Release Revolution :: Discovering what Needs to be Healed

This isn't just a Release of possessions but is also a release of inner turmoil or angst or distress that has built up in my body, mind and spirit.

In discovering what needs to be healed, we can take simple and intentional steps to move forward.

What are these steps? Well I can read all I want in all kinds of books, but I am finding out that whatever it is that needs healed in us often is shown through reviewing how we cope.

When are the times you run to food, alcohol, any substance or ignore the small voice in your head that tells you "let's face this together"? When do you tend to feel like crawling in a hole? What is it about these times that propels you into shame?

And again I can ask all the questions in the world but until you and I STOP and PAUSE to consider where our pain is (literally and/or figuratively) we will not be able to even begin to identify where we may need healing.

I sense that my strong tendency to numb with food is because I need healing in the area of loving myself enough to allow myself to feel bad...to feel sad...to feel overwhelmed...to feel unloved. And that my thought-process needs to shift in order to better understand that these are feelings and that my mind is more powerful than I believe. My presence in another's life matters more than I think. And my brave is much braver than I could ever imagine.

I know my Creator and even when I feel distant from Him, it's ok to come back around and sit with Him in silence and ask Him "what needs to be healed?" "Can you help me please?"

And this begins...the process...(all over again)...and I'm a better person for it.

Right Now...Eli 5 weeks

Today you are just perfect. You are beginning to coo more and to smile which makes up totally for any spit up that ends up on my shirt. You love to look at the walls of frames and to listen to Ian’s voice as he circles around you. You still struggle with the reflux some and end up quivering your bottom lip each time you spit up and seem to say “why is this happening to me, I don’t like it”. Your dark hair and bright eyes are gorgeous!  And you are so strong. You are already strong in your neck with lifting your head (you even did that in the hospital) and your legs prompt you to stand as if you already knew how to walk! You are getting better with tummy time and at 5 weeks of age are sleeping better in the night.

I am amazed by you and amazed by how blessed I feel. Each obstacle we encounter (and there have been a lot with you), we all seem to learn from and move forward with. I know that I have only “moments”  with you and then life begins its crazy routine and course when I go back to work.

I know I will miss you little face with me all day even though I won’t miss the fussiness, grumpiness or spit up but I will miss the expressions and even some of your firsts. But this is a season and you will grow and I will grow with you. What a great little human you are and I am so proud of you…and you don’t even do anything yet!

What I must Do Right NOW

As days go by and I am faced with even more uncertainty of job-status, career-direction & vision and personal purpose, I am gaining a sense that I need to "pause" and gain joy from my current position.

An odd to thing to think in my book but realizing that I am only 30, yes 30 and that Lord-willing there is more life ahead of me and in my career. I have an opportunity to be productive now by accomplishing things I was not otherwise able to focus on in previous weeks/years while here in this town. I sense a transition time...including more than a few areas in our life, and that my role is changing for Mark once again.

My biggest challenge is to not get caught-up in the uncertainty. My brain and my body reacts to it - so much so that I was scheduled to do a 5 mile run this morning and had absolutely no desire or drive to do it. I let the depression creep in and grip me. It would have been better to have ran just a little than to do none at all.

I have lists and lists of to-dos around and for this house, but I know that I cannot accomplish this alone but I'm not sure what my options are. Here are some:
* transfer pile of sticks & compost to the yard waste are in town (need truck and man-power)
* cut & clear weeds/vines/growth behind shed
* pick weeds out of landscaping
* cut vines over rock siding
* declutter house (entire house - throw-away, donate, sell, give away)
* finish all un-finished house projects:
- touch-up bathroom paint
- paint living room trim & ceiling
- paint kitchen ceiling
- paint closet doors in main bedroom
- sand panelling in guest bedroom area & paint

Just a lot to do and having a struggle determining how and when.

Strassenfest: Train Ride & Parade

Always LOVE new experience specially when life is sooo not-knowing right now.

And the Parade :)

 NOTE: We told Ian, "now put your hands out if you want candy" and this was the result.

Recent Experiences

As usual A LOT has transpired since my last post, whenever that was.

• Ian & I visited my parents over the July 4th weekend, see some pictures below (LOTS of stories)...
• had some very close friends (i.e. part of our family) visit for a couple of days... (a later post)
• am deciding to change the way I eat completely... (another later post)
• am still running long runs (i.e. 9-13 miles)
• career changes are potentially occurring
• having a lot of vision & purpose talks with friends & family
• losing motivation to mow due to the heat
• listening to Ian as he states full sentences now & shows our expressions on his face!

 Lots of reading with Grandpa

 Planting flowers with Grandma

 Driving the John Deer Tractor!

 A First: Riding in Grandpa's convertible

 Making Fruit Pizza with Grandma

 The Best Pick-up Stick's worker!

 Baby birds Mommy!

 HI!

 A First: making homemade ice cream with Grandpa and Mommy

 The privilege: eating homemade ice cream off of the scoop.

 Walking a Trail

Placing flowers on Grandpa's head, a must. 

"Grandpa I have to tell you something!"

It's Been Awhile....

This past several days we have been blessed to hang out with the Messmore's (Mark's family) and it was very lovely. The difference during this trip for me (and this is me being very transparent) is that 1) Ian is older and more versatile with this routine and 2) my heart was guided much more by God and not by me.

It was a different experience for me to do my Breaking Free study each morning and also to exercise (to run in town - 10 miles on Saturday & 4 fast miles on Monday). My mind was so much freer and my time with God was quite noticeable to me. I didn't try to figure out schedules or expect certain things from myself or others. I just went with those two things in mind that I knew I needed to focus on for myself (study & running) and just let the rest fall in place. I also made it intentional to not overeat and did very well with the exception of one meal. :S

Ian had a blast and spent time with his cousins, grandparents and aunt & uncle. It was so much fun to watch him enjoy their presence and playfulness with him. He cuddled with them, ate with them and also had his own playtime where we were able to watch him do "pretend play" and boy was he good! :)

Mark did 3 messages (sermons) for a revival at his parents' church and so he was busy doing that which was awesome. And he took the time to interact with family and to see Ian just blossom before our eyes. The ride there was awesome and seemingly quick at 6:30 hours - the ride back, not-so-much but we endured and even got to see my grandparents. Grandpa opened up his eyes for a little bit to see Ian and us which was priceless then went back into his "sleep state". I just hope Grandma gets some rest tonight.

More pictures to come later...

4-28-11 Shopper & Super-Hero

My little shopper - he loves to cook & my Superman!

Mowing & Cooking

So our little man is quite the yardman and quite the chef. He plays in both worlds!

So Beyond Excited!!

I am so beyond excited! I won this class on Ali Edward's blog! It is one of those things where you feel like a kid again when all the other kids get picked and then just resign yourself to the fact that, "it's ok, it is just not something I will ever get randomly chosen for."

I went along just like any other giveaway - make my Spring Cleaning comment, "Spring cleaning tip? hmmmmm….clean out – in order to really clean-up, get rid of those things you didn’t use over the winter time" and researched the class - placed it on here to say it is on my wishlist for the "someday" AND I was chosen!

How excited I was when I saw my name, like opening up that Golden Ticket with Wonka Bars! I sat there and screamed in jubilee and Ian jumped up from his very focused Thomas the Train play session and ran around the basement towards me saying "what is it?!!! what is it mommy??!!!!" in such excitement only a 2-year-old could muster.

So this 30-year-old mother is estatic and remembering where all of her scraps are and various everyday papers for this class. I plan to focus more on it during those times when I would be doing those LLOONNGG runs after the marathon is done. So very blessed!

Working All Week - Full-Time

This past week was a unique experience for me. I worked 8-10 hours a day at Memorial Hospital & Healthcare Center in my Social Work role with discharge planning. It is always unpredictable and challenging. There are parts to it that are very much fun and some of the most interesting conversations (both with coworkers and with patients and their families. Sometimes there are tasks you do that you honestly do not know the first thing about but have to learn as you go whereas, there are tasks you could do with your eyes closed and says the same phrase over and over again. Either way it's interesting.


This picture shows my hospital office work space.

What I am most proud of this week is not only learning more but getting up at 5am to workout and keep my resolve to stay fit. I had my share of sweets this week now doubt but I know at least I was burning calories early, early in the morning! It's a whole 'nother world that early in the morning and I found it peaceful though exhausting. By Thursday morning I was good to go and ready to begin working out. An ice storm kept me from working out Thursday morning but Friday morning came and I was ok. My body is ready to go bed by Ian's bedtime (8:30pm) but I think I do accomplish more. It has been a good experience and in reality...I really, really hope that I can keep the 5am wake-up time and make it manageable for our family routine. Not going to bed with Mark is different and kind of sad but I just can't stay up as late as him - it's not doable.

To give you a glimpse into my other professional world...This is my Marriage & Family Therapy work space at the church.

My Resolve....

It always seems that once I set my mind on something that my resolve at some point is tested. I know this is what all people face at some point, but it is different when it is you, yourself.

I have a resolve to remain fit throughout the winter season and have a plan...my plan has to be flexible and I'm work 8-10 hour days at the hospital this week so fitting in time to exercise is hard and demanding. I did 5:15 this morning and worked until 5:30pm. I am spent. How do full-time peope do it?

I have a resolve to keep doing the "December Daily" pictures and photo collages but am quite behind on this project - alas but I'm still taking notable pictures so it's a matter of downloading, picking out pictures and placing them into collages.

I have a resolve of making Christmas simpler, though am finding myself crunched for time...time for wrapping, time for sending out letters or packages...

It will get done, it's just a matter of when and how.

A Little Disoriented

Life is disoriented for me...a huge situation involving multiple dilemmas in my counseling world, unending tasks with Social Work jobs, kitties that might still have fleas, arranging my schedule to get 6, 8, 12 miles runs in each week at some point, and figuring out "how is this suppose to work while following God's plan?" How does the cleaning, the playing, the cherishing and the love live in this space?

It doesn't make all that much sense to me - deception, seduction, lying and manipulation besides our humanness coming out which jeopardizes relationships, friendships and families. I realize I have a hard time with people lying to me although I realize that in reality, they are simply telling me one piece of the story or puzzle and choose to leave out the rest for whatever reason. I know that we all do it at some point in time in our lives but it is so hurtful and even possibly harmful if we do it with our closest people.

Those intimate, spirit-filled friendships we have where we are given emotional fuel to battle the day to day stuff in life are so important to me. I could not imagine not having those nor even worse pushing those away or abusing them for my benefit. It is apparent that godly people really can do ungodly things and that none of us are immune. It is just what path or direction we choose that makes all the difference.

I pray to choose the narrow path, to choose the path less travelled and to choose Christ and His direction. I need not be judgmental of others or look down upon them for choosing another path but simply to see them in grace knowing that God has given me grace. I choose to work through healing, forgiving and moving toward joy and seeing the best in others.

Not Written

I have not written for awhile or even posted and for good reasons:
1) this is really for me anyway and no one is really reading it
2) I think of clever or interesting things when I'm away from any computer and don't have place to write it down or the moment passes
3) I keep trying to think of a theme rather than these random postings and even though I fully intended to do Garage Sale Saturday - I have practiced and completed the activity ut have not taken any picture or posted any news about my findings
4) life is simpler when I'm not on the computer so much so alas...we will see

There is a Season....there is a Time....

I've begun to realize how there is a season and a time for everything (of course under the sun - Ecclesiastes). There is a time for work (hospital social work & counseling)... and a time for play (surfing the net, running, crafting).

It's being discipined in knowing how to manueaver these times that keeps me sane.

Amazed by Learning & Figuring Myself Out

We as humans are so very interesting and complex. I used to toute myself as a "simple" person, no pretense or fakeness however what I didn't realize is that I too have opinions and when confronted by something I do not like I am vocal. A simple person may not necessarily be so vocal or have an opinion.

I think marriage helped me figure this out the most, or should I say Mark. :) He'd ask me where to eat and of course I would say "wherever" - remember I'm a "simple" person, easy to please and then he would say "where" and I would say....nah I don't want to go there. LOL...I have an opinion.

Anywho I've come to realize I am just as complex as any other person and sometimes maybe more since I am aware of myself...and continually learn about my own awareness and myself. I love learning...but I don't like anxiety and the trials that come from knowing and not knowing. Alas it is life,and we are ALL complex!

Getting Up

The greatest feat, is getting up after you fall down. And you do it again, and again, and again. But it never really does get old.

I'm reminded of many couples I see and friends I have where you have a fight or another argument and that last argument "was it" for you, you've had it and you're done or the world tells you "get out" and yet it is relearning to get back up and to humble yourself before God...and possibly before your partner or even standing strong with humility. It's the art of getting back up that makes life exciting and torturous. Moving forward, keeping on and not stopping. When you stop or runaway - that is when things get messy UNLESS it is full about face where you're going towards God and away from your own way.

We all fall, we all stumble and we all have to get back up.

A Week in the Life

Someday I will do the project "A Week in the Life" that Ali Edwards talks about and that Iara (love that name by the way did). I love hers! Go to here.

It's Been Awhile...

It's Been Awhile since I last posted..

Ian now is learning to say please or "peas" and his thank you's "tank-cuu's" are getting much better and more frequent. This morning Mark did a great thing as I got Ian up to change him and Ian immediately got mad or sad or maybe he was even scared at laying down but Mark came in and just calmed him down so I could change him and it made a world of difference! The morning went much smoother and he was his happy, go-lucky self just talking away and "what's that!"...

He came into the restroom as I was getting ready and just opened his mouth (he was ready for his teeth to be brushed). Sometimes he is a handfull when he simply plays by himself he is so fun to watch. I wonder what God thinks of us as we play by ourselves?

I finally called the tree-trimming place (it's only taken me two weeks to call to get an estimate) and they are going try to come out next week. :S Should have called them earlier - oh well. Alas, today was a 5 mile run - love my downhill start and later on it felt more comfortable but it takes me a long time to even get out to do it. :S