Beginning Again

Wow, 2022 into 2023 was a ride like nothing I anticipated!

I was working at writing in 2022 and came across an email in my inbox from a recruiter at Cincinnati Children's. I was curious, but not overly interested as I had not been working outside the home (as I was doing my own thing with coaching and art and whatnot). 

But this email and this job description peaked my interest because of working with women with depression; specifically postpartum moms. What? There's a job for this!!?? Cool! So I let it sit with me for a couple of days and then discussed with my husband that I just wondered about doing an interview. Well, one thing led to another and to another and the ball began rolling. We set a start date in June 2022 while credentialling for being medical staff was approved and they would prepare to bring me on.

Whew, what I did not anticipate was how working from home with my boys over the summer was HARD and I began to see some of my healthy habits shifting. I became more focused on working, striving and pouring top energy into doing therapy for these women, connecting with the pediatric clinics and cultivating new systems in my life. 

And as winter months came, I ate and ate and ate, and I stopped working out like I had been because "I'd rather focus on the next session." Gradually I watched the scale go up and my clothes become tighter. Every week, I could see what direction I was going and quarterly I would re-evaluate, but not fully commit.

Fastforward to today and I'm more than 15-17 pounds heavier, have less muscle, have much less energy and sit most of my work days (whether driving to home therapy sessions to sit or sitting in front of a screen for telehealth sessions). I'm lucky if I get 5,000 steps!

I have LOVED BODI (beachbody on demand), but the choice fatigue continued to hit me, and I just didn't feel like moving like I used to-especially if it was 30 minutes or more. Forget about 45 minutes! What full-time working mom has 45 minutes to sweat and then clean up! And I was not about to sacrifice my sleep (that was Kara in her 30's, she is now in her 40's).

So this is Day ONE of using a different Lifestyle and Nutrition Company's resources and custom meal plan. This time I paid for a customized meal plan because although I KNOW how to develop a meal plan and do ALL the steps. I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT. I want someone else to do it for me and sure enough, it is working. She (the coach) calculated out my appropriate macros and caloric intake and now I simply have to follow it "mostly". I do substitutes for proteins, carbs, veggies or fruits if I need to.

I JUST NEED A MINDSET SHIFT. I still love BODI, but sometimes it just becomes repetitive. So cheers to day one!!

Welcome to 2024 :: Cultivating Aliveness

 Welcome to 2024 ::  Cultivating Aliveness

2023 brought A LOT of growth for our family and various challenges (again a normal year for us): 

• Mark began his podcast "Mental Health and Ministry" and has interviewed several people. It has been life-giving for him and frankly he's really, really good at it. He discusses depression in ministry and how to support someone who is struggling. 

• Kara completed one year with Cincinnati Children's in June with pioneering the Moving Beyond Depression program working with postpartum mothers and mothers of 0-3 year olds with maternal depression. It has been exciting and exhausting and she did put herself to the side along the way. Her self-care has had good rhythms and not so good rhythms. In the end, she is ready for a recalibration of serious magnitude and to pursue vitality.

• Ian began 9th grade and began playing soccer last spring FOR THE FIRST TIME, ran Cross Country again and in his free time enjoys playing computer games, at one point playing chess, rapping songs and working out. He did start a McDonald's job in the summer and did really well, but he learned that working in fast-food is not where he wants to be, but it really helped him grow as a person. "People are mean mom!" "Yes, yes they can be," I agreed.

• Elijah began 5th grade, remains fascinated by dinosaurs, played soccer again and specifically Goalie position this past Fall, and enjoys playing Roblox, Fortnite and Nitro Typing in his free time.

• Katie is 8 years old now, still loves to cuddle in your face, bait Ivy into take her raw-hides so she can grab them back and continues to love car rides.

• Ivy is 3 and a half years old and plays like a puppy with zoomy fits and then long naps. She still sits like a princess and growls like a bear. She is remains submissive but her growl scares things away.

• We are very grateful for God’s continued faithfulness, peace and His humor. We have seen so much growth in both of our boys and in ourselves. We look forward to see how His hand works this year. Much Love to you! 

• The Messmores

The Beautiful Creative Chaos

I have never been able to put words to the beautiful creative chaos that happens when I have painted or done some project with my hands. But yes, this is true quotes from Kelly Rae sums it up:

I have learned over the years as a creative that when inspiration hits, all balance goes out the window and your whole life gets tossed into the air. Everything is chaos and unorganized and untethered while Spirit uses us to weave magic and beauty and cohesion from the tossed up pieces. 

I find that I sort of lose my sense of center and groundedness while I'm up in the air swirling about in creation mode. When all the dust settles, restoration is essential while I quiet it all back down, and in a way come back down and ground out. Any other creatives go through this process? Please say yes. 

After going through this process more than once over the years, I've learned to pause. To celebrate. To give gratitude to the process and the people that made and will continue to make it happen. To reconnect with my friends and myself. To be present. #SeekBrighterTreasures  

AND in fact the last 2 years I have kept an organized home and it's driven me somewhat nuts because I have not allowed myself to paint or really create with my hands. They are always cleaning up or organizing. It makes sense. I have allowed the dust to settle and have been re-grounding into something new. It's inspiring.

Confession :: I am an Adrenaline Junkie

I am an Adrenaline junkie. 
It's a realization that I had not considered until recently.

In the past I have tried to maintain a balance of how much daily caffeine or sugar I allow myself to have, simply because I know it impacts my moods. The "high" is nice but the crash is not.

Within the last 3 weeks I have experienced various "withdrawal" symptoms, including body aches, fatigue, racing thoughts and what seems like my heart skipping beats. I have watched my pulse and I can see somewhat when it happens.

Yesterday I thought was going into a panic attack of some sort but then realized I had drank my pre-workout drink (that has caffeine) but that I hadn't began my workout yet in the allotted time and so my heart-rate increased while I was sitting still.

The Adrenaline part is fascinating though because I am one who becomes determined when I have deadlines. When there are events to plan and people to contact and projects to finish I can put my game face on. It usually begins with a little anxiety knowing that something must be done and then my body gives me a shot of adrenaline that helps me propel forward.

However, I have developed a tolerance level and need more adrenaline in order to keep up the same pace. It's the same thing when a friend in crisis reaches out to me and I see an opportunity to help or encourage. I get a shot of adrenaline. But this has become a cycle, because after all the adrenaline is gone then I crash.
AND I crash hard.

I used to believe that my "shutdown" was because of major stressors, but now I have come to see that this is a pattern. I go, go, go and then crash. My body shuts down, my mind goes into a fog and if I am not careful to fuel it with healthy food as well as healthy mindsets then I almost black out.

My husband and boys can attest to this. I have to go into my bedroom, shut off the lights and shut out the world and just lay there and try to sleep it off. It's miserable and it has to stop.

A story of Redemption rather than a story of Perfection.

In 2018-2019, I experienced major heartbreak and darkness. It was shocking. My family and I are still feeling the impact many months later. There has continued to be a ripple effect of new-normals that have been painful, alongside re-injuries that happen when dealing with relationships and human beings. The details may stay muted, but in time, everyone will know a fuller story.

I share this pain, not for sympathy, but because I want to offer a glimpse of how I've gone through the pain and disappointment. Life does not necessarily turn out how we would like it to be. When we do a 5 or 10 year plan, there is so much that is out of our control and variables we will never see. The plot twists, diagnoses, betrayals, side-conversations, broken friendships, misunderstandings, weight of the world and I could go on.

But as I am learning, I'd rather see a story of redemption rather than a story of perfection. I'd rather replace the habit of mindlessly consuming with the practice of creating. I'd rather contribute beauty to this world than give out bitterness.

The Courage to Let Go begins with the Willingness to Walk-Away
The Problem is Never the Things rather the Problem is our Attachment to Things

Growth

 My Response to Growth Emails
"So blow my mind, change my heart, help me live more alive and in tune with my core values."

This is the response I have to those emails I get in my inbox that ask me to attend their "free" webinars, trainings or sale-pitches of their life-changing products or coaching seminars.

If we all want transformation and continued growth, wouldn't MORE always be best?

I'm learning that the very opposite, much to my own shagrin, is truer. 
I like more and maximizing every little simple thing even if it comes down to my thoughts which equals overthinking and overanalyzing.

My Growth - Minimizing

Minimizing and subtracting from my life and my thoughts has almost always brought needed growth and intentionality. It breaks me away from all the distractions and excess that my head and my heart leans towards.

Minimizing leans me into the Mystery of Myself.

What I have found is that as I lean in, my time and priorities often change and look more like: Listening to the whispers in my soul. Letting go of previous ideals. Scaling back my expectations for how I "should" be using my time. Limiting social media and unsubscribing from email lists. Deleting duplicate photos and screenshots I have saved to help me be more "productive". Doing more with the less that I have. Taking action in practicing what I preach - "less is more" and leaning into God's Biblical Wisdom while also gleaning from the experiences of others. Rediscovering the wild world around us and observing.

Advice from Kelly Rae Roberts

....consider getting reacquainted with yourself. Go somewhere - anywhere - where you feel deeply alive. Maybe it's visiting a city where formative years were spent. Maybe it's visiting with an old friend that knew you when. Maybe it's visiting older journals. Either way, allow this version of yourself to speak to you from where you are now. Allow her to guide your next move while also celebrating all that you created in that previous season of your life. If you need, grieve that previous season/version. And then let the gifts from that season help you pave the next path. Life is magical. 

Step deeper into the Mystery.

Trust that you are exactly where you need to be.
Own your story, let your light be a guide for another.
Allow your story and the paths you have traveled to inform and help you remember God's faithfulness.
Share and celebrate your quirks and what makes you "You", because it is a superpower.
Now THAT is Growth.

How to Write Your Faith Journey :: Part Two :: My Path to Art

In looking at my faith journey early on, it makes sense that I would pursue Social Work out of a righteous pursuit for justice for the marginalized or poor population and to seek to extend mercy to others. My faith fueled my desire to help others who weren't understood, especially since I rarely felt misunderstood as an adolescence. Goodness, I still feel misunderstood even now.

I don't like placing people into boxes, diagnoses and labels; even if there is some benefits to this method due to research and evidence-based practice. Sometimes many people can be helped with one method but often many others fall through the cracks because we created this box for them. So for me, I pursued this profession rather than art, because I felt my faith wanted to see concrete outcomes in healing (i.e. witness transformations).

Social Work led me into reliable income and provided an identity as healer. I wanted to be who I needed most when I was younger essentially. This sounds all-well and good and was meant for good. But I believe that I might have missed out on the "great" by pursuing conventional means to see concrete outcomes.

It took burnout in my NICU Social Work role and complex family life to FINALLY reconnect me fully with the art that had fed my soul in childhood. I went through the Chazown process (pursuing my life purpose and mission) through Lifechurch.tv and was able to create a mission statement that really spoke with my desire to help women and to allow myself to be vulnerable. I felt so boxed up at the hospital that when I came home and painted, often with Kelly Rae Roberts via her online courses, that I felt freer and more able to process through the trauma of the day.

Through this process, art was my therapy and a way to heal myself and recover from burnout. As Julia Cameron says in The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, I had been living as a shadow artist, "someone who loves art, did art as a child and is surrounded by artists, but is not creating art." As I painted I would give close friends and then later coworkers specific paintings that I had in mind for them. Their reactions helped to fuel my confidence as I painted more and created life-giving messages out of my mess.

Although I am more paralyzed these days than I was initially, the spark still remains and on given days I can be found swaying in my studio in deep thought and chasing squirrels out of my head as I use my hands to create with paint.

This photo painting inspires me today.

How to Write your Faith Journey :: Part One

In a Healing Arts course I'm self-pacing myself through, I am at the time point where I am writing down my spiritual journey or as I like to call it my "Faith Journey".

I figured I'd bring you along for the ride.
It starts with questions so this is just Part One.

Think about your Spiritual DNA :: what traditions religious or not did you grow up with? Were you ever introduced to a faith? Faith being the assurance of what we hope for and what we cannot yet see...
* faith in Jesus Christ as your Savior, dying on a cross in crucifixion so that you can receive grace for your sins (debts against God)?
* faith in a humanity that all people are good?
* faith in a prophet or a person? or an inner strength?
* faith that there is or is not a Higher Power?

My Spiritual DNA includes ancestors in the Reformation Movement and denomination of The Church of the Brethren. My maternal grandparents and their parents and their parents' parents were very devout. My paternal side had Christian beliefs yet did not have involvement as much in their local church.

Today the descendants of the 16th century European movement (particularly the Baptists, Amish, Hutterites, Mennonites, Church of the Brethren, and Brethren in Christ) are the most common bodies referred to as Anabaptist. Early history of the Brethren began in 1708 when a group of eight Christians organized themselves under the leadership of Alexander Mack (1679–1735) into a church and baptized one another in Schwarzenau, Germany, now part of Bad Berleburg in North Rhine-Westphalia. Hence, the Brethren Church that I eventually attended from 5 years of age to adulthood is one of several groups that traces its origins back to the Schwarzenau Brethren of Germany.

The reform issue precipitated a three-way split among the Brethren in the early 1880s. The beliefs and practices of the Brethren churches are reflective of their early influences. They accept no creed but the teaching of the New Testament and stress obedience to Jesus Christ and a simple way of life. In fact, I grew up near a church camp called "Camp Mack". 

Of course I didn't know all of this when I was growing up. I simply knew and was taught that the Bible is the God's Living Word. And I believed it and still do.
"What is the living Word? What does it mean that the Bible is the living Word of God?"

Answer: According to Hebrews 4:12, “the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” The “word of God” here is the written or spoken Word, not the Logos of John 1. The ESV says that the Bible is “living” and active.

The description of the Bible as “living” means that it has a vital power inherent to itself. The written Word of God accomplishes God’s purposes (Isaiah 55:11); the preaching of the Holy Scriptures brings about God’s desired effects. The Bible is unlike other books, whatever emotional or social effects they may produce, in that it brings about lasting, supernatural change within a person. “Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ” (Romans 10:17).

Jesus likened the Word of God to seed in His parable of the sower (Matthew 13:1–23). Seed, like the Bible, is not dead, but living, and it has the ability to bring forth more life abundantly. Seeds produce a crop (verse 23).

The Bible, as the living Word of God, is not inert or powerless, as seen in the actions attributed to the Word in the rest of Hebrews 4:12: the Bible “penetrates” deep within us and “judges” our hearts and motivations. It is “active,” not passive. The Bible is resisted or ignored to our own peril (Hebrews 2:1–3).

We see the living Word of God in action in the pages of the Bible. On the Day of Pentecost, Peter preached the Word of God, and his audience “were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, ‘Brothers, what shall we do?’” (Acts 2:37). Three thousand people were saved that day (verse 41). Later, as the apostles continued to preach, the number in the church grew to five thousand, because “many of those who had heard the word believed” (Acts 4:4, ESV). God’s Word, living and active, does not return to Him void.

The Bible is the living Word of God because it is the message given to us from the “living God” (Hebrews 3:12). The God who is alive works in this world through His living Word in conjunction with the Holy Spirit (see Ephesians 6:17). Jesus spoke of the life-giving property of His words: “The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life” (John 6:63). The word of our Lord is efficacious for our salvation and sanctification (Acts 13:48; John 17:17).

Other indications that the Word of God is alive include the facts that it sustains man (Luke 4:4), it brings faith (Romans 10:17), it has freedom to accomplish God’s will (2 Timothy 2:9), it can be maligned (Titus 2:5), it gives spiritual birth (1 Peter 1:23), and it abides within believers (1 John 2:14).

We see the living Word of God in action every time a sinner repents and turns to Christ for eternal life. The believer’s changed life bears testimony to the living, active power of the Bible. Commentator Matthew Henry wrote of the Bible that it “convinces powerfully, converts powerfully, and comforts powerfully. It makes a soul that has long been proud, to be humble; and a perverse spirit, to be meek and obedient. Sinful habits, that have become as it were natural to the soul, and rooted deeply in it, are separated and cut off by this sword. It will discover to men their thoughts and purposes, the vileness of many, the bad principles they are moved by, the sinful ends they act to” (Concise Commentary on the Whole Bible, Hebrews 4:11–16).

The living Word is active in the lives of those who receive it. According to the psalmist, the person who meditates on and delights in the Word will be “like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither” (Psalm 1:2–3). The Scriptures today are often downplayed in favor of man made philosophies, personal experiences, or a “new” word from God. But the Bible cannot be ignored as if it were dead or obsolete. The Word of God is still powerful and very much alive. “We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts” (2 Peter 1:19).

My Memory: I remember sitting with my dog, Tippy in the back yard and telling him at the age of 5-6 about Jesus' love and the gospel message that Jesus died and came back to life as a sacrifice to atone (make-up) for my sins. He was the best listener as a collie/beagle mix.

So were there any Scriptures or text that your family considered Sacred? Were you Catholic? Were you brought up to respect the Koran?

I grew up with prayer before almost every meal and sometimes at night before bed. Occasionally we would do devotions. I would go to classes at the church, attend Vacation Bible School and eat fellowship meals then play in the gym. My mother would play the piano and sing hymns. I also learned to sing along with her and to develop some skill on the piano (some is a very loose term). I enjoyed church for the craft activities and the continually learning of how this man was born as a baby (Christmas!) and then had a ministry with his rag-tag group of friends (disciples) going throughout the country side speaking of God's love and doing miracles also became hated and was killed. He rose from the dead, "how cool is that?" I remember Palm Sundays holding Palms and waving them to imitate Jesus' entrance into Jerusalem before Passover.

We sang songs (I loved singing) and coloring Bible pages. It was just something that I did and didn't think much of it until middle school when my worldview was challenged and trauma entered my life.

At that time, I realized that my faith...really wasn't mine. It was my parents' views and I had a decision to make as to whether this would be my own beliefs or not. I couldn't shake the faith in Christ or God-existence piece. I felt a presence of peace and calm even when I was in devastating-to-me circumstances. I read on Biblical topics of love, acceptance, no favoritism, sexual purity, compassion, kind words, heaven and hell and how to live through struggle. As I read more about suffering that's when some seeds were planted for my own faith; yet, I did not understand why people particularly in the church didn't have any helpful dialogue about issues of the day (i.e. sex and young people living together, LGB subjects , corruption and lying in business, family abuse, pornography, divorce, rape). There was discussion about 'right and wrong' and 'black and white' but that was it. No compassion or attempt of understanding for what these subjects meant for anyone suffering in silence. 

Through a friend I was exposed to differing worldviews and ultimately groomed to view this person as an idol. This person was older and "so much more mature and wise". Now I look back and realize they were definitely abused somehow, part of a dysfunctional family living through the experience of divorce and having no faith background. 

I can see why I began to crave answers to my new questions and new emotions that adolescence and of course puberty brought up. You may ask, where were your parents?

They were right next to me...concerned. VERY concerned and could see the change in me. But during this time I read and wrote and read more Biblically than I had before and now I realize...through pain, rejection and suffering...that is when MY Faith was beginning to come alive.

To be a _________ without Losing Your Mind

In my previous social work/counseling "lives" (5/9) that I have done over the past 14+ years including internships, I have found what environments I become small in and which ones I thrive through. I have recognized the "seasoned" workers who seek excellence in all they do and continue to evolve and grow and I have recognized the "tenure" workers who have settled into mantras of comfort and avoidance of rocking any boats.

The tenure workers see change coming and simply sit back because "they've seen it all before" and although they share their feedback...business continues as usual. They settle. They remain in their corners with their heads ducked to the side so as not to be seen because it's a "job". They await their next vacation or time off. As much as I respect their stability, I deeply mourn their lack of tenacity and passion.

In each environment...(marriage and family therapy, counseling, private agency, community home health, hospital: rural and urban; psychiatric and various units), I have sensed the need for improvement in how to help healers to heal while they are helping others. Mental health professionals and healthcare professionals are healers even if they also have to be paper pushers, insurance negotiators and policy puppets (no disrespect intended). We need healthier outlets, time for reflection and an acknowledgement that healing work is hard, complicated and complex.

So in order to NOT LOSE YOUR MIND...____________ (i.e. healers) need:

A Supportive Community :: what the world needs = you to come alive
   We are made for community. We need people behind us, in front of us and beside us. We co-create     our perspectives.

A Simple Path :: there is a path and you're already on it
   We fear we don't have what it takes, or that we are wasting our time. We must continue and not
   think too much but have a plan. Growth can come through recognition.

Share yourself: it's not about self-promotion :: self-promoting is gross but helping is kind.
   Share your work with joy and creativity. Be yourself as you are. "There you are...how can I help?"

I want to invite you into considering how your gift can impact others in your community, neighborhood, or trained profession.

There you are caregivers...there you are healers...how can I help you? How can I encourage you? How can I offer soul space for you to also receive healing and remain thriving? How can I help you replenish your body, mind and spirit so you can then continue to help others?

This is where I am, this is what I think about and this is where I have been stuck for two years after resigning from work. Wondering, wondering how God would use me again. Wondering how I need to risk.

STRUGGLE to PERSISTENCE to FREEDOM

Read this post while listening to: 3055 by Olafur Arnalds on Made In Iceland 1 (thank you Pandora) because that is what I'm listening to as I write.

Why? because this is raw and cool and real. If I would have told myself even 2 years ago or a year ago that I would be where I am at in life I would have laughed and said, "well, that's nice but I don't understand how all of that is going to happen! So I'll just keep running because that is what I know how to do."

Jump to November 7, 2015 and running my fastest marathon 3:53 which was pretty cool and took a lot of heart and training and an entire focus on God's mission in my life. Scripture listening, crazy mileage training and I finished it under my goal time. I didn't believe but others did and told me. I didn't believe but God did and He knew. He was preparing me to begin to believe other bigger things. Like that I could be the mother to my boys I had hoped to be and not so distracted or chasing after professional endeavors with my passion. That I could be passionate about them while not losing my own dreams.

I toned up a little while running all those miles but still continued to struggle to keep my appetite and cravings in check. Fast forward to June 1, 2016. After realizing that God was asking me to do something I clearly had a hesitance towards: I decided to BELIEVE HIM and not care so much about the perceptions of others.

He has called me to focus on physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. I just needed additional tools. He has used a partnership with Beachbody (fitness programs, nutrition and accountability) and drinking a superfood shake to alter my perception of myself and of portion control. He has removed 10 lbs from my body of STRUGGLE through obedience and given me confidence in CHOICE over my cravings and helped to take some of them away. He helped me pursue PERSISTENCE and not perfection. AND THE MOST FANTASTIC PART OF THIS...He prepared me to HELP others through my own struggle. It's not about the money and selling, it's not about the #'s but it is about heart and it is about releasing strongholds. This is not something I take lightly.

So yes I may invite you to something but that is only because I feel LED and because there is something in you that made me think "yes, I'd love for them to realize a dream and to believe they can do it with God's help." It's about FREEDOM.

I truly am seeking my tribe - those that have struggled and want to stop surviving and THRIVE. I care not only about you physically (let's get healthy), BUT ALSO emotionally (let's smash depression/anxiety), mentally (let's squash negative scripts we tell ourselves) and spiritually (let's hold fast to the faith that God is working for our good and we desire Him). #madeformore #graceanddetermination I think I need another page to express gratitude for this journey. I will fall AND I will get back up. #getreadyforchallengegroupswithmeat!!! If you are triggered by this post then that means God may be stirring something in you to face a fear. We are skeptical because we are UNCERTAIN. I'm finding my Beautiful and I LIKE MY BEAUTIFUL. Be Blessed.

Transition :: Change, it's what's for Dinner

IT'S BEEN 8 WEEKS! –I transitioned to part-time about 8 weeks ago and it's been very good, HARD, yet very good. Any change in life is hard and full of uncertainties and I'm still navigating these uncertainties. But the even little-bit-more space in my head to create and think about doing something other than exercise, work, food, wash, homework, bed-time AND repeat has been very healthy. God has shown me weaknesses I've known that I have had but haven't had to exactly face yet and now He has me ready to face them. He has me ready to move forward and to trust and to BELIEVE that He is good and HE IS ABLE.  –It's no secret that I struggle with depression and this past year's burn-out moved me deceptively into a functional-yet-paralyzing depression; whereby, it was hard to concentrate, focus on one thing at a time, my thoughts raced, my anxiety over the littlest things was hightened and my overall sense of well-being was depleted. I LOVE what I get to do at the hospital (Perinatal ICU & Neonatal ICU Social Worker) and the sacred moments I encounter daily; however, I was no longer able to give of myself to my loved ones outside of work. I still believe that this work is what I am called to do BUT I know there is so much MORE He has in store for me. I know that painting is suppose to blossom into helping others and guiding them through hard times. I know that running and fitness in my life is to take on a life of its own to help others to move forward. I know that this life is NOT my own. –I am learning that what I am learning right now is preparing me for next steps and I need to share this. MY MESS IS MY MESSAGE. I struggle like everyone else does; yet I want to strive and overcome and trust and persevere. Darkness has a purpose in my life and His light is suppose to come out of it and not for my glory but for God's. I wish so many of my friends could understand this but they continue to chase meaningless things. I don't want to chase meaningless things. A LITTLE OF WHAT’S HAPPENING... –So many springtime colors around here!! Birds hatching and their mothers feeding them in their nests, in our yard! –Enjoying the sunshine - I don't ever want to take that for granted. –Beginning the process of dreaming about Redecorating and repurposing and re-falling-in-love with my home... –The boys are growing, growing, growing. My patience has increased with not being so rushed all the time. And I'm slower to anger (check with me tomorrow to see if this still stands *wink*). –Being able to do more things so that Mark doesn't have to carry almost the entire load like he was before. Watching him begin to pursue some new things for himself –Pursuing self-development again and recalibrating goals –ABOUT TO JUMP OFF THE ADOPTION CLIFF!!!! Ah our electronic Profile is ready, we have Profile books sent to the Adoption Agency to submit to birthmothers when we choose AND this is crazy talk people!!

The last 3 days....

Here is what I've discovered in the last 48 hours. I'm restless...I'm restless right now because of the questions I have for God regarding particular parts of my life...and He has not answered them yet.

It wasn't until I was texting with my friend that I realized that we were both feeling this way and it got me wondering...if you aren't feeling this way too? Restless...having a hard time resting, wanting to know more answers, almost or rather not almost but just mad at God that some things are not yet revealed to you about:

your purpose

your family direction

_______________________________

_______________________________

_______________________________

Here are some of my areas (ironically or not they are some of the same ones I had a year ago)...

my purpose covering: my job to my church community amongst other areas

family direction with activities 

ADOPTION

God taught me something else yesterday morning. BEING VULNERABLE with another person (besides your spouse) IS SO HARD AND HE WILL CALL YOU TO THIS. He wants you to share the struggle so that another can come beside you and help lift the burden. Someone physical as well that you might not yet have a trust with....oh it's scary. 

But through vulnerability you receive courage and energy to keep moving forward.  It's ok not to be ok.

Right Now :: May 17, 2014

Right now, I'm sitting after a full-day of fun and spontaneous activity including: running 8 miles with Mark this morning (after one full year since the last time we did it together - thank you MOM!); having a great morning coloring the new cardboard train that we built together (well sort of, Mark & I put it together while the boys ran in and out of it), sitting down the couch with Mark in the basement (which is rare these days) and just saying random things to Ian like "is the TV's name Roger?" "what about the duck?" "I'd like to be a unicorn, ok Charlie".

 

Deciding to have a meal at TGI Fridays, finding a free appetizer coupon and sitting through a meal of Elijah firmly stating "no" to everything. Mark and I saying "grrrr" and rolling with it. Hanging out at Five Below store and then heading home for much-needed naps.

Waking up to Ian standing and staring at the closet in his room and then exclaiming "MY LIGHT TURN YELLOW AND I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT BECAUSE I was standing and staring Mommy!" --> Wow that's a new concept!

The boys playing in the dirt and with our neighbor and guided by mommy to use shovels and buckets (at least an hour of playing I think, unassisted?).

Then hanging with some close friends, painting, parenting and eating. LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY. I don't want this day to end but it must.

AND RIGHT NOW.... focusing on "This One Thing" sermon that I listened to this last week of Andy Stanley's and had begun "God is Able" by Priscilla Shirer but gave it away because I knew that my friend needed it right now. God has a funny way of giving things and taking them away for our good.

But God is and will be showing me these next several weeks, how to move past a habit and connecting with Jesus rather than relying and being satisfied by my own understanding. God is good, ALL the time.

Take-Aways from Cafe Chocolate March 7-8

I learned...
Extravagant Grace for Us - Laughter/Icebreaker session
* Becky Perry is simply flat out hilarious (I knew it but had not experienced in a large group yet)
* that each of us speakers were chosen by God (not coincidental) that we did the sessions we did
* that story about Jesus turning water into wine had much more significance than I had ever considered or known
   - Jesus created better wine than had already been served = his wisdom and his grace is beyond compare (it would have shamed the bride and bridegroom if there wasn't more wine) so Jesus went above and beyond
   - the wedding might have been Martha's sister Mary and disciple Thomas' ??
Extravagant Grace for our Friends
* Barefoot friends are those who go the extra mile with us - who walk with us and support us in the raw times and seasons
* it was so much fun giving the message about friends - I felt so honored and humbled
* the story about the paralyzed man's friends bringing him to Jesus and lowering him on the cot through that person's house brought out what importance, effort and possibly sacrifice it was for his friends to do the action
  - his friends cared for him so much that they went against the custom and had such faith to know that Jesus would heal him
   - in the same story Jesus stated "Your sins are forgiven" and went straight to the man's heart (Jesus didn't immediately say "get up and walk" rather he first dealt with what the man needed most...his heart)
   - it made me think about how many times I think I have to relieve a physical need for friend which is good but how much more wonderful would it be to provide an encouragement for a friend's heart?
Extravagant Grace for Those in Need - Service session
* stitching the wrap together for my grandmother was frankly hard (it looks easier until you have it in front of your face)
* it was perfect timing for us to do the craft because it brought out insecurities and possibly even frustrations (I don't claim to be a "perfectionist" but I am type A and I'd like for it to look at least the best it can)
* AND I recognize how much I hate to measure anything even with a book...I LOVE to eyeball everything
* Janet and Emily were so much fun to watch in their elements (when I wasn't slightly getting ticked at my stitching)
Extravagant Grace for our Enemies - Forgiveness session
* it was very telling to me
* Tiffany's vulnerability made the session that much more raw to me
* viewing the person I have the hardest time forgiving in the chair and letting him/her go...was hard and healing - it's a daily action
Extravagant Grace - Quiet session
* the chocolate tasting quiet time was a..w..e..s..o..m..e, maybe it was alone time, maybe it was taking the time to savor the different types of chocolates or simply it was personifying the chocolates and seeing themes in my own life
* Carolyn is just too sweet and quite funny - her sincerity is so genuine
* themes: essential ingredients of life: Jesus, His Word, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control :: nourishment of the soul includes consistency in His Word and Wisdom :: chocolate is often grown by other plants and absorbs those plant's flavors (i.e. floral, citrusy, nutty or fruity) and it was neat to see how I absorb qualities of my friends and even their laughs
* more themes: with truffles - I tend to take little bites until I get to the center and I don't immediately bite into it...I relate this also to how I develop friendships - I take little bites until I know I can trust
"The Lord doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart." Samuel 16:7
* Like Dark Chocolate "Sometimes God uses bitter times in our lives to bring richness in our relationship with him or in our character." --> through change He moves me into a willingness to move out of my comfort zone
Extravagant Grace for My Sins
God's grace is life-giving...to me..."how is my life different because of God's grace?"
* I'm not paralyzed in fear and anxiety
* I'm not a slave to myself and my fears
* He's shown me I am 'made for more'
* Laura has a way with words and wisdom - I'm in awe of her ability to relate to even those of our world who are deemed "disabled" or "special needs"

Lastly, worship - the take-away was that of allowing myself to be drawn to the words of songs that I did not know but knew that God would transform my heart through. Kara Joy and Pat made it easier to sing louder especially when Pat would look right at me and smile.

I also learned that when God tells you to do something...you do it. Amanda showed this and I know His Spirit's voice but often silence Him if it inconveniences me or makes me feel uncomfortable. But the more I silence Him...the less likely I am to hear Him.

Change, change, change...going back to CCJ...

 He doesn't look too much different.

  

  

 

 

 

This post won't do justice to my feelings or the experience of leaving Troy for a few days to go back to Jasper. There are some similarities between the communities but huge differences in the scenarios and individual growth in myself. Yet we were called to go to both communities and have been called to love people.

My role at CCJ looked very different than here at TCC. My personality was/is pretty much the same but man have I grown in motherhood & in my relationship with Christ and will continue to grow here in Ohio. When you look back and go back you realize all over again why such struggles occurred...why such friendships grew or fell out...why you were so confused at times about certain things and didn't pursue them. Hindsight is 20/20 and yet there would have been some decisions that I would have made quicker or another path I might have taken but if I would have, my heart may not have grown the way it did.

It was pretty surreal driving back there and I think it did help that Mark was preaching rather than us just 'visiting' because it helped me to feel more connected. Although children were taller, families looked a little different and staff were added & changed-it didn't feel all that different. And maybe that was the eerie part. The part of that, that made me stop and think "wait a second, but 2 years have gone by and here we are with Ian-5 and Elijah 16 months". It didn't take long to remind myself once the 1400 people came and went that time has moved forward...because I also remember the overwhelming feeling I'd feel most Sundays with not knowing so many people. It's just a different animal.

Now my role is different and I work full-time whereas I did not in Jasper. I was pretty connected with the community there with coaching but not yet here. My time here is a "wait and see"..."give it time"..."give yourself grace and understand that there is a bigger picture going on". It's more about obedience than it is about what I want (and I want many things by the way) but I know they are not all good for me.

So here is to hanging with people Saturday night, feeling connected with them again and watching our boys have a blast. Here is to experiencing such a vibrant and ever-changing environment. Here is to not sleeping much and having our boys do the same -- eeeekkkkkk. And here is to traveling through hilly country and staying with dear life-long friends. It's not goodbye, just see you later.

Lastly, a toast to where God has brought us. To the mystery that awaits us and the new life-long friendships, the new families we meet at TCC and in the community, our current core group who supports us and my coworkers whom I seriously adore. Here's to a new journey "in a roller-coaster of a different color" as I've stated before. Here's to a church family who I think is ready for new changes and to move forward...to a wonderful group of women I get to be a part of and to an awesome student and children's ministries for my boys to grow up in. So yes, it's different and I'm different. Here's to new roads to be run. (But yes I'll still miss Jasper - even with a Penn Station, KOHL's, Coldstone, Red Lobster..etc..etc only 10 minutes away now).  Cheers!