Right Now :: September Edition

* Pumpkin Spice lit candle on my craft desk (a.k.a. writing desk, work space, area of task-mastering).

* wearing an athletic tank top and shorts because the humidity make the 81 degrees seem hotter

* working through a "procrastination" exercise (isn't it ironic don't you think?)

* boys are 7 and 11 and somehow still enjoy Pokemon battles together

* trying to narrow my focus down to 3-5 tasks a day which is still really large

* not sure what I want to do for my birthday (40!) 

* attended a vocal lesson with a friend this morning which was very enlightening (I've never really known how to use my diaphragm in singing)

September

September is always a dreaming month for me as it is my birth month.

I naturally reflect on the last 365 days as well as multiple years of my life.
I view God's faithfulness.
Seek some clarity in the events that unfolded and often find that I simply need to Trust that God's plan is working as He deems good for me.
NEVER STOP GROWING.

So with that...I'm 20 days from another year around this sun...down.

IMPROVE THE MOMENT
IMAGINE the outcome you want from your current situation.
* So where are you? What about your situation would you like to be different? What about your situation is a the same?
* Picture yourself interacting with the (new) world around you.

For me, I'm not quite in the desert nor the promised land...I'm somewhere in between. I'd like more direction in my current situation with family, with profession, with gentleness and radical acceptance towards myself. I'd like to have a more openness to my soul and my mind and landscapes, meaning confidence and motivation to move forward, head outside, take on the world, take on a child, seize the day type of mentality. And part of that includes ME NOT THINKING when I initially wake up because then I OVERTHINK.

I like the current freedom and flexibility of my time in this season as I'm not employed and am able to focus on household work, children's development and if I want-to dream. However, I'm often scattered and not honed into my current present.

MEANING - find meaning in a situation or season.
* Am I learning anything about myself?
* What lessons can I take away from this?
* How will things be different in the future?
* In the grand scheme of things, how much does this really matters?

For me, I'm learning that I do desire a type of structure and need to practice The Five Second Rule 5-4-3-2-1, so that I don't use my time unwisely scrolling or spaghetti-brain chasing my tail.
I am learning that Radical Acceptance of a season is so important to embrace when circumstances or others' responses are truly out of my control and that I can have control over how I think about the season (rather than walking around disappointment, I pick myself back up, sit before God and ask "what next?").
In the future, I will still risk friendship, risk vulnerability and risk authenticity, because it is who I am. I will still share deep learnings and sufferings...I just won't expect people to understand or to respond in an empathetic manner with grace.
In the blimp that is life, a season of disappointment will become very small in the rearview mirror as long as we/I move forward.

PRAY/PRACTICE - connecting with God and doing anything with a sense of purpose for His glory 

RELAX - there is no quick fix, meditate or do a body scan and observe your body

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT - in times of trouble your mind tends to run in the past or the future, so bring yourself back to the present moment with a GROUNDING practice.
* sitting on the ground * going outside and planting your feet in the grass * closing your eyes and visualizing your breath traveling in and out as you breathe * moving your hands through water or sand * pick a flower and smell it * cover the crown of your head * Hum a song * stand up and press your feet into the ground * take a cold or hot shower or bath * sit criss-cross applesauce with your palms up open in surrender

VACATION - staycation, daydream, don't run away from your problems - rather take a break.
* phone a friend * listen to your favorite song * go outside * do a yoga pose * take yourself out of the situation

ENCOURAGEMENT - pretend you are talking to a friend and imagine what you would say to your friend to encourage them.

 "Kara, you are exactly where you need to be and you are learning to persevere daily to work through your own mess so that you can then help others. It begins with depending on God, leaning towards Him and inviting Him in. You can't see the whole picture, you can't understand it all, only He can. If you want to a beautiful soul then you must go through the struggle and you will come out on the other side...again and again. You are a work-in-progress until Heaven."

Taking the Time to Rest...but do I really?

It's a valid question, do I really take the time to rest?

Rest come in several different forms in my life including painting, reading and occasionally running can be counted. But the full on rest that my body and mind probably need is not something that I intentionally practice. Being still...resting.

Sickness is often the only way I have to stop. My mind is a restless mind of many thoughts, intentions, ideals, compassions and wonderings. It doesn't stay silent very long at all and possibly this is why God led me into motherhood with two boys because I feel that they are very much the same way. But rest and not feeling obligated to do, do, do is also needed.

She was/is my Grandma...I want you to know her.

Life is precious, it is short, our views are limited, we are finite. Enjoy now. Live wisely, choose wisely, live grace. Display love, speak kindly, write letters, get your hair done (you'll feel better), wiggle your nose and pretend to transport to family and back home, read God's Word, live love, know what you believe. Laugh often and watch the Reds. - A very dear & wise woman I knew, her spirit will live on through generations
I want you to remember her Elijah, this was you that last time you spent some time with her. We watched Kacie play in the NCAA tournament. Unfortunately, Ian's pictures are elsewhere-I'll add later.

Today she passed away more unexpectantly than I would have thought but I think she knew it was her day. See, Alice (Grandma Cassell) knew fully Jesus and had this beautiful relationship with him that I can only hope to have. Sometimes I wouldn't understand her when she spoke and prayed to Him and when she would hand me literature she had been reading about relevant and controversial topics. But what impacted me the most was that she knew grace. She knew what it meant, how to bestow it to another person and how to remain loyal to those she loved while still loving the others who had offended.

When I was younger she'd share her clip-on earrings with me and necklaces. I thought I was the most beautiful little girl with those gems on. She'd let me eat cheerios out of her cereal cabinet. She'd play Aggravation until the cows came home. She expected a lot from her kids but for her grandkids she wanted the world for us. She knew we were growing up in harder times with more influential cultures that pressed us from all sides. She knew we needed her. She was equally proud of all us of grandchildren and did not have any favorites...well I think each of us at one point felt that we were possibly her favorite. She'd share her heart with me while visiting during college and graduate school. When grandpa wasn't at his best, I'd watch her love him. 

Her heart was BIG and her hand-written letters were beautiful. I often had to squint to read them because of her stylish cursive/almost calligraphy hand-writing but they were beautiful. For several years now I've kept every birthday, anniversary or basic message simply thinking, it might be her last. She'd talk about being ready go to be with the Lord. She would pray for my children and for my husband and myself and I felt her prayers. Her physical presence, hug, voice will be missed but her legacy will live on. Grandma Alice as she always wanted me to call her (I called her Grandma Cassell from a young age), I will miss you dearly...dearly...dearly. 

 

My favorite "senior moment" memory of Grandma was a couple years ago when she stopped wearing her hearing aids. The sound of the door bell rang and she picked up the phone next to her and loudly said, "Hello!! Hello?!" and we just sat and laughed. "Grandma someone is at the door." She said, "Oh!!" in her high-pitched tone. It was awesome! She smiled and laughed too.

So now...I lay aside any guilt I had for not visiting more with grace that you continually passed on to me. I lay aside the hopes I had in listening more to you and in spending one-on-one time with you without children rustling and bustling beneath my feet. I hold the laughter of my children when being around you, the hugs and cuddles Eli gave to you last time we visited and Ian's pouty face. I hold on to visiting you in the rehab facility after your last hospitalization and although it was my last visit with you. I kissed you several times and hugged you. I loved you and was able to express how precious you are to me. Until I see you in heaven, the real heaven...with Jesus, may you know how deeply loved you are.

Right Now :: June 18

I'm reflecting on the past several months...
* listening through Real Marriage by Mark & Grace Driscoll - great read, highly recommend
  - some key points I can immediately remember "enduring, endearing marriage"
  - learn to repent
  - Mark and I are working to improve sharing our hearts and be receptive to the other's thoughts and feedback as well as wanderings
* reading through Brennan Manning's Memoir "All is Grace" - great reflective, raw read

* finished up "Becoming Myself" by Stacy Eldridge - one of the best books I've read
  - female friendships are all, we prick and scratch one another out of our insecurities

a little bit about me...

• i haven't written about me in a while so I want to • I am a pretty transparent person unless I feel like I'm not fully understood then I clam up • lately God has shown me that I am suppose to pause more and keep the bigger picture in mind: glorifying Him and not me • He has challenged me to pray more intentionally and soften my heart • I have struggled with thinking I need to always be physically fit because I have been for a while in different seasons of my life • I wish I was more crafty and creative as my upbringing would lead you to belief (my mom was & is a wiz with creativity) • my small group is going through Chazown and moving towards God's purpose for our lives - it is challenging • it's hard to remember past things that hurt even if it has shaped you • I wish I was clearly gifted with excellence in one particular area so it would be more readily known to me what it is I'm suppose to do (all the time) but then again I do like the fact that I have learned to allow God to use me wherever I am • topics I have thought about lately: international social work/situational ethics/repentance/medical family therapy/running/seasons in my life/baby jar projects/vision/other peoples' hearts/my own heart • thinking my size isn't as important as my fitness • dreaming about missions we visit and what places • contemplating how our lives will change in the next season • thankful for my coworkers who get me and my heart • wishing that friendships didn't have to dissolve as seasons go by • wishing I could support everyone in my inner circle and be there for them...• LOVING my time with my boys and watching them grow • learning more about Mark and trying to listen more when he speaks or even when he doesn't...
  
  
  
  

Run-on status: Thoughts

Did my 8 mile run this morning and it's amazing how many thoughts one person can have in that amount of time!

Ran through our neighborhood to 25A here in Troy and then on to Miami River Recreation Trail for the rest. I got to Tipp City and turned around. Through that time, my thoughts ranged from: mentoring,
to someday doing therapy again,
to the sound of the river beside me (LOVE THAT SOUND),
to how much I miss doing this,
to what really is my favorite song, phrase, color, verse,
to what I might say in my talk about Depression & Emotional Resilience coming up,
to how much I miss my parents and my "tree" back home,
to how I can't wait to have Ian and Eli along with me someday,
to isn't this 3 minutes of running over quite yet for a walk,
to I have such a great husband-wish he was with me right now,
to I can't wait to ride my bike on this trail and go into Dayton,
to what if I trained for an Ironman while working full-time and ride my bike into work and then back (how long would that take?)
to I love this jacket,
to I want to beat the pace of the runner who I just saw,
to I wish I was in better shape to go faster,
to pretty shoes!,
to I can't wait to run with Rachel Harvey in her first half marathon,
to "WOW, I'm back to training for this half marathon in just 5 weeks like I did last post-pregnancy,"
to thank you to my Heavenly Father for the gift of movement,
to being grateful for my relationship with my Savior,
to going through the timeline of this past year: moving, job, friends, baby, moving again, life.

If my body could take it all the time, I'd run all the time but it can't take it. So...triathlon again?

YEAR 32

I've heard that imitation is the best form of flattery & it is something that I do take from others. Thus, I will flatter a blogger that I enjoy reading (www.martawrites.com) - she is a new momma with her second boy - just as I will be soon & she embraces life as it comes. She is a graphic design person and I've found that I love looking at other people's works of art - although my work of art is in working with people and in conversations & perceptions. I've snipped portions of her latest post b/c it totally applies to me as well & she ironically just turned 32 as well!)

birthdays are my favorite time to resolve to be a new, shiny person.

am planning toenjoy the best things in life.
figure out how to get this baby weight off.
(any good workout tunes suggestions?)
care more about what i put into my body.
it'll be the last one for a long time.
am hoping to write in my blog or my notebook a lot more often.
more lunches with mark.
more long chats with "sisters" on the phone.
less time in front of the tv (we do this pretty well already).
more eating good healthy breakfasts.
finding opportune times to exercise.
will try not to avoid hard tasks.
i hope to be the type of person i hope my kids will be.
discipline with a lot of love.
go on more date nights! (try new restaurants!)
eat excellent desserts.
bathe in bubble baths.
feel less guilty about what i haven't gotten to yet.
participate in some kind of athletic event with friends on their bucket lists.  (totally all mine)
support mark in all of his!
learn a new skill: renegade sewing perhaps?  (again totally mine)
find ways to make someone smile.
build family traditions.
celebrate holidays!
be optimistic!
remember to read scriptures and apply them to my life.
start handmade christmas gifts early (like now).
try hard to remember others and serve them.
pray and communicate with God.
be kinder and ready to listen.
make others feel important.
live without regret.
be genuine.
be more obedient in God's calling for my life and mission.  (always a tough one)
make good decisions. (be more decisive!!) & intentional
make time to write sincere thank you notes.
enjoy this new season of life without fear or regreat & embrace this time.  (me again)

Right Now...

> a bit scared about delivering baby early (just not quite ready although I guess as ready as I might be anyway
   : wanting to be able to just be at the hospital already and not have to travel in there...30-35 min drive
   : hoping my water doesn't break in public or in my own bed...would rather just be working in hospital already again
    : wishing I could eat consistently enough and healthy enough to just let go the fear of puking during labor
    : I'm about done with the having to the bathroom every 15 minutes
> too tired to care at times about what is happening around me
> wanting to soak up and remember all that Ian is doing
   : his favorite colors - blue & green
   : his favorite words - rhyming anything...blue, glue, baby, laby, silly goose, silly moose
   : his favorite fruit - blueberries
   : some favorite toys - anything CARS, legos
   : favorite activity - running around & biking
   : his loves dessert way too much for my taste and always wants to ask for it
> cleaning occupies a large portion of my brain (I like to feel clean and uncluttered)
> house hunting - we are eyeing one particular house but there are still things to consider & people to speak with
> reading God's Word - eating up my curiousity about certain verses, topics and names (their meanings)

Wanting to begin a Christmas list....
* This December Daily Kit  $89
* this shampoo & conditioner that I was able to experience at Kingsgate Marriott Hotel over our Anniversay (Bath & Body Works - Citrus Ginger) -- want big bottles $10

Ian Today....

 just sitting, watching the train go round & round while waiting for mom to get ready to take him to school

 on His laptop playing...

Today Ian did several things

Inspired by....

* the making of a new real friendship/mentorship
* reminding myself that God has made me for His Purpose and that there is significance in that ALONE
* remembering how I want to be a "real" minister's wife and will tell you respectfully what I think
* the fact that at one point in time and sometimes still now, I'd like to have an eyebrow ring :)
* the little person moving in my belly who seems to want to tell me to keep eating his favorite foods (tomatoes, sugary candy, cheesy popcorn, waffles with peanut butter & raisins, Kraft mac & cheese, wraps)
* the 3-year-old making faces at me across the dining table and thinking he's hilarious
* the unknown...knowing somehow in 3 years I'll know why it happened that way...
* these pictures & sayings:

Beautiful Nothingness

2009's Photos from Parents House

It's amazing when you have time to literally do nothing. Here at my parents house it's a relaxing setting of just hanging out, letting the kiddos rest in the afternoon and catching up on your own thoughts. I could be ambitious and read the book I need to read, I could write to those people I've been meaning to send cards to and I could do a project for my mom...but I'd rather sit and rest and think and not do.

It's a beautiful moment to do nothing and with the intention and non-guiltness of nothing. I wish I could say that we have that built-in margin in our lives for rest and relaxation (and we somewhat do with a toddler not into activities yet) but there is still time where we could but we don't. That is something I'd like to make a priority in....creating margin to create rest times and reflection times in our home.

Non-cluttered, non "to-do's" time where you don't stare at the projects that need done but can simply be still. [It also helps being in someone else's home, you don't need to, have to or even want to change things.]

Story: Trains & Mythbusters

Ian said they were all watching Mythbusters. We're so proud :-).

Story: Cookout & 1st S'more!

Ian eats with good company (Justin excluded). During this cookout at the Weisman's Ian also experience his first S'more (pictures to come later!)

Jumbled Thoughts - Intense Moments

It occurred to me this morning that just one change in my ever-changing routine kind of throws me for a loop. When those times come when I'm not purposeful even to the extent of not just "being" when I think I should be...plays on my mind.

For instance, today I chose not to go to body pump (form of weight-lifting class) and simply sit to actually digest my breakfast and do some searching online for some "fun" things and some serious things...the next thing I know, I'm waiting for a particular topic to come up on the Today Show (Parenting & Fathers) and feel stuck waiting while remembering ALL of the things I need to do (especially mowing). I walk to take my bowl back to the kitchen and am FLOODED with all kinds of inadequacies not to mention the clutter in my home that I just passed.  I think to myself, "can't I just throw it all into a box? and get it out of my sight?" however, I know what I would do...it would still be there and I would still know it.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about self-destructing and found myself eerily-moving in that direction. I just wonder to myself, "how is it that I can counsel with my clients and ask intentional questions as they move toward their purpose or healing and yet I get caught, myself, in these same snares?" It's easy to answer: I'm human too experiencing life too and not separate from the hardships, confusion and pain of daily living. Along with that I experience the highs, joys and elation of this life as well daily. Maybe I expect something different.  Maybe I allowed myself too much time this morning to wander and not focus. Maybe I didn't have my time with our Creator and my Savior. Yep, that is definitely it, that and the fact that I didn't sweat this morning - I have to sweat and get out the poisonous inadequacies and confidence-depleting thoughts and behaviors.

At least there is a new experience around the corner - swimming in new open water today at 11:30am at Patoka Lake with a friend. If only I can shut my thoughts off now, that'd be nice.

"Just keep swimming...just keep swimming" as Dori says in Finding Nemo.

Just a Little

Having the urge to write just a little...a lot of change is happening once again in a couple areas of life. Summer in and of itself is a huge change with temps, my appetite, running and counseling. We are now beginning to move furnishings into staff offices at the church and it is a little overwhelming thinking about what might go best in a therapy setting. I've just always have done with what was given to me, but now that I might have some input into what would be most "therapeutic" it's a little daunting.

Counseling sessions are either becoming more check-ins with people since they are currently working on things or crisis situations which often becomes a place where I am given the opportunity and challenge of walking with someone through their pain. I have to be honest in saying that it is not easy and sometimes I think that I'm too sensitive and am unable to really place their pain where it should be placed for me to continue on in my day once the session is done.

With temps in the 90s there is no way I am going to run and thus, early morning activity is the only activity I will do outside of a pool. I'm tryng to think of more activities to do with Ian now that he is older when we have time with him. The poor thing though gets so hot and has my skin so he will burn and get so red.

Easter 2011

The Story of Today: church - a blast, Ruff lunch & egg hunt and a small note to a dress.

Dear Dress I was going to wear,

You were quite beautiful and I did want to wear you quite badly. But once I found out that I had tossed my slips from long ago and saw that the front was a little too low for this minister's wife to "represent" on Easter...I figured out that you might be a better fit for me whenever Mark & I go on a 10-year anniversary cruise or second honeymoon to some place warm. Alas, I will fit into you again but it is not the time. Thank you sincerely, Kara

 We are awake & eating breakfast!

 Not the best picture but it will do :)

 Greeting the Peeps

What an awesome day to Praise God - 1,500 people were present to hear the message of how our lives can change when we encounter the miraculous, resurrected Christ and his healing purpose for our lives.

 

 The Ending of a wonderful Day

Easter Egg Hunt 1

This Easter Egg Hunt was the invention of Mommy at the Smith's house for Ian to find.

The Thrill of "the Find"

Blessed Day - Good Friday
What a blessed day! I ran 8 miles in the morning (at 8:30-9:00 minute pace) + found an exersaucer for my friend Jill at a garage sale for a great price AND yard saling with Ian.  Here's this day in pictures.
The rain came back and forth all day but this one "find" was one that was going to be on a Christmas family list this upcoming December however...I found it, we briefly researched it, budgetized it and bought it! Can you guess? Drum-roll please....

Mowing & Cooking

So our little man is quite the yardman and quite the chef. He plays in both worlds!