) world around you.

For me, I'm not quite in the desert nor the promised land...I'm somewhere in between. I'd like more direction in my current situation with family, with profession, with gentleness and radical acceptance towards myself. I'd like to have a more openness to my soul and my mind and landscapes, meaning confidence and motivation to move forward, head outside, take on the world, take on a child, seize the day type of mentality. And part of that includes ME NOT THINKING when I initially wake up because then I OVERTHINK.

I like the current freedom and flexibility of my time in this season as I'm not employed and am able to focus on household work, children's development and if I want-to dream. However, I'm often scattered and not honed into my current present.

MEANING - find meaning in a situation or season.
* Am I learning anything about myself?
* What lessons can I take away from this?
* How will things be different in the future?
* In the grand scheme of things, how much does this really matters?

For me, I'm learning that I do desire a type of structure and need to practice The Five Second Rule 5-4-3-2-1, so that I don't use my time unwisely scrolling or spaghetti-brain chasing my tail.
I am learning that Radical Acceptance of a season is so important to embrace when circumstances or others' responses are truly out of my control and that I can have control over how I think about the season (rather than walking around disappointment, I pick myself back up, sit before God and ask "what next?").
In the future, I will still risk friendship, risk vulnerability and risk authenticity, because it is who I am. I will still share deep learnings and sufferings...I just won't expect people to understand or to respond in an empathetic manner with grace.
In the blimp that is life, a season of disappointment will become very small in the rearview mirror as long as we/I move forward.

PRAY/PRACTICE - connecting with God and doing anything with a sense of purpose for His glory 

RELAX - there is no quick fix, meditate or do a body scan and observe your body

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT - in times of trouble your mind tends to run in the past or the future, so bring yourself back to the present moment with a GROUNDING practice.
* sitting on the ground * going outside and planting your feet in the grass * closing your eyes and visualizing your breath traveling in and out as you breathe * moving your hands through water or sand * pick a flower and smell it * cover the crown of your head * Hum a song * stand up and press your feet into the ground * take a cold or hot shower or bath * sit criss-cross applesauce with your palms up open in surrender

VACATION - staycation, daydream, don't run away from your problems - rather take a break.
* phone a friend * listen to your favorite song * go outside * do a yoga pose * take yourself out of the situation

ENCOURAGEMENT - pretend you are talking to a friend and imagine what you would say to your friend to encourage them.

 "Kara, you are exactly where you need to be and you are learning to persevere daily to work through your own mess so that you can then help others. It begins with depending on God, leaning towards Him and inviting Him in. You can't see the whole picture, you can't understand it all, only He can. If you want to a beautiful soul then you must go through the struggle and you will come out on the other side...again and again. You are a work-in-progress until Heaven."

August 2020 :: 2 years since we opened up...1 full year since we moved.

 It seems impossible that I haven't written here since last year in October.

At the same time between moving, reorienting, housing renting then buying, then holidays then narrowly almost losing my mother to septic shock, then COVID-19 quarantine and summer...so much has transpired.

It felt eerie from March - June with the global shut-down. It was a familiar feeling to us as a family. 
See we lost our community, our church family, our reasons for staying in Ohio beginning September 2018 until we moved to Northern KY in August 2019. 

It was almost a full year without deep friendships, laughter around tables, discussions about life and growth. It was SURVIVAL.

We only had each other, the boys, our dog, our cat, each other. 
The world was experiencing what we had essentially experienced just months before. 
We'd only go through drive throughs because if felt too painful to encounter old/former friends who abandoned (our view) us or to encounter a person who had no clue what we were enduring with the separation from the church that was never our intention nor our choice. 

Churches as families are representations of God's son Jesus Christ's relationship with his bride. The gospel speaks of undeserved grace and of repentance. Reconciliation is at the heart of God's plan.
A Church is like an ER for the soul-hurting heart and shows God to those brokenhearted and in need of grace. But "when the grace runs out..." human decision-making can be tainted. 

I digress, there is so much more to this story but that's not the point of this post.

It's been 2 years since I shared my struggle and my son's struggle with depression to our small group at the time (near friends we considered family) and that Mark shared his dark place too........we never received the chance to follow-up with those former friends to tell them what a weight was lifted during that evening discussion of sharing (we experienced the day and week after)....since our confidence was betrayed and they didn't know how to walk alongside us and spoke about it to others.

Secret meetings, misunderstanding, leaving my voice out of discussions. It was 2 years ago that our world began to flip around and 20 more days until we were abandoned to go "heal" separate from those who had previously supported us. LESSON LEARNED: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN A FRIEND REACHES OUT IN PAIN...DO SOMETHING. The phrase "I'll pray for you" became a curse phrase to us...DO SOMETHING. Bring a meal, sit and listen, send a text or make a call.

DON'T ASSUME.
The pain still hurts but I do see now...God's hand, provision and his protection.

Raw Thoughts Right Now...October...

I feel like nothing without producing...
It's a sad reality that after working outside the home and commuting that I always felt "on" and ever since then...I have struggled with feeling that need to be productive because "time is money".

I realize there are a lot of mental strongholds in my mind that have been built up over time and that I need to re-examine how I think. I have blasted our culture for it's "rush" and "hustle" mentality which strips our kids of their childhoods and forces families to choose between a sport or family time or church or a sport, or healthy rhythms and productive: money-making avenues.

Maybe I just need to ramble. I feel like this wilderness of 2018 and 2019 has situated me as a wanderer and seeking all kinds of idols and "methods" for relief while feeling confused, disappointed and angry about our life routine and departure from Ohio (where I Thought we'd spend much time while our boys went through school; where I Thought we had found and formed genuine community and where people would reach out and help those struggling...that's not what I discovered...and where I Thought I would blossom and become more of who God desired me to be...but I didn't, I became a hermit and recluse, anxious and overwhelmed, hating life, hating myself and struggling as a mother, a wife, a woman, a daughter of God).

I don't like writing and typing much right now because what comes out of me are words and phrases that I don't want to describe me. THIS is not me...the anxious one took over my world and rocked all the securities that I used to rely on and felt comfortable by and the craziest thing is that I wanted her to do that...I didn't want to be too comfortable or complacent but she has gone too far the other way and I'm propensity to 'give up' skyrocketed during all the disappointments.

We are here in a new city, new surroundings, new people, new church, new families, new school, new rhythms, new bugs, new challenges and new outlooks but the haze is still present. I want the haze to go away and permanently leave me alone...alone but that's not how it works. The darkness actually shows more of the Light I want to move toward which is good, but that shadows also loom. It's an odd feeling to intentionally choose Joy each day and seek Hope and yet still "feel" outside of yourself. I know I'm still not "me". But I'm not okay yet still on my way.

September Happened

September was our "trying to settle into a routine" month. For the most part we accomplished that part. I began a Beachbody Program called 100 Day Morning Meltdown and have stuck to the workouts in the mornings (mostly with my friend Carrie).

School helps the routine a little and then I was also volunteering 3 hours for 3 days a week at the boys' after-school program. It was quite stressful to be honest to be around all of the noise and chaos but after 4 weeks I have come to know most of the kids and have relationships with some of them. Probably the most intriguing part about participating in this program is seeing how my boys react to their peers' behavior. I found that my boys even when they didn't know I was present, would make good choices. My youngest struggled more than I thought he would and my oldest was more of a leader. Of course being a 5th grader and one of the oldest kids helps.

We at times were feverishly looking for a house to buy and had thought about buying one AS IS through auction because it was in the neighborhood we wanted. However, after further deliberation opted to pursue a regular house through the traditional method (real estate agent). And on Sept 30th we did put an offer on a house which is mostly updated and ready to move into.

Most of the month of September was good as I reflect. I still have struggled with the feelings of loss and sadness even with experiencing get-togethers with new friends. It's like I wish someone could read my mind and know what I need. I turned 39 and my youngest turned 7 without much fan-fair. My husband arranged a girls-night out which was wonderful and much needed. We swam for my 7 year old's birthday because of course the weather was in the 90's at the end of September (what?!!)

September was also a lot of rearranging in the rental house and trying to declutter. But I'm still struggling with the move and I guess that is to be expected as we move forward.