What is a Good Life?

In asking this question, various responses come across my lips.
Is it a life where I get everything I want?
Is it a life where there is no pain?
Is it a life that provides for the needs of others?
Is it a life that the world deems as good because something was done?
Is it a life glistening with sparkles and glitz and glamour?
What is a Good Life?
Is it a life that produces a cure for a disease?
Is it a life that propels us into living "our best life now"?
Is it a life where you have received love from others?
Is it a life where there is no rain or storms?
Is it a life that seeks only the good of others but at the expense of the person living it?
Is it a life where smiling is the hallmark sign of living?
Is it a life where food, shelter and clothing are present?
What is a Good Life?
Is it a life where one reads on a beach, sipping a cold drink?
Is it a life carpooling kids from one activity to the next with occasional rest?
Is it a life laying on the ground watching the stars in the night and the birds in the sky during the day?
Is it a life surrounded by peace and tranquility?
Is it a life with yearnings and longings?
Is it a life that dreams?
Is it a life that burns the midnight oil working towards a goal?
Again what is a Good Life?
Is it a life that leaves a legacy?
Is it a life that outlives you?
Is it a life that may be hidden between book covers ready for the next person to read?
Is it a life of service or striving?
Is it a life worth living? Yes, yes it is.

But is a good life...a God life? Meaning, if you get all you want or long for and yet God was never in it, the very Creator who brought you to life, then is it really good?
If you live a life of service to your fellow human beings, yet never take the time to connect to the Being who has all the answers and who comforts beyond reasoning, then is it really good? I can see that it could be good, but it is still missing the essential-God.

September

September is always a dreaming month for me as it is my birth month.

I naturally reflect on the last 365 days as well as multiple years of my life.
I view God's faithfulness.
Seek some clarity in the events that unfolded and often find that I simply need to Trust that God's plan is working as He deems good for me.
NEVER STOP GROWING.

So with that...I'm 20 days from another year around this sun...down.

IMPROVE THE MOMENT
IMAGINE the outcome you want from your current situation.
* So where are you? What about your situation would you like to be different? What about your situation is a the same?
* Picture yourself interacting with the (new) world around you.

For me, I'm not quite in the desert nor the promised land...I'm somewhere in between. I'd like more direction in my current situation with family, with profession, with gentleness and radical acceptance towards myself. I'd like to have a more openness to my soul and my mind and landscapes, meaning confidence and motivation to move forward, head outside, take on the world, take on a child, seize the day type of mentality. And part of that includes ME NOT THINKING when I initially wake up because then I OVERTHINK.

I like the current freedom and flexibility of my time in this season as I'm not employed and am able to focus on household work, children's development and if I want-to dream. However, I'm often scattered and not honed into my current present.

MEANING - find meaning in a situation or season.
* Am I learning anything about myself?
* What lessons can I take away from this?
* How will things be different in the future?
* In the grand scheme of things, how much does this really matters?

For me, I'm learning that I do desire a type of structure and need to practice The Five Second Rule 5-4-3-2-1, so that I don't use my time unwisely scrolling or spaghetti-brain chasing my tail.
I am learning that Radical Acceptance of a season is so important to embrace when circumstances or others' responses are truly out of my control and that I can have control over how I think about the season (rather than walking around disappointment, I pick myself back up, sit before God and ask "what next?").
In the future, I will still risk friendship, risk vulnerability and risk authenticity, because it is who I am. I will still share deep learnings and sufferings...I just won't expect people to understand or to respond in an empathetic manner with grace.
In the blimp that is life, a season of disappointment will become very small in the rearview mirror as long as we/I move forward.

PRAY/PRACTICE - connecting with God and doing anything with a sense of purpose for His glory 

RELAX - there is no quick fix, meditate or do a body scan and observe your body

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT - in times of trouble your mind tends to run in the past or the future, so bring yourself back to the present moment with a GROUNDING practice.
* sitting on the ground * going outside and planting your feet in the grass * closing your eyes and visualizing your breath traveling in and out as you breathe * moving your hands through water or sand * pick a flower and smell it * cover the crown of your head * Hum a song * stand up and press your feet into the ground * take a cold or hot shower or bath * sit criss-cross applesauce with your palms up open in surrender

VACATION - staycation, daydream, don't run away from your problems - rather take a break.
* phone a friend * listen to your favorite song * go outside * do a yoga pose * take yourself out of the situation

ENCOURAGEMENT - pretend you are talking to a friend and imagine what you would say to your friend to encourage them.

 "Kara, you are exactly where you need to be and you are learning to persevere daily to work through your own mess so that you can then help others. It begins with depending on God, leaning towards Him and inviting Him in. You can't see the whole picture, you can't understand it all, only He can. If you want to a beautiful soul then you must go through the struggle and you will come out on the other side...again and again. You are a work-in-progress until Heaven."

How to Write Your Faith Journey :: Part Two :: My Path to Art

In looking at my faith journey early on, it makes sense that I would pursue Social Work out of a righteous pursuit for justice for the marginalized or poor population and to seek to extend mercy to others. My faith fueled my desire to help others who weren't understood, especially since I rarely felt misunderstood as an adolescence. Goodness, I still feel misunderstood even now.

I don't like placing people into boxes, diagnoses and labels; even if there is some benefits to this method due to research and evidence-based practice. Sometimes many people can be helped with one method but often many others fall through the cracks because we created this box for them. So for me, I pursued this profession rather than art, because I felt my faith wanted to see concrete outcomes in healing (i.e. witness transformations).

Social Work led me into reliable income and provided an identity as healer. I wanted to be who I needed most when I was younger essentially. This sounds all-well and good and was meant for good. But I believe that I might have missed out on the "great" by pursuing conventional means to see concrete outcomes.

It took burnout in my NICU Social Work role and complex family life to FINALLY reconnect me fully with the art that had fed my soul in childhood. I went through the Chazown process (pursuing my life purpose and mission) through Lifechurch.tv and was able to create a mission statement that really spoke with my desire to help women and to allow myself to be vulnerable. I felt so boxed up at the hospital that when I came home and painted, often with Kelly Rae Roberts via her online courses, that I felt freer and more able to process through the trauma of the day.

Through this process, art was my therapy and a way to heal myself and recover from burnout. As Julia Cameron says in The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, I had been living as a shadow artist, "someone who loves art, did art as a child and is surrounded by artists, but is not creating art." As I painted I would give close friends and then later coworkers specific paintings that I had in mind for them. Their reactions helped to fuel my confidence as I painted more and created life-giving messages out of my mess.

Although I am more paralyzed these days than I was initially, the spark still remains and on given days I can be found swaying in my studio in deep thought and chasing squirrels out of my head as I use my hands to create with paint.

This photo painting inspires me today.

How to Write your Faith Journey :: Part One

In a Healing Arts course I'm self-pacing myself through, I am at the time point where I am writing down my spiritual journey or as I like to call it my "Faith Journey".

I figured I'd bring you along for the ride.
It starts with questions so this is just Part One.

Think about your Spiritual DNA :: what traditions religious or not did you grow up with? Were you ever introduced to a faith? Faith being the assurance of what we hope for and what we cannot yet see...
* faith in Jesus Christ as your Savior, dying on a cross in crucifixion so that you can receive grace for your sins (debts against God)?
* faith in a humanity that all people are good?
* faith in a prophet or a person? or an inner strength?
* faith that there is or is not a Higher Power?

My Spiritual DNA includes ancestors in the Reformation Movement and denomination of The Church of the Brethren. My maternal grandparents and their parents and their parents' parents were very devout. My paternal side had Christian beliefs yet did not have involvement as much in their local church.

Today the descendants of the 16th century European movement (particularly the Baptists, Amish, Hutterites, Mennonites, Church of the Brethren, and Brethren in Christ) are the most common bodies referred to as Anabaptist. Early history of the Brethren began in 1708 when a group of eight Christians organized themselves under the leadership of Alexander Mack (1679–1735) into a church and baptized one another in Schwarzenau, Germany, now part of Bad Berleburg in North Rhine-Westphalia. Hence, the Brethren Church that I eventually attended from 5 years of age to adulthood is one of several groups that traces its origins back to the Schwarzenau Brethren of Germany.

The reform issue precipitated a three-way split among the Brethren in the early 1880s. The beliefs and practices of the Brethren churches are reflective of their early influences. They accept no creed but the teaching of the New Testament and stress obedience to Jesus Christ and a simple way of life. In fact, I grew up near a church camp called "Camp Mack". 

Of course I didn't know all of this when I was growing up. I simply knew and was taught that the Bible is the God's Living Word. And I believed it and still do.
"What is the living Word? What does it mean that the Bible is the living Word of God?"

Answer: According to Hebrews 4:12, “the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” The “word of God” here is the written or spoken Word, not the Logos of John 1. The ESV says that the Bible is “living” and active.

The description of the Bible as “living” means that it has a vital power inherent to itself. The written Word of God accomplishes God’s purposes (Isaiah 55:11); the preaching of the Holy Scriptures brings about God’s desired effects. The Bible is unlike other books, whatever emotional or social effects they may produce, in that it brings about lasting, supernatural change within a person. “Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ” (Romans 10:17).

Jesus likened the Word of God to seed in His parable of the sower (Matthew 13:1–23). Seed, like the Bible, is not dead, but living, and it has the ability to bring forth more life abundantly. Seeds produce a crop (verse 23).

The Bible, as the living Word of God, is not inert or powerless, as seen in the actions attributed to the Word in the rest of Hebrews 4:12: the Bible “penetrates” deep within us and “judges” our hearts and motivations. It is “active,” not passive. The Bible is resisted or ignored to our own peril (Hebrews 2:1–3).

We see the living Word of God in action in the pages of the Bible. On the Day of Pentecost, Peter preached the Word of God, and his audience “were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, ‘Brothers, what shall we do?’” (Acts 2:37). Three thousand people were saved that day (verse 41). Later, as the apostles continued to preach, the number in the church grew to five thousand, because “many of those who had heard the word believed” (Acts 4:4, ESV). God’s Word, living and active, does not return to Him void.

The Bible is the living Word of God because it is the message given to us from the “living God” (Hebrews 3:12). The God who is alive works in this world through His living Word in conjunction with the Holy Spirit (see Ephesians 6:17). Jesus spoke of the life-giving property of His words: “The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life” (John 6:63). The word of our Lord is efficacious for our salvation and sanctification (Acts 13:48; John 17:17).

Other indications that the Word of God is alive include the facts that it sustains man (Luke 4:4), it brings faith (Romans 10:17), it has freedom to accomplish God’s will (2 Timothy 2:9), it can be maligned (Titus 2:5), it gives spiritual birth (1 Peter 1:23), and it abides within believers (1 John 2:14).

We see the living Word of God in action every time a sinner repents and turns to Christ for eternal life. The believer’s changed life bears testimony to the living, active power of the Bible. Commentator Matthew Henry wrote of the Bible that it “convinces powerfully, converts powerfully, and comforts powerfully. It makes a soul that has long been proud, to be humble; and a perverse spirit, to be meek and obedient. Sinful habits, that have become as it were natural to the soul, and rooted deeply in it, are separated and cut off by this sword. It will discover to men their thoughts and purposes, the vileness of many, the bad principles they are moved by, the sinful ends they act to” (Concise Commentary on the Whole Bible, Hebrews 4:11–16).

The living Word is active in the lives of those who receive it. According to the psalmist, the person who meditates on and delights in the Word will be “like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither” (Psalm 1:2–3). The Scriptures today are often downplayed in favor of man made philosophies, personal experiences, or a “new” word from God. But the Bible cannot be ignored as if it were dead or obsolete. The Word of God is still powerful and very much alive. “We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts” (2 Peter 1:19).

My Memory: I remember sitting with my dog, Tippy in the back yard and telling him at the age of 5-6 about Jesus' love and the gospel message that Jesus died and came back to life as a sacrifice to atone (make-up) for my sins. He was the best listener as a collie/beagle mix.

So were there any Scriptures or text that your family considered Sacred? Were you Catholic? Were you brought up to respect the Koran?

I grew up with prayer before almost every meal and sometimes at night before bed. Occasionally we would do devotions. I would go to classes at the church, attend Vacation Bible School and eat fellowship meals then play in the gym. My mother would play the piano and sing hymns. I also learned to sing along with her and to develop some skill on the piano (some is a very loose term). I enjoyed church for the craft activities and the continually learning of how this man was born as a baby (Christmas!) and then had a ministry with his rag-tag group of friends (disciples) going throughout the country side speaking of God's love and doing miracles also became hated and was killed. He rose from the dead, "how cool is that?" I remember Palm Sundays holding Palms and waving them to imitate Jesus' entrance into Jerusalem before Passover.

We sang songs (I loved singing) and coloring Bible pages. It was just something that I did and didn't think much of it until middle school when my worldview was challenged and trauma entered my life.

At that time, I realized that my faith...really wasn't mine. It was my parents' views and I had a decision to make as to whether this would be my own beliefs or not. I couldn't shake the faith in Christ or God-existence piece. I felt a presence of peace and calm even when I was in devastating-to-me circumstances. I read on Biblical topics of love, acceptance, no favoritism, sexual purity, compassion, kind words, heaven and hell and how to live through struggle. As I read more about suffering that's when some seeds were planted for my own faith; yet, I did not understand why people particularly in the church didn't have any helpful dialogue about issues of the day (i.e. sex and young people living together, LGB subjects , corruption and lying in business, family abuse, pornography, divorce, rape). There was discussion about 'right and wrong' and 'black and white' but that was it. No compassion or attempt of understanding for what these subjects meant for anyone suffering in silence. 

Through a friend I was exposed to differing worldviews and ultimately groomed to view this person as an idol. This person was older and "so much more mature and wise". Now I look back and realize they were definitely abused somehow, part of a dysfunctional family living through the experience of divorce and having no faith background. 

I can see why I began to crave answers to my new questions and new emotions that adolescence and of course puberty brought up. You may ask, where were your parents?

They were right next to me...concerned. VERY concerned and could see the change in me. But during this time I read and wrote and read more Biblically than I had before and now I realize...through pain, rejection and suffering...that is when MY Faith was beginning to come alive.

Overwhelming Growth & Change

Change often comes when we don't want it, but we know that "something" has to give.
Something in our life is just not meshing with the other areas in our life and we want change, we may even crave change, BUT deep down, we want more than anything to stay comfortable.

We want this change to come in the form of better things, things like unexpected blessings (insert whatever things you consider "good"). But change can be subtle or immediate.

We find our family in an immediate change. An immediately different rhythm and although at first I did not welcome it nor fully understand the details of it, I choose to embrace it.

"Sometimes when our routine changes, God speaks into our non-routine more clearly."(Mark Batterson, Circle Maker).

I chose to read (audiobook) Circle Maker on Day 1 of our immediate change. I chose to sit and to pray and to think and to surrender. I found a previous canvas I wrote on and was dumbfounded that the words that had been written at least 8 months ago applied to me right in that THAT MOMENT.

"Woah" is all I can say. God doesn't waste past experiences...He uses them to continue to prepare us for His work AS WE ALLOW HIM.

There are nuggets that I'm learning through shifting routine and through some fasting that I dare say, I could NOT have learned otherwise. Stopping obligations, responsibilities (within reason) and expectations all-together allows space not only physically, but in all other areas.

There no "hurry", only necessarily life stress with boys (which has been enough this past year-mind you). How caregivers care for themselves makes ALL the difference. And as much as I have tried to care for myself over this past year, I found that I had fallen into certain habits that did not serve the Kara I desire to become.

We all have pet 'vices' and even 'sins' but it's easy to rationalize them away as our personality or our "lot in life". There are times I allow my own labeling of myself dictate if I can or cannot accomplish something. And that is BOLOGNA!

I know anyone reading this at some point might say "must be nice" to be rid of obligations, responsibilities or expectations from something...well yes and no. These things provide some structure, pieces of our identity unfortunately, and connection with community. When those aren't present, we are forced to see gaps in our lives. We are forced to see what we don't like about life even more and what we do like. It really is an opportunity.

So embrace the change, whether you want it or not. You cannot NOT change anyway. That is Life.

God's Mysterious Ways

A friend wrote to me: "I just realized how your coaching is a different, creative implementation of your training and background."

God sure has His Mysterious ways :: Master's in Social Work/Marriage & Family Therapy :: Runner History :: Artist Leaning I know my purpose...DO YOU?

I'm here for allowing myself to be vulnerable for God's glory through equipping and guiding others toward personal/relational growth, work/life balance and significance in Christ through utilizing CREATIVE methods - my purpose statement developed in Fall of 2013. Little did I know, it would turn into this...coaching and painting. I have taken the month of June off from painting to refocus on coaching and I am continually amazed to realize again & AGAIN how we live in SEASONS. Last year, I simply wanted to pursue a more purposeful crosstraining regime, lose a pant size that I had gained, FEEL better about myself...and cover the cost of my challenge pack with the 21 day Fix and Shakeology that I had put on a debit card.

That's it. I knew I wanted to help others in a more tangible way rather than in pursuing therapy with others. I knew that helping my muscles grow in different ways would help me to step out of my comfort zone too. I had and continue to have BIGGER dreams of helping to provide for my family and took the leap to stay home with my kids. I wanted results for myself and to help 3 people so I could cover the cost. Little did I know that a year later, I would have walked along so many people in their journeys towards health. I want to lead a strong team of MADE FOR MORE men and women, who are also on this health/fitness journey with me. TOGETHER. It takes working through the same programs and movement routines that have helped us get results, too. Now coaching isn't always glamorous. It's just doing little things every day that brings results...both personally and professionally if you want more out of it.

Are you looking for a way to get in GREAT shape? Do you want to help other people do the same? Do you simply need a way to cover the cost to get started? I will help you do all of those things.

The thing is, you are NEVER ALONE. My JOB is to help YOU be successful, too! This is why I am part of a TEAM that offers FREE sneak peeks into the business and FREE new coach training classes after you enroll. I want to give you all the tools you need for success! Are you ready to kick fear aside and start working on YOUR dreams for a change?

Here is the group created for the Coach Sneak Peeks and part of the Hope Nation team I am apart of: https://www.facebook.com/groups/517719598425818/ - you can watch the videos from previous sneak peeks and be updated on new ones.

STRUGGLE to PERSISTENCE to FREEDOM

Read this post while listening to: 3055 by Olafur Arnalds on Made In Iceland 1 (thank you Pandora) because that is what I'm listening to as I write.

Why? because this is raw and cool and real. If I would have told myself even 2 years ago or a year ago that I would be where I am at in life I would have laughed and said, "well, that's nice but I don't understand how all of that is going to happen! So I'll just keep running because that is what I know how to do."

Jump to November 7, 2015 and running my fastest marathon 3:53 which was pretty cool and took a lot of heart and training and an entire focus on God's mission in my life. Scripture listening, crazy mileage training and I finished it under my goal time. I didn't believe but others did and told me. I didn't believe but God did and He knew. He was preparing me to begin to believe other bigger things. Like that I could be the mother to my boys I had hoped to be and not so distracted or chasing after professional endeavors with my passion. That I could be passionate about them while not losing my own dreams.

I toned up a little while running all those miles but still continued to struggle to keep my appetite and cravings in check. Fast forward to June 1, 2016. After realizing that God was asking me to do something I clearly had a hesitance towards: I decided to BELIEVE HIM and not care so much about the perceptions of others.

He has called me to focus on physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. I just needed additional tools. He has used a partnership with Beachbody (fitness programs, nutrition and accountability) and drinking a superfood shake to alter my perception of myself and of portion control. He has removed 10 lbs from my body of STRUGGLE through obedience and given me confidence in CHOICE over my cravings and helped to take some of them away. He helped me pursue PERSISTENCE and not perfection. AND THE MOST FANTASTIC PART OF THIS...He prepared me to HELP others through my own struggle. It's not about the money and selling, it's not about the #'s but it is about heart and it is about releasing strongholds. This is not something I take lightly.

So yes I may invite you to something but that is only because I feel LED and because there is something in you that made me think "yes, I'd love for them to realize a dream and to believe they can do it with God's help." It's about FREEDOM.

I truly am seeking my tribe - those that have struggled and want to stop surviving and THRIVE. I care not only about you physically (let's get healthy), BUT ALSO emotionally (let's smash depression/anxiety), mentally (let's squash negative scripts we tell ourselves) and spiritually (let's hold fast to the faith that God is working for our good and we desire Him). #madeformore #graceanddetermination I think I need another page to express gratitude for this journey. I will fall AND I will get back up. #getreadyforchallengegroupswithmeat!!! If you are triggered by this post then that means God may be stirring something in you to face a fear. We are skeptical because we are UNCERTAIN. I'm finding my Beautiful and I LIKE MY BEAUTIFUL. Be Blessed.

Transition :: Change, it's what's for Dinner

IT'S BEEN 8 WEEKS! –I transitioned to part-time about 8 weeks ago and it's been very good, HARD, yet very good. Any change in life is hard and full of uncertainties and I'm still navigating these uncertainties. But the even little-bit-more space in my head to create and think about doing something other than exercise, work, food, wash, homework, bed-time AND repeat has been very healthy. God has shown me weaknesses I've known that I have had but haven't had to exactly face yet and now He has me ready to face them. He has me ready to move forward and to trust and to BELIEVE that He is good and HE IS ABLE.  –It's no secret that I struggle with depression and this past year's burn-out moved me deceptively into a functional-yet-paralyzing depression; whereby, it was hard to concentrate, focus on one thing at a time, my thoughts raced, my anxiety over the littlest things was hightened and my overall sense of well-being was depleted. I LOVE what I get to do at the hospital (Perinatal ICU & Neonatal ICU Social Worker) and the sacred moments I encounter daily; however, I was no longer able to give of myself to my loved ones outside of work. I still believe that this work is what I am called to do BUT I know there is so much MORE He has in store for me. I know that painting is suppose to blossom into helping others and guiding them through hard times. I know that running and fitness in my life is to take on a life of its own to help others to move forward. I know that this life is NOT my own. –I am learning that what I am learning right now is preparing me for next steps and I need to share this. MY MESS IS MY MESSAGE. I struggle like everyone else does; yet I want to strive and overcome and trust and persevere. Darkness has a purpose in my life and His light is suppose to come out of it and not for my glory but for God's. I wish so many of my friends could understand this but they continue to chase meaningless things. I don't want to chase meaningless things. A LITTLE OF WHAT’S HAPPENING... –So many springtime colors around here!! Birds hatching and their mothers feeding them in their nests, in our yard! –Enjoying the sunshine - I don't ever want to take that for granted. –Beginning the process of dreaming about Redecorating and repurposing and re-falling-in-love with my home... –The boys are growing, growing, growing. My patience has increased with not being so rushed all the time. And I'm slower to anger (check with me tomorrow to see if this still stands *wink*). –Being able to do more things so that Mark doesn't have to carry almost the entire load like he was before. Watching him begin to pursue some new things for himself –Pursuing self-development again and recalibrating goals –ABOUT TO JUMP OFF THE ADOPTION CLIFF!!!! Ah our electronic Profile is ready, we have Profile books sent to the Adoption Agency to submit to birthmothers when we choose AND this is crazy talk people!!

Monumental Marathon: #5

I haven't written in a while and I have SSOOOOOOO much to write about!!

I had been thinking about running another FULL marathon this year simply because I've been really consistent and have a great base from this past year. I had been getting my best times while simply enjoying the running during the week on a flexible time-frame while working full-time and little kids at home and my awesome husband.

The Monumental Marathon in Indy has just stuck on my radar for awhile but simply because I ran the half two years ago and enjoyed it. At that time I was just trying to stay motivate to run at all and just signed up to do it. So much has changed since then both mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

My last full marathon was St. Louis in 2011 where I became so dehydrated from the hot day that I ended up in the ER on the way home; thus, I have a race shirt now that is worth $3,000 and you better believe I still wear it now!!!

So I've sat with this desire to do another one just not knowing when and where. I'd had thought I'd do a BIG one like in DC or in New York but in the end I'd rather spend more time with my family and less money on a race (especially with running so many halves this past year).

But what I don't want to happen to me while I train is to be overcome with expectations and what I want to remember is:

* it's ok to be flexible...modify the training schedule and it-will-be-ok
* don't make this journey as idol - your family is more important than the miles
* do persevere through the hard weeks when you don't want to get up - it will be worth it
* do ask friends to ride their bike while you run a long run
* do ask for prayer, it's not just a physical challenge but a spiritual one as well
* keep consistent with your sleep times
* utilize your run time as prayer time for others and for listening to Scripture
* think of others, think of others, think of others

It's way too easy to get consumed with training and to focus on yourself and whether training is going well or not. It's too easy to feel overwhelmed and let fear set in. Be brave and be bold.

The Goal: Sub-4:00 hour marathon = 9:09 pace over 26.2 miles.

The Drive: Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual health - gaining wisdom + distraction from adoption wait.

The Hope: become more like who God desires for me to be & help others along the way; have my sons seem me accomplish this goal - be more prepared to tackle other big goals set before me
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Next posts to reflect my readings and articles regarding marathon.

A Great Reminder...

In this world will be many troubles....but...

“One day… God will make everything right.” - @LysaTerKeurst pic.twitter.com/Ln8CloDwm7
— Proverbs 31 (@Proverbs31org) January 27, 2015

My Study Process :: Passing the LISW Exam

I was grateful that going into studying for the test I already knew the therapy theories especially family therapies really well from my background in taking the Marriage and Family Therapy national exam 5 years ago when I thought I was going to fully pursue Marriage and Family Therapy.

Studying in 2 weeks is a pretty big task though and I knew that it was (not to mention full-time job, wife, mother, runner). Per my coworker Mercedes she scheduled the test and then just did it. Once you get into the study portion and look at the ASWB study guide it is not nearly as intimidating as it initially seems.

ASWB Practice Test - $85 and yes it was worth it - a couple of these questions were on the exam

Pinterest: allowingmyself - my board "To Study for the LISW Exam"

Filled out my responses to the ASWB Clinical Exam Content utilizing:
- Beating the Social Work Exam - best blog - "KSA of the Day" was most helpful
- The Social Work Exam - general information - easy to find
- LCSW Study Buddy - good info on how to pass
- Free Practice Tests
- Therapist Development Center - good sample questions
- Social Work Scrapbook - a down-right cool blog
- Suicide Warning Signs
- About Childhood Trauma
- Diagnostic Information - disorders & medications
- Helpful website - oppositional defiant disorder & conduct disorder

- Addictions

- Perpetrators Information - Physical/Emotional/Sexual Abuse, Neglect

- Child Neglect
- Couples Therapy - a good article

Didn't really use but found them interesting:
- Audio Clips of Theories
- SW Dictionary Flash cards
- More Flash cards
- Social Work Podcast

READING THE SW CODE OF ETHICS

Reading Wikipedia for DSM diagnoses - Bipolar I & II; Schizophrenia Types; Major Depression; Dsthymia; Cyclothymia; Paraphilic disorders 

A Friend's Flashcards - helped when I saw "I AM GOING TO BEAT THIS TEST" - it's amazing how one can psych herself out...so don't...don't psych yourself out.

Reviewing 6 months - Hello Soul, Hello Mantras e-course - NICU Social Worker

Divine timing is all I can say...

As I go back through the e-course "Hello Soul, Hello Mantras" from Kelly Rae Roberts, I am struck by how God has used this growth to propel me to where He wants me to be.

The journey began in February of this year where I was burning out...running little, feeling heavy (in all aspects) and faultering much. I knew I was throwing myself (or rather allowing myself 'no pun intended since this blog is called the same') to run ragged, to not care for myself, to say yes too often to a high-energy job that was sucking the life out of me.

My profession is medical social work but oddly enough my background is in marriage and family therapy (my roots) so the two professions work well together but fight for my theoretical stance. I've been following Kelly's work for at least 4 years and notably became more intrigued after the birth of her son True (especially since I'd had my first child just a year or so before and struggled with the balance of motherhood with my identity.

Thus, Kelly's story is eerily similar to mine especially since I chose other endeavors over art in high school. But moving this story on...

February - the pace of life had to stop (it couldn't) but my self-care, my care for my family and my sanity had to shift. Thus, the e-course was presented...I thought "no way, I can't or don't have time..." and then it hit me. "I can't afford not to do this, this looks awesome". So I jumped.

It was absolutely lovely going through Part One, that's my wheel-house. I LOVE becoming still, quieting and contemplating about life, my identity, reframing, utilizing therapeutic methods and concepts to shift perspective and inviting God into my world. (I laugh at this last part...WOW has He showed me so much about how I 'invite' Him in - he created the whole world ya know, it's more like inviting me in).

Part One - a breeze, shifted my view of work and life balance. Brought me back to my love for all things contemplative and intentional. Part Two however, rendered so much anxiety to even START!! A perfectionism that I thought had been subdued came out flaming. I'd get stuck quick and for long periods of time.

I'd start to do the basic techniques and would do A LOT of canvases but it took me forever to initiate that next step and that next video. I kept thinking, "I'm going to miss something, I'm going to forget." "I paid money for this, I want to document it, I want to REMEMBER."

My thought now, "oh how sad that i put so much pressure on myself and didn't just whole-heartedly trust that I'd learn what I'd need."

Remaining unattached and revisiting my 5-11 year old self while painting was probably the most healing thing I could do for myself at that time. It creating a new learning curve for "letting go" that I hadn't experienced in the a long time. To give yourself permission just to enjoy and "see what happens", "remain curious" and not even entertaining doubt was so freeing. I remember thinking upon these concepts while in grad school while learning to facilitate conversations in therapy. You'd ask curious questions, not for the sake of diagnosing but simply about of curiousity towards better understanding.
Through this time period, I allowed myself to run again and was consistent with a "base" so I could pick up and run half marathons at any given time. From April to now, I've done 3 "just for fun" and each time I PR'd (ran my best times)-1:51! WOW! I've been running over 9 years now with marathons and halves. This kind of fun and pacing hasn't happened until now.

The Themes that came out of part Two were priceless...including "Nothing wasted, all is present" as you'd cover one layer after another.

This applied to my life - in that I had been really struggling with whether to keep on moving towards my Marriage Family Therapist license for some time or to simply 'let it go' knowing that my Social Work license was equally rewarding and purposeful. I had a hard time of letting go and did it a month before starting this class. But essentially I was doing it while painting and it began to bleed into my real life scenario more and more. Knowing that NOTHING WAS WASTED, that the education and training I had received was very much still part of me and still important to me but that another layer was ready to be applied. I let go...I didn't renew.

I began to let go of comparing myself to the productivity of my coworkers and to own my own style of social work. I began to reorder my time to begin running again and set up races for motivation. I read more, lived more and gave back to my family more.

Each video, each lesson helped me move to another level. Oh yes, I struggled and sometimes I didn't touch a canvas for days but when I did, it felt good. As of now I've only finished two canvases and that's ok. I have many at different levels now and layers. I have mantras/life-giving phrases sweeping in and out of my thought-process.

I'm owning my voice more and ok with where I am. At the beginning of the summer I kept wanting to jump forward into where I thought God wanted me, but I kept sensing that He wanted me to know that I'd have to walk the road of obedience with Him before I'd just jump there. I waited, I listened, I lived, I struggled, I looked for other jobs because the stress was so overwhelming, I redefined my role again and again and again. Then my grandmother died...and that catapulted me forward. Life had more meaning and more lessons. I saw her legacy, I felt her wisdom.

Our marriage relationship continued through a growth-spurt, hard but rewarding. I watched a friend move in bravery towards a new journey away from our hospital environment. She took the leap of faith, YES! I was so proud of her!! Then the next thing I know.......I'm the one who gets kicked to move forward.

"Surely Lord you don't mean me to be interested in her position, surely not, that's too emotional, too heavy, I'm fine where I'm at, I love my unit!" And oh so gently He nudged me and I agonized. I agonized. I sought godly wisdom from friends, I considered my purpose statement for my life. I questioned if this leap of faith -- if this risk would fit? I shot it down several times - more than I can count. I got mad, I rationalized. Then I dreamed. I did a pro/con list. I thought of everything I'd told my friend about "trust", "being brave", stepping out, going ALL IN for Him. And as I discussed with my loving and patient husband. It was clear...comfort versus risk, continuing to do good or going for great.

I stepped out. And as I stepped out...my heart felt fear, emotion and joy. Even as my mother spoke with me about potentially having a rare, incurable form of cancer...there was light. And in the days ahead...even as our car broke down and died and we had to rush to get another one, which i LOVE now right before going to the doctor's appointment to hear if she had cancer or not-there was light... And many other stressors. I finished my first painting and LOVED it. LOVED what it symbolized to me. 

I have felt like I've been on a cliff of trust for a very long time now...maybe almost a year and I finally jumped, whole-heartedly with abandon, fully trusting, learning not to doubt, and expected God to go beyond my beyond. May I not forget this time! Sacred Moments...I get to be a part of sacred moments every single day now. I officially become the Miami Valley NICU Social Worker Monday. I can't tell you how surreal this change is, but it's different, it's meaningful and He's shifting my perspective on how to deal with the hard stuff. It truly does take a unique person to do such a job. And now I get to live into this unique person I had not thought that I was, but I am. Cheers!!

Reminder: Grandma - tenderhearted mercy, kindness, called to live in peace

Reminded today of what life is worth and who you love. Read this and thought of Grandma especially-she lived this!

Colossians 3:12-15 NLT
12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

She was/is my Grandma...I want you to know her.

Life is precious, it is short, our views are limited, we are finite. Enjoy now. Live wisely, choose wisely, live grace. Display love, speak kindly, write letters, get your hair done (you'll feel better), wiggle your nose and pretend to transport to family and back home, read God's Word, live love, know what you believe. Laugh often and watch the Reds. - A very dear & wise woman I knew, her spirit will live on through generations
I want you to remember her Elijah, this was you that last time you spent some time with her. We watched Kacie play in the NCAA tournament. Unfortunately, Ian's pictures are elsewhere-I'll add later.

Today she passed away more unexpectantly than I would have thought but I think she knew it was her day. See, Alice (Grandma Cassell) knew fully Jesus and had this beautiful relationship with him that I can only hope to have. Sometimes I wouldn't understand her when she spoke and prayed to Him and when she would hand me literature she had been reading about relevant and controversial topics. But what impacted me the most was that she knew grace. She knew what it meant, how to bestow it to another person and how to remain loyal to those she loved while still loving the others who had offended.

When I was younger she'd share her clip-on earrings with me and necklaces. I thought I was the most beautiful little girl with those gems on. She'd let me eat cheerios out of her cereal cabinet. She'd play Aggravation until the cows came home. She expected a lot from her kids but for her grandkids she wanted the world for us. She knew we were growing up in harder times with more influential cultures that pressed us from all sides. She knew we needed her. She was equally proud of all us of grandchildren and did not have any favorites...well I think each of us at one point felt that we were possibly her favorite. She'd share her heart with me while visiting during college and graduate school. When grandpa wasn't at his best, I'd watch her love him. 

Her heart was BIG and her hand-written letters were beautiful. I often had to squint to read them because of her stylish cursive/almost calligraphy hand-writing but they were beautiful. For several years now I've kept every birthday, anniversary or basic message simply thinking, it might be her last. She'd talk about being ready go to be with the Lord. She would pray for my children and for my husband and myself and I felt her prayers. Her physical presence, hug, voice will be missed but her legacy will live on. Grandma Alice as she always wanted me to call her (I called her Grandma Cassell from a young age), I will miss you dearly...dearly...dearly. 

 

My favorite "senior moment" memory of Grandma was a couple years ago when she stopped wearing her hearing aids. The sound of the door bell rang and she picked up the phone next to her and loudly said, "Hello!! Hello?!" and we just sat and laughed. "Grandma someone is at the door." She said, "Oh!!" in her high-pitched tone. It was awesome! She smiled and laughed too.

So now...I lay aside any guilt I had for not visiting more with grace that you continually passed on to me. I lay aside the hopes I had in listening more to you and in spending one-on-one time with you without children rustling and bustling beneath my feet. I hold the laughter of my children when being around you, the hugs and cuddles Eli gave to you last time we visited and Ian's pouty face. I hold on to visiting you in the rehab facility after your last hospitalization and although it was my last visit with you. I kissed you several times and hugged you. I loved you and was able to express how precious you are to me. Until I see you in heaven, the real heaven...with Jesus, may you know how deeply loved you are.

Right Now :: May 17, 2014

Right now, I'm sitting after a full-day of fun and spontaneous activity including: running 8 miles with Mark this morning (after one full year since the last time we did it together - thank you MOM!); having a great morning coloring the new cardboard train that we built together (well sort of, Mark & I put it together while the boys ran in and out of it), sitting down the couch with Mark in the basement (which is rare these days) and just saying random things to Ian like "is the TV's name Roger?" "what about the duck?" "I'd like to be a unicorn, ok Charlie".

 

Deciding to have a meal at TGI Fridays, finding a free appetizer coupon and sitting through a meal of Elijah firmly stating "no" to everything. Mark and I saying "grrrr" and rolling with it. Hanging out at Five Below store and then heading home for much-needed naps.

Waking up to Ian standing and staring at the closet in his room and then exclaiming "MY LIGHT TURN YELLOW AND I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT BECAUSE I was standing and staring Mommy!" --> Wow that's a new concept!

The boys playing in the dirt and with our neighbor and guided by mommy to use shovels and buckets (at least an hour of playing I think, unassisted?).

Then hanging with some close friends, painting, parenting and eating. LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY. I don't want this day to end but it must.

AND RIGHT NOW.... focusing on "This One Thing" sermon that I listened to this last week of Andy Stanley's and had begun "God is Able" by Priscilla Shirer but gave it away because I knew that my friend needed it right now. God has a funny way of giving things and taking them away for our good.

But God is and will be showing me these next several weeks, how to move past a habit and connecting with Jesus rather than relying and being satisfied by my own understanding. God is good, ALL the time.

Change, change, change...going back to CCJ...

 He doesn't look too much different.

  

  

 

 

 

This post won't do justice to my feelings or the experience of leaving Troy for a few days to go back to Jasper. There are some similarities between the communities but huge differences in the scenarios and individual growth in myself. Yet we were called to go to both communities and have been called to love people.

My role at CCJ looked very different than here at TCC. My personality was/is pretty much the same but man have I grown in motherhood & in my relationship with Christ and will continue to grow here in Ohio. When you look back and go back you realize all over again why such struggles occurred...why such friendships grew or fell out...why you were so confused at times about certain things and didn't pursue them. Hindsight is 20/20 and yet there would have been some decisions that I would have made quicker or another path I might have taken but if I would have, my heart may not have grown the way it did.

It was pretty surreal driving back there and I think it did help that Mark was preaching rather than us just 'visiting' because it helped me to feel more connected. Although children were taller, families looked a little different and staff were added & changed-it didn't feel all that different. And maybe that was the eerie part. The part of that, that made me stop and think "wait a second, but 2 years have gone by and here we are with Ian-5 and Elijah 16 months". It didn't take long to remind myself once the 1400 people came and went that time has moved forward...because I also remember the overwhelming feeling I'd feel most Sundays with not knowing so many people. It's just a different animal.

Now my role is different and I work full-time whereas I did not in Jasper. I was pretty connected with the community there with coaching but not yet here. My time here is a "wait and see"..."give it time"..."give yourself grace and understand that there is a bigger picture going on". It's more about obedience than it is about what I want (and I want many things by the way) but I know they are not all good for me.

So here is to hanging with people Saturday night, feeling connected with them again and watching our boys have a blast. Here is to experiencing such a vibrant and ever-changing environment. Here is to not sleeping much and having our boys do the same -- eeeekkkkkk. And here is to traveling through hilly country and staying with dear life-long friends. It's not goodbye, just see you later.

Lastly, a toast to where God has brought us. To the mystery that awaits us and the new life-long friendships, the new families we meet at TCC and in the community, our current core group who supports us and my coworkers whom I seriously adore. Here's to a new journey "in a roller-coaster of a different color" as I've stated before. Here's to a church family who I think is ready for new changes and to move forward...to a wonderful group of women I get to be a part of and to an awesome student and children's ministries for my boys to grow up in. So yes, it's different and I'm different. Here's to new roads to be run. (But yes I'll still miss Jasper - even with a Penn Station, KOHL's, Coldstone, Red Lobster..etc..etc only 10 minutes away now).  Cheers!