- i haven't written about me in a while so I want to • I am a pretty transparent person unless I feel like I'm not fully understood then I clam up • lately God has shown me that I am suppose to pause more and keep the bigger picture in mind: glorifying Him and not me • He has challenged me to pray more intentionally and soften my heart • I have struggled with thinking I need to always be physically fit because I have been for a while in different seasons of my life • I wish I was more crafty and creative as my upbringing would lead you to belief (my mom was & is a wiz with creativity) • my small group is going through Chazown and moving towards God's purpose for our lives - it is challenging • it's hard to remember past things that hurt even if it has shaped you • I wish I was clearly gifted with excellence in one particular area so it would be more readily known to me what it is I'm suppose to do (all the time) but then again I do like the fact that I have learned to allow God to use me wherever I am • topics I have thought about lately: international social work/situational ethics/repentance/medical family therapy/running/seasons in my life/baby jar projects/vision/other peoples' hearts/my own heart • thinking my size isn't as important as my fitness • dreaming about missions we visit and what places • contemplating how our lives will change in the next season • thankful for my coworkers who get me and my heart • wishing that friendships didn't have to dissolve as seasons go by • wishing I could support everyone in my inner circle and be there for them...• LOVING my time with my boys and watching them grow • learning more about Mark and trying to listen more when he speaks or even when he doesn't...
Showing posts with label obedience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label obedience. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
a little bit about me...
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Nothing new besides Self-destructing
For anyone who really knows me will know, that when something falls apart or I perceive it as falling apart, I tend to self-destruct myself. I do those habits which are not beneficial and become quite indecisive about many things. How Mark can handle it I do not know. I am in that place presently and it is a very hard place for me to move from. But I have been here before...it sometimes waits for me and this time I am captured.
Only through humbling myself before God do I see Light and re-begin my journey with Him. I can't describe to you exactly right now on this blog how this all began but in vague terms, it began with uncertainty, misguidedness on my own part and details. It regards my purpose, what I perceive my purpose to be here on this earth, one of my roles and something that I cherish and it may all fall apart.
It is daunting and I already broke down with Mark but I can see more now how it is part of a framework for which I do not understand and although I may in my own mind (lose everything I worked for), in the end - it wasn't really mine to begin with. Sound vague enough for you?
Right now I know what I need to do: be obedient and follow though and walk in obedience otherwise I will self-destruct (which means gaining weight, not running, not caring, sleeping a lot & giving up)...none of us want that.
Only through humbling myself before God do I see Light and re-begin my journey with Him. I can't describe to you exactly right now on this blog how this all began but in vague terms, it began with uncertainty, misguidedness on my own part and details. It regards my purpose, what I perceive my purpose to be here on this earth, one of my roles and something that I cherish and it may all fall apart.
It is daunting and I already broke down with Mark but I can see more now how it is part of a framework for which I do not understand and although I may in my own mind (lose everything I worked for), in the end - it wasn't really mine to begin with. Sound vague enough for you?
Right now I know what I need to do: be obedient and follow though and walk in obedience otherwise I will self-destruct (which means gaining weight, not running, not caring, sleeping a lot & giving up)...none of us want that.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
A Little Disoriented
Life is disoriented for me...a huge situation involving multiple dilemmas in my counseling world, unending tasks with Social Work jobs, kitties that might still have fleas, arranging my schedule to get 6, 8, 12 miles runs in each week at some point, and figuring out "how is this suppose to work while following God's plan?" How does the cleaning, the playing, the cherishing and the love live in this space?
It doesn't make all that much sense to me - deception, seduction, lying and manipulation besides our humanness coming out which jeopardizes relationships, friendships and families. I realize I have a hard time with people lying to me although I realize that in reality, they are simply telling me one piece of the story or puzzle and choose to leave out the rest for whatever reason. I know that we all do it at some point in time in our lives but it is so hurtful and even possibly harmful if we do it with our closest people.
Those intimate, spirit-filled friendships we have where we are given emotional fuel to battle the day to day stuff in life are so important to me. I could not imagine not having those nor even worse pushing those away or abusing them for my benefit. It is apparent that godly people really can do ungodly things and that none of us are immune. It is just what path or direction we choose that makes all the difference.
I pray to choose the narrow path, to choose the path less travelled and to choose Christ and His direction. I need not be judgmental of others or look down upon them for choosing another path but simply to see them in grace knowing that God has given me grace. I choose to work through healing, forgiving and moving toward joy and seeing the best in others.
It doesn't make all that much sense to me - deception, seduction, lying and manipulation besides our humanness coming out which jeopardizes relationships, friendships and families. I realize I have a hard time with people lying to me although I realize that in reality, they are simply telling me one piece of the story or puzzle and choose to leave out the rest for whatever reason. I know that we all do it at some point in time in our lives but it is so hurtful and even possibly harmful if we do it with our closest people.
Those intimate, spirit-filled friendships we have where we are given emotional fuel to battle the day to day stuff in life are so important to me. I could not imagine not having those nor even worse pushing those away or abusing them for my benefit. It is apparent that godly people really can do ungodly things and that none of us are immune. It is just what path or direction we choose that makes all the difference.
I pray to choose the narrow path, to choose the path less travelled and to choose Christ and His direction. I need not be judgmental of others or look down upon them for choosing another path but simply to see them in grace knowing that God has given me grace. I choose to work through healing, forgiving and moving toward joy and seeing the best in others.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Thoughts on Obedience, Sleep, Blessings
Realizing how a day full of therapy appointments really drains me and excites me all at the same time. People coming to change, to enact change, to be apart of change and to embrace change. That is a pretty tall order. Such amazing people I see who really question themselves and the people around them.
I'm realizing as I question myself that sleep is an idol to me. I go to it (or at least I desire it) for my comfort and for my rest and for my "start-over" for my day if it didn't start out well. God's expressed to me that if I obey Him (which is all He asks) that then He will turn my struggle into victory and will show me what I need to do in order to be in line with His will. What an exciting thought but as we all know as humans I don't want to change. I want to stay the same doing the insane thing of thinking that my understanding and thinking are somehow working for me (which they are not).
I wonder how other people work through their idols and give them up and move on from them into obedience. I've done it before and have been so blessed by it. I am working on my "break a habit in 21 days" and since I started it I do feel better in that respect and I do believe that I have been blessed. I've felt called to go back into helping out with basketball with the girls and so there is another purpose for my evenings or late afternoons. I cherish my time with Ian and with Mark a little bit more and I feel a little bit more like myself. I was offered another PRN job for in-home social work, accepted it, and was trained in it. Things are looking up but I get down waaaay too easily thinking my life is different from everyone else's which it is not. Working in isolation is not a good thing nor a healthy thing and neither is existing in isolation. We must all come together.
I'm realizing as I question myself that sleep is an idol to me. I go to it (or at least I desire it) for my comfort and for my rest and for my "start-over" for my day if it didn't start out well. God's expressed to me that if I obey Him (which is all He asks) that then He will turn my struggle into victory and will show me what I need to do in order to be in line with His will. What an exciting thought but as we all know as humans I don't want to change. I want to stay the same doing the insane thing of thinking that my understanding and thinking are somehow working for me (which they are not).
I wonder how other people work through their idols and give them up and move on from them into obedience. I've done it before and have been so blessed by it. I am working on my "break a habit in 21 days" and since I started it I do feel better in that respect and I do believe that I have been blessed. I've felt called to go back into helping out with basketball with the girls and so there is another purpose for my evenings or late afternoons. I cherish my time with Ian and with Mark a little bit more and I feel a little bit more like myself. I was offered another PRN job for in-home social work, accepted it, and was trained in it. Things are looking up but I get down waaaay too easily thinking my life is different from everyone else's which it is not. Working in isolation is not a good thing nor a healthy thing and neither is existing in isolation. We must all come together.
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