STRUGGLE to PERSISTENCE to FREEDOM

Read this post while listening to: 3055 by Olafur Arnalds on Made In Iceland 1 (thank you Pandora) because that is what I'm listening to as I write.

Why? because this is raw and cool and real. If I would have told myself even 2 years ago or a year ago that I would be where I am at in life I would have laughed and said, "well, that's nice but I don't understand how all of that is going to happen! So I'll just keep running because that is what I know how to do."

Jump to November 7, 2015 and running my fastest marathon 3:53 which was pretty cool and took a lot of heart and training and an entire focus on God's mission in my life. Scripture listening, crazy mileage training and I finished it under my goal time. I didn't believe but others did and told me. I didn't believe but God did and He knew. He was preparing me to begin to believe other bigger things. Like that I could be the mother to my boys I had hoped to be and not so distracted or chasing after professional endeavors with my passion. That I could be passionate about them while not losing my own dreams.

I toned up a little while running all those miles but still continued to struggle to keep my appetite and cravings in check. Fast forward to June 1, 2016. After realizing that God was asking me to do something I clearly had a hesitance towards: I decided to BELIEVE HIM and not care so much about the perceptions of others.

He has called me to focus on physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. I just needed additional tools. He has used a partnership with Beachbody (fitness programs, nutrition and accountability) and drinking a superfood shake to alter my perception of myself and of portion control. He has removed 10 lbs from my body of STRUGGLE through obedience and given me confidence in CHOICE over my cravings and helped to take some of them away. He helped me pursue PERSISTENCE and not perfection. AND THE MOST FANTASTIC PART OF THIS...He prepared me to HELP others through my own struggle. It's not about the money and selling, it's not about the #'s but it is about heart and it is about releasing strongholds. This is not something I take lightly.

So yes I may invite you to something but that is only because I feel LED and because there is something in you that made me think "yes, I'd love for them to realize a dream and to believe they can do it with God's help." It's about FREEDOM.

I truly am seeking my tribe - those that have struggled and want to stop surviving and THRIVE. I care not only about you physically (let's get healthy), BUT ALSO emotionally (let's smash depression/anxiety), mentally (let's squash negative scripts we tell ourselves) and spiritually (let's hold fast to the faith that God is working for our good and we desire Him). #madeformore #graceanddetermination I think I need another page to express gratitude for this journey. I will fall AND I will get back up. #getreadyforchallengegroupswithmeat!!! If you are triggered by this post then that means God may be stirring something in you to face a fear. We are skeptical because we are UNCERTAIN. I'm finding my Beautiful and I LIKE MY BEAUTIFUL. Be Blessed.

Right Now :: May 17, 2014

Right now, I'm sitting after a full-day of fun and spontaneous activity including: running 8 miles with Mark this morning (after one full year since the last time we did it together - thank you MOM!); having a great morning coloring the new cardboard train that we built together (well sort of, Mark & I put it together while the boys ran in and out of it), sitting down the couch with Mark in the basement (which is rare these days) and just saying random things to Ian like "is the TV's name Roger?" "what about the duck?" "I'd like to be a unicorn, ok Charlie".

 

Deciding to have a meal at TGI Fridays, finding a free appetizer coupon and sitting through a meal of Elijah firmly stating "no" to everything. Mark and I saying "grrrr" and rolling with it. Hanging out at Five Below store and then heading home for much-needed naps.

Waking up to Ian standing and staring at the closet in his room and then exclaiming "MY LIGHT TURN YELLOW AND I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT BECAUSE I was standing and staring Mommy!" --> Wow that's a new concept!

The boys playing in the dirt and with our neighbor and guided by mommy to use shovels and buckets (at least an hour of playing I think, unassisted?).

Then hanging with some close friends, painting, parenting and eating. LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY. I don't want this day to end but it must.

AND RIGHT NOW.... focusing on "This One Thing" sermon that I listened to this last week of Andy Stanley's and had begun "God is Able" by Priscilla Shirer but gave it away because I knew that my friend needed it right now. God has a funny way of giving things and taking them away for our good.

But God is and will be showing me these next several weeks, how to move past a habit and connecting with Jesus rather than relying and being satisfied by my own understanding. God is good, ALL the time.

Beautiful Nothingness

2009's Photos from Parents House

It's amazing when you have time to literally do nothing. Here at my parents house it's a relaxing setting of just hanging out, letting the kiddos rest in the afternoon and catching up on your own thoughts. I could be ambitious and read the book I need to read, I could write to those people I've been meaning to send cards to and I could do a project for my mom...but I'd rather sit and rest and think and not do.

It's a beautiful moment to do nothing and with the intention and non-guiltness of nothing. I wish I could say that we have that built-in margin in our lives for rest and relaxation (and we somewhat do with a toddler not into activities yet) but there is still time where we could but we don't. That is something I'd like to make a priority in....creating margin to create rest times and reflection times in our home.

Non-cluttered, non "to-do's" time where you don't stare at the projects that need done but can simply be still. [It also helps being in someone else's home, you don't need to, have to or even want to change things.]

Moments: Grandparents

Ian "helps" grandma and grandpa make breakfast.

Ian: New Phrase: Alien

Ian was playing with his Toy Story alien when he proclaimed, "I come in peace!" 

Mark laughed so hard his stomach hurt.

Kara just sat there thinking "did he really say that & where did he hear that?!"

This Won't Make Sense...

It's a place I'd rather not be...a place of indecisiveness and stress but in order to de-stress it completely takes away feeling and just "is".

My heart doesn't bleed for others, it is once again numb and it desires to stay that way but in this non-feelingness it is unfulfilled and non-purposeful. It snaps at people especially those closest to me and gives pat answers just to fill space or to finish a conversation that hasn't even begun. It isolates and wants to stay hidden and in its own world.

It stunts my growth and leads me to a pit. The pit where there's more dark than light, where I convince myself that those "little things" - those white lies I tell myself, white sin little things don't matter and that I will be fine. It's an angry side of me. A side I'd rather have people not see but Mark knows it's there. He knows that it gives him "the look" when he does or doesn't do something that is expected or snaps at him. Ian knows when I react much harsher that it is there and promptly reacts in a mirror-image sort of way with the same intensity.

It's a befuddling sort of scheme and sequence that has me sitting idle for moments at a time - contemplating if I'd like to stay in this state much longer. I'd rather not stay.