Permission to...REFLECT, the creative path...

Permission granted to....REFLECT

Having a creative path…my mother showed me how to express through crafts and making gifts for other people. I thoroughly enjoyed creating things around the holidays with my mom, my aunts and cousins and making things with my hands. I loved color and whimsical patterns. I began to fall in love with writing in my creative writing class and placing down my thoughts through pen. I was drawn to deep thinking and abstract mindfulness.

In middle school, I excelled at most anything I touched including art. I found myself consumed by learning about it, almost perfectionistically but it directed me towards thinking about art therapy and helping others express their grief, their pain through art. I obtained awards and when I was doing a painting or a drawing, that is all that I was thinking about and was not distracted.

Unfortunately or fortunately as it may be, my path in art went elsewhere when I chose the road known and went into music with band and my older brother being a Senior. I chose band over art and I believe that is what my family desired and I did so mostly but I also experienced a lot of anxiety with performance. My sophomore year, I then chose again (out of familiarity and desires) to go into band again instead of art and this time it was because of a boy. The regret I have or at least the do-differently I would have done is I would have chosen art…if I would have had the courage and been able to let go of expectations and familiarity. I did not give myself permission.

My writing was my main mode of artistic expression for years and doing various projects until while in graduate school in Louisville, KY I met up with one of Mark’s coworkers, Cheryl and she introduced me to card making and from card-making I went into my own version of scrapbooking with my friend Candy in Jasper, IN and from making gifts then I felt led to give towards desiring to paint. I felt inspired by Ali Edward’s version of scrapbooking and documenting life. I used to read her blog almost every day for at least 4 years and from there I was introduced to Kelly Rae Roberts and her paintings. Her mantras on her paintings resonated with me so strongly. They were thoughts I had a lot and felt while doing therapy with others but I could never pin-point how to make my thoughts manifested into real life as she was able to do so.

I’m one who wants to go against the rules and not for the purpose of rebellion but for the simple truth that I enjoy adventure and I long to feel joy and not failure or disappointment. I want to experience life in the present moment and experiment with things. My small group at church went through Chazown and grew through writing out our Core Values, Spiritual Gifts and Past Experiences. I formed a purpose statement that has helped to direct me (nie push me) into some new directions. Hence, in April 2014, I took a risk and committed to Kelly Rae’s e-course Hello Soul, Hello Mantra with courage and seeking a change in mindset. Then almost one year ago today, I accepted a new position and transitioned into a NICU role very different from my previous medical social worker role at the hospital.

Since the e-course, I have created paintings and projects of love and purpose for people in my life that I felt led to do. The Lord has shown me parts of myself and some passions I did not know existed through the NICU role. AND I want to be creative with running and making it not just about myself but about others and about viewing oneself with grace and with respect and thwarting the darkness and negativity that pulls us all down at some point.

What I really desire is a tribe, a community of like-minded women to be encouraging to and to be encouraged by. I want to be surrounded by those who don’t know what they are doing creatively and yet they are doing it.

Inspired by....

* the making of a new real friendship/mentorship
* reminding myself that God has made me for His Purpose and that there is significance in that ALONE
* remembering how I want to be a "real" minister's wife and will tell you respectfully what I think
* the fact that at one point in time and sometimes still now, I'd like to have an eyebrow ring :)
* the little person moving in my belly who seems to want to tell me to keep eating his favorite foods (tomatoes, sugary candy, cheesy popcorn, waffles with peanut butter & raisins, Kraft mac & cheese, wraps)
* the 3-year-old making faces at me across the dining table and thinking he's hilarious
* the unknown...knowing somehow in 3 years I'll know why it happened that way...
* these pictures & sayings:

Yes I AM Different

just realized that from a conversation with a client that I AM different after all...our past prepares us for our future and by golly - I'll be preparing my kids through my experience with pain and life's chaos --- just thought that was cool

Different? or not...

I don't know why I think I'm different...but I do.

(NOTE: a revealing post - please do not read further if you desire to see me as an "all-together" person who is always "with it"

Maybe it's my intention or fierce passion to not be a typical "minister's wife" but I guess I am ----- the supportive, caring, compassionate wife who is willing (most of the time) to put her schedule off for his...the understanding listener...modest dresser...and mother who chases around the toddler at church all while daddy shakes people's hands, listens to their stories and is a guide to a weary world.

Maybe it's the "you'd have to know my past" to be able to understand why I want to understand people so much or to be understood. Is it the depression? the postpartum depression? the anxiety that roams my mind? the experiences I had while struggling with a big vice for 8 years? the hurting? the college basketball player who fell short of glory & her potential? the teen who couldn't meet her own expectations or who criticized her body image so much that her view was distorted? the perfectionist who cried herself to sleep or didn't sleep when a term paper was due even on a topic she loved? the little girl who had so much security and confidence about herself until "that relationship or incident happened"? the grad student who wanted to become someone else and reinvented herself? the client sitting in front of the "experts" who were to help her but instead they pigeon-holed her and placed her in a box because she had to be "just like everyone else and that is why she struggled with this or that"? the isolated hermit in her dorm room who seriously contemplated ending everything?

Or maybe I think I'm different because I'm a dreamer, who peruses creative blogs and dreams of creating awesome/meaningful gifts for friends, journals, prints, frames, patterns, quotes, ideas, ideals...freedom...

Maybe it's the not-so-normal mother who struggles to play with her child out of anxiety that he will throw a fit becoming more independent as he needs to, the mom who doesn't want for sugar to touch her baby boy's lips (though realistically in moderation it's ok and she knows that), the mom who doesn't want to be defined by "mom" and plays a tug-of-war with her identity.

Or maybe the woman who knows that perfection isn't attainable and that imperfection really is beautiful, that authenticity and truth are more important than facades and perceived belonging, that friendships which are deep are worth the time but those that are surfacey might as well take a hike, the woman who seeks tranquility while enjoying adventure.

Maybe it's the runner in me who has more of a female softball player's build, who defies quickness and embraces participation over speed, who runs to transform her mind, heart and body, who sees her shorts rubbing against her thighs but realizes it is part of the territory, whose love handles are a-plenty and whose aim is to feel good and feel better.

She comes together, she is me, she is different but not really.