Beginning Again

Wow, 2022 into 2023 was a ride like nothing I anticipated!

I was working at writing in 2022 and came across an email in my inbox from a recruiter at Cincinnati Children's. I was curious, but not overly interested as I had not been working outside the home (as I was doing my own thing with coaching and art and whatnot). 

But this email and this job description peaked my interest because of working with women with depression; specifically postpartum moms. What? There's a job for this!!?? Cool! So I let it sit with me for a couple of days and then discussed with my husband that I just wondered about doing an interview. Well, one thing led to another and to another and the ball began rolling. We set a start date in June 2022 while credentialling for being medical staff was approved and they would prepare to bring me on.

Whew, what I did not anticipate was how working from home with my boys over the summer was HARD and I began to see some of my healthy habits shifting. I became more focused on working, striving and pouring top energy into doing therapy for these women, connecting with the pediatric clinics and cultivating new systems in my life. 

And as winter months came, I ate and ate and ate, and I stopped working out like I had been because "I'd rather focus on the next session." Gradually I watched the scale go up and my clothes become tighter. Every week, I could see what direction I was going and quarterly I would re-evaluate, but not fully commit.

Fastforward to today and I'm more than 15-17 pounds heavier, have less muscle, have much less energy and sit most of my work days (whether driving to home therapy sessions to sit or sitting in front of a screen for telehealth sessions). I'm lucky if I get 5,000 steps!

I have LOVED BODI (beachbody on demand), but the choice fatigue continued to hit me, and I just didn't feel like moving like I used to-especially if it was 30 minutes or more. Forget about 45 minutes! What full-time working mom has 45 minutes to sweat and then clean up! And I was not about to sacrifice my sleep (that was Kara in her 30's, she is now in her 40's).

So this is Day ONE of using a different Lifestyle and Nutrition Company's resources and custom meal plan. This time I paid for a customized meal plan because although I KNOW how to develop a meal plan and do ALL the steps. I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT. I want someone else to do it for me and sure enough, it is working. She (the coach) calculated out my appropriate macros and caloric intake and now I simply have to follow it "mostly". I do substitutes for proteins, carbs, veggies or fruits if I need to.

I JUST NEED A MINDSET SHIFT. I still love BODI, but sometimes it just becomes repetitive. So cheers to day one!!

Hello 2022 :: 2021 Reflection

Welcome to 2022 :: Short story, I was attacked by a dog 1/3/22 while running so cards went out late and this reflection is just now being done. 

2021 brought inspiration and various challenges (so a normal year for us): 

• Mark wrote a book “Simple Preaching Prep”, is due to release March 1st, 2022 on Amazon.

• Kara continues to write her non-fiction book “Hurt to Hope: The Way is Through, Not Out” (working title) and ran more in the Fall to build a base back.

• Ian began 7th grade and in his free time enjoys watching WWE, playing computer games and wrestling with his stuffed wrestling dummy so he doesn’t hurt his brother.

• Elijah began 3rd grade, remains fascinated by dinosaurs, digging for gem stones and fossils, and playing Roblox in his free time.

• Katie is 6 years old now, loves to cuddle in your face, bait Ivy into take her raw-hides so she can grab them back and continues to love car rides.

• Ivy is a year and half and has been with us for a year. She is still all puppy, sits like a princess and growls like bear. She is very submissive and pees upon meeting strangers.

• We are very grateful for God’s peace and His humor in these times. We look forward to see how His hand works this year. Much Love to you! 

• The Messmores

Confession :: I am an Adrenaline Junkie

I am an Adrenaline junkie. 
It's a realization that I had not considered until recently.

In the past I have tried to maintain a balance of how much daily caffeine or sugar I allow myself to have, simply because I know it impacts my moods. The "high" is nice but the crash is not.

Within the last 3 weeks I have experienced various "withdrawal" symptoms, including body aches, fatigue, racing thoughts and what seems like my heart skipping beats. I have watched my pulse and I can see somewhat when it happens.

Yesterday I thought was going into a panic attack of some sort but then realized I had drank my pre-workout drink (that has caffeine) but that I hadn't began my workout yet in the allotted time and so my heart-rate increased while I was sitting still.

The Adrenaline part is fascinating though because I am one who becomes determined when I have deadlines. When there are events to plan and people to contact and projects to finish I can put my game face on. It usually begins with a little anxiety knowing that something must be done and then my body gives me a shot of adrenaline that helps me propel forward.

However, I have developed a tolerance level and need more adrenaline in order to keep up the same pace. It's the same thing when a friend in crisis reaches out to me and I see an opportunity to help or encourage. I get a shot of adrenaline. But this has become a cycle, because after all the adrenaline is gone then I crash.
AND I crash hard.

I used to believe that my "shutdown" was because of major stressors, but now I have come to see that this is a pattern. I go, go, go and then crash. My body shuts down, my mind goes into a fog and if I am not careful to fuel it with healthy food as well as healthy mindsets then I almost black out.

My husband and boys can attest to this. I have to go into my bedroom, shut off the lights and shut out the world and just lay there and try to sleep it off. It's miserable and it has to stop.

Guilt, Apathy, Boredom

Writing often happens in my head without me ever taking the physical action to do it.
For instance, all today I have gathered thoughts that I would put down in a journal and it's how my day has sequenced itself, except I have written down absolutely nothing. I think that the reason I haven't written ANY of it down is because (internal belief) - "if I write it down then it must be true".

That is scary to me because what I have discussed in my head has to do with purpose and with intention and with God's plan in how He MIGHT use me.

Guilt, apathy and boredom have begun to infiltrate my days.

No particular direction draws me in.

Oh no one would really be able to tell as far as looking at me.
My eyes will still light up if I am engaging in a conversation especially at a function I am willingly participating in. However, when at home...inwardly, I'm in some distress.

It's an odd feeling.

There isn't any one activity that sounds fun or sounds interesting. And the activities that do sound fun or interesting...well they aren't at home. They are out and about exploring but then I have 'guilt' surrounding "what about Mark?" "what about my boys?" I can't leave them. "What about the dogs?"

My life is not my own.
My life is not my own, not because of being part of a family; although that does impact it, but rather because I willingly submit and surrender to a higher power: God, the Creator, Sustainer, His Son Jesus.

But I lose sight of this truth every time apathy walks across my path and boredom lulls me to food to get a dopamine hit. Every time I'm lulled to obsess over my skin or the future.

How easy it has become to distract me. How lonely I feel trying to "hide", because that is EXACTLY what I'm doing, HIDING. Hiding my eyes, my face, my shame, my internal conflict.

I'm tired of hiding but that's all I'll give myself permission to do; especially in friendships. Putting forth effort is hard and it is tiring anymore to me. Sitting in silence comes naturally to me these days but sitting with others now, during and after COVID...that feels more difficult.

All of this is to say that there is a lot of conversation in my head these days and it isn't necessarily helpful. I ask myself therapeutic questions and test the cognitive distortions of my thoughts...but in the end, the desire to care about it just isn't there; at least not today.

What I am Learning about Relationships: Categorized Connections

The word "friend" is used a lot these days and especially in social media as we "friend" others and make connections.

This has it's really great and positive points of feeling belonging or inclusion, but it has also watered down the significance of this word and this connection with others.

My tendency is to call my very closest female friends "sister" and I do that intentionally because I have no biological sisters so they are my sisters. I distinguish them from a friend because they know the 2% of my life. The deepest information that I would not share with just a daily friend or neighbor.

Now those whom are called "friends" in my life are those who have walked some life with me. They are more than an acquaintance. Their lives have somewhat intertwined with mine in a particular season and they often become steady companions across seasons of life. We may not speak daily, but we pick up where we left off when discussions do happen. I consider you my friend and I care deeply about how you are doing and want to help if possible and if I can. In this case, "friend" also encompasses my closer male friends who are (not coincidentally) often my "sisters'" husbands or close friends. 

Those who are not necessarily friends because the relationship has not developed deep enough and usually pleasantries and service talk happen are considered "acquaintances". Those who see me once a week on Sundays at church, by this definition are actually more acquaintances to me than solid friends. I do care about them but it is rare for me to know anything more about them except what I would possibly see on social media or if they tell me about their trip they just took or the sickness they just endured.

These classifications aren't a bad thing and they do help me to clarify boundaries around how much time and effort I would put into a particular relationship. Some seasons lend to cultivating my sisters or a particular sister during a period of time. Some seasons means I make more times for those who are real-life friends, not just screen "friends".

Unfortunately, it was during a recent season of life where I learned that these classifications can in fact become fluid due to trauma or crisis (i.e. unintentional hurt and abandonment) or misunderstandings or even political restlessness of our country. With that being said, there are times when those who are my sisters or friends may have completely different views than myself so in that case I make sure to be respectful of their views even if I am not in agreement. My view of them doesn't necessarily change unless they "come at me" and don't respect my views. I am human, but I do not intentionally move someone out of a classification just because we disagree.

However, the case with acquaintances is different because if it's a connection that is not worth cultivating then it is easy to back up from that person or people if their views are different. I tend to become more careful of what I share or how I ask them questions and in the (age of COVID) it is easier to distance myself from them. As before, I am human and it is a protective mechanism to protect myself and my family. No one will see or hear me lash out at an acquaintance and the practice of "loving my neighbor" will remain important to me.

Furthermore, those who are strangers are really neighbors whom I simply do not know yet and have not invested any time with or crossed paths. Some attempt to "friend" me on social media, but it is rare for me to accept that invitation unless there is a mutual connection or valid reason to connect.

Lastly, there are toxic people and I would consider these people of the hurting kind. The saying is true, "hurt people HURT people." I have been one of them in the past and I remain vigilant to keep myself out of this connection category. Bitterness, sarcasm, rejection, abandonment, abuse, victimhood, learned helplessness often permeate these connections. It is hard to spend time with these humans. It is even harder if he/she/they profess a Christian worldview and love for Christ. One doesn't know when the porcupine prickly spikes will come out.

Think through your current and past relationships. Are these categories something you have dealt with? Do you find that some relationships are fluid throughout the categories or do you identify them in just one category and they will remain there? How has your experience shaped how you connect with others?

Candy is one of my sisters from another mister. We haven't spoken in at least a year and maybe texted once this past year, but there is no mistaking, when we see one another I am her K-Girl and I will spill my guts to her. There are several more sisters, but this day I'm just going to post this picture of us the last time we were together.

Release Revolution :: My Story & Prayer

In this Release Revolution season, I can now see that many times I try to piece my own story together by combining others' stories. For instance, I read about how an artist came to be the artist that she is and I immediately connect with this person's story and begin to use some of their words or phrases to describe a piece of myself.

I do this and realize that I have my very own words for this time; yet, I do not trust that my words as accurate, nor as eloquent as what the other artist has said. And then it dawns of me...I don't accept my version of who I am.

It's bold...I do not fully accept the version of who I am and how I would state my season.

It's very revealing if you think about it. It's easy to use another's words and descriptions for your own life experience since you connect with it. However, we have our own words to use and our own thoughts to think.

So coming now to my story and my current prayer "Lord, please take my broken and make it beautiful," I see how my deep brokenness of this season of life may help another person. Someone else may connect with my description and even want to use my words...but I hope and encourage this person to really look into how they would describe their own season and their own brokenness. It is so revealing.

My cracks and brokenness have and will continue to leave scars on my heart, soul and skin. My prayer is that God fills those places with His beauty and uses it for His good to help another. Sometimes I find it hard to face my thoughts these days knowing that some self-pity-filled feeling may be around the corner that will convince me that I'm always going to be stuck.

It's a seductive kind of feeling and thought-process and one that leads me to begin to believe that I deserve things in this life that I really don't. Disappointment sets in and then doubt rules the day and once again I am bound to my emotions. That is not the way I want to live. Steadfast and with faith is how I want to live.

Our Reality in the "In-Between"

BUT WHAT HAPPENS IN THE IN-BETWEEN?
When living in "transition" yet, not knowing the future...future jobs, future dwelling, future friends...I know none of know the future, a part from there being an Eternity. This is just how I am describing this time for myself.

I'm sitting in a hallway with what feels like all the doors shut and the lights still on at least but there is nothing...just flat paint on the walls and baseboard and carpet or hardwood on the floor. The light fixture isn't even interesting. It just sits there on. At least it does not flicker like in a horror film! LOL

We seemingly have 'no people' anymore. We have some friends, me at my YMCA classes apart from the church setting and my husband, his online gaming community but really except for one or two couples we are in contact with...doing 'life' just isn't happening at all.

Taking the Time to Rest...but do I really?

It's a valid question, do I really take the time to rest?

Rest come in several different forms in my life including painting, reading and occasionally running can be counted. But the full on rest that my body and mind probably need is not something that I intentionally practice. Being still...resting.

Sickness is often the only way I have to stop. My mind is a restless mind of many thoughts, intentions, ideals, compassions and wonderings. It doesn't stay silent very long at all and possibly this is why God led me into motherhood with two boys because I feel that they are very much the same way. But rest and not feeling obligated to do, do, do is also needed.

What I Wish I Could Learn

I wish I could learn and pull it to my heart and not just to my head that:
* I don't need to keep "things" to feel valuable to other people (thinking I will give them gifts-half the time I forget)
* God only wants me...He will use my talents as He sees fit and in the way that it will benefit others
* that I really don't "deserve" the life that I live but must be grateful for any blessings
* that all of what I own is not really mine (it's not mine)
* that my low, deep, down-times are preparation times for seasons to come
* that if I would ever delete my facebook account, I would still be an interesting person
* that by lessening what I am distracted by will allow more room for what God wants
* that my size matters only to be healthy and not that it changes my value in God's eyes or with others
* that people-pleasing in my 20's and 30's is futile and I only serve One Master
* that my hair is never going to be a light blonde color (ever-again)
* that the little innocent girl is someone who inspires me and the simplicity of her life is something I seek again...

to be continued...

Thoughts on Right Now

With all the things I am reading (i.e. Smell Like Sheep; Leading and Loving It blog; Chazown purpose statement; pinterest boards about running, Halloween, Thanksgiving, pathways):

I caught in the mystery of: "how on earth am I to make even more time either for myself, for my kids, to be a good-creative-inspiring-godly mother and wife and to cook?!"

It's a frustrating journey at times working full-time and expecting so much of myself when I know that "simple is best" and that "less is more." I used to have a very large system of creative bones that over time have lessened and weakened to the point that I just get frustrated knowing that I can't complete the creative endeavor in the time-span that I have to accomplish it. So I don't even start it. I used to really enjoy creativity and projects.

There was a time in my life (very young though) that I thought, hey art therapy is what I'm going to do, then I picked a boy over art and music over art and well in retrospect I was just scared and wanted to stay in my comfort zone.

Each time a painting class or some sort of mixed media class pops up in my attention-span, part of me longs to just do it to see if I'd really like as much as I think I might. I might call it a regret that I didn't do it or just a shift in direction at the time.

I just wish I could be more things to more people but I can't. I know that God has made me for a specific purpose for His Kingdom and it's really not up to me - it is but I have a lot of foolish thinking that gets in the way - I'd rather be obedient and blessed rather than rebellious and filled with pride which leads to pain and hurt or in my case depression. "I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

Looking over my 32nd Year of Life

It is ALWAYS good to reflect and review another year of life. It create gratitude for where one is and reminds me that I've gone through tough stuff and have lived and I will continue to go through tough stuff and will get through it.

Last year at this time I was eagerly preparing for Elijah to enter the world and although I didn't even know his name at the time I knew that I had had a pretty awesome and moving 31st year of life. So to begin the recap of this 32nd year - I will start with random things:

most notably watched TV shows by me: "How I met Your Mother" and "New Girl"

new phrases I've told Ian a lot to learn about life: "Too bad, so sad" "Boring people get bored"

studies gone through church: Discipleship Essentials and Chazown; classes: They Smell Like Sheep

favorites moments of the year: when Eli began to sleep through the night and I would feed him before bed time and cuddle; Ian being excited about "muffin day"

most stressful time: coming back from maternity leave and not sleeping with Eli & moving during January

sadness moments: loss of John Simeon Kimmel and visiting my dear friend Karissa right after his loss; loss of Tracy and feeling so down from leaving friends in Jasper

elated moment of the year: coming home from our vacation around our anniversary time and Mark had the hall way upstairs and stair area all painted by our friend Brian (SO PSYCHED!!!)

learning moments: running inconsistencies, learning how to mother 2 children and make time for time with Mark; cleaning a bigger house isn't always fun

Run-on status: Thoughts

Did my 8 mile run this morning and it's amazing how many thoughts one person can have in that amount of time!

Ran through our neighborhood to 25A here in Troy and then on to Miami River Recreation Trail for the rest. I got to Tipp City and turned around. Through that time, my thoughts ranged from: mentoring,
to someday doing therapy again,
to the sound of the river beside me (LOVE THAT SOUND),
to how much I miss doing this,
to what really is my favorite song, phrase, color, verse,
to what I might say in my talk about Depression & Emotional Resilience coming up,
to how much I miss my parents and my "tree" back home,
to how I can't wait to have Ian and Eli along with me someday,
to isn't this 3 minutes of running over quite yet for a walk,
to I have such a great husband-wish he was with me right now,
to I can't wait to ride my bike on this trail and go into Dayton,
to what if I trained for an Ironman while working full-time and ride my bike into work and then back (how long would that take?)
to I love this jacket,
to I want to beat the pace of the runner who I just saw,
to I wish I was in better shape to go faster,
to pretty shoes!,
to I can't wait to run with Rachel Harvey in her first half marathon,
to "WOW, I'm back to training for this half marathon in just 5 weeks like I did last post-pregnancy,"
to thank you to my Heavenly Father for the gift of movement,
to being grateful for my relationship with my Savior,
to going through the timeline of this past year: moving, job, friends, baby, moving again, life.

If my body could take it all the time, I'd run all the time but it can't take it. So...triathlon again?

Beautiful Nothingness

2009's Photos from Parents House

It's amazing when you have time to literally do nothing. Here at my parents house it's a relaxing setting of just hanging out, letting the kiddos rest in the afternoon and catching up on your own thoughts. I could be ambitious and read the book I need to read, I could write to those people I've been meaning to send cards to and I could do a project for my mom...but I'd rather sit and rest and think and not do.

It's a beautiful moment to do nothing and with the intention and non-guiltness of nothing. I wish I could say that we have that built-in margin in our lives for rest and relaxation (and we somewhat do with a toddler not into activities yet) but there is still time where we could but we don't. That is something I'd like to make a priority in....creating margin to create rest times and reflection times in our home.

Non-cluttered, non "to-do's" time where you don't stare at the projects that need done but can simply be still. [It also helps being in someone else's home, you don't need to, have to or even want to change things.]

Kingdom Life - Priorities

It's true - when Mark gives a sermon, God hits me harder with its message. Today was no exception...and this ones NEEDS to stick. I distinctly remembr a Resolution List I put together back in 1999 and I found it in 2003 and was reminded how much I desired to change when I wrote it. I found that almost all had been accomplished except for the hard ones illuding to growth/wisdom/discipline.

I still struggle with discipline...obedience & following through and it does all come down to priorities...I choose to use my time to do this rather than this and now I reap the benefits or consequences. Here is my current list, a link to the sermon & the main points.

Kingdom Life: 1) Uncommon lifestyle, 2) Distinctively different Prayer life, 3) Purpose-driven Priorities

I would like to:
* not waste so much time on non-important things or hobbies (oouponing & internet surfing for deals)
* spend money only on budgeted items & necessities (stock-piling is ok at a minimal rate/depending on use)
* give sacrificially & routinely to those friends doing God's work
* focus time on Chazown things (a.k.a. use with my purpose)
- helping people (resources) & growing people (listening & running)
- making gifts
- consistently running & singing (not simultaneously)
- having a clean & non-cluttered home
* keeping those things only needed in the house:
- paper: bills, mementos in proper storage, coupons in binder, notes in boxes, announcements & cards on corkboard
- pictures on walls
- excess toys & clothes = out box
- magazines older than 6 months = out box
- notes = my Remains of the Day book
- ideas = in binder
* remind myself - I have not used it in a year and I will probably not use it - there will always be another deal & if I need it God will provide

I am Inspired by...

I got to thinking, after a friend wrote that I was an inspiration by what I was writing, about what it means to be inspiring...or to be inspired by...

So this is what I'm currently inspired by:
* my blog posts here (11-30-10) and here (12-14-10) about Resolve & fitness from one year ago (wow I was motivated and so driven!)
* people who are ultramarathoners or endurance athletes (they live it daily)
* people who give of themselves in unique ways
* mothers who still pursue their own avenues in life while caring for their children
* those women who have miscarriage after miscarriage and yet still see hope and a future for their family
* Jim Brickman (Holiday) Pandora playlist
* lists...
* my husband and his honesty with me whether I desire to hear it or not

{Chicago}: Sept. 12-14

As it goes - I haven't written in awhile and that is ok. My Chicago trip with Jill celebrating friendship, a little of my birthday and just getting away has imprinted itself on my mind. There's something about leaving your normal routine and environment that shifts the everyday mindset. You discover new things and miss other things. As much as I love the city, and I do: the hussle and bussle, the different faces and streets, the walking all the time and viewing God's creation from a different point-of-view...I welcomed back the simplicity of home, of medium-sized town, of driving town roads & state routes, of friends being near, and of not being too distracted (I hear God's voice louder in the quiet).

I'm posting some of my favorite pictures from the trip and even did a little book for Jill which I admittedly love! It has our pictures, maps and some other memoriabilia from the trip. I placed receipts in mine and other clippings. Here they are...

Crate & Barrell!

Laughing

Tastebud Tour: Gold Coast Dog

Tastebud Tour: Sugar Bliss {Cupcake Boutique}

[on 14 mile run] Content Kara

Today & Purpose

Wrote this to a friend today:
"it feels like forever that I have written a post! Purpose is an area of my life where it ebbs and flows...there are months where I think it's clicking and it is and then He moves me again to see that my purpose only lies in Him and often that means removing the present task in front of me to help me realize it is ONLY through Him. It's just this unsettled feeling and way of being that I try to learn through and move through but inevitably it rocks me to my core and frankly frustrates me....then I regroup and allow Him to move me rather than force my way through it with my pride as I have done so many times before. Humility waits... Hey I think I'll post that - that is exactly where I'm at....waiting..."

"It's good to know I'm not alone - especially on the motherhood front. I am so out of my element when it comes to mommy-isms and definitely not any type of picture of a regular mom - but then I think there is no one type of mom, we're all soooo different as our children are. I'd love to hear about any learnings or thoughts you have on where you're at and how your purpose continually develops!"

6 Weeks

As I am finding out a LOT changes in 6 weeks...

6 weeks ago I was working a week at the hospital and waiting to hear back if I had gotten a full-time job at a university to teach Pscyhology...my training run was at 9 miles after doing a 16-miler the week before, I remember it being hot, I packed my lunch each day very healthily and felt really good.

Fast forward 6 weeks, I am no longer counseling at CCJ, did not get that full-time job, am working at the hospital every Monday & filling in whenever, have a 20 miler tomorrow, and am beginning this new study "He Speaks to Me: Preparing to Hear the Voice of God" by Priscilla Shirer.

AND I'm begining to wonder what on earth will be changing for us in 6 more weeks...we might know of a new direction...will have just finished a mini-marathon or my 5th full marathon (depending on my desire & fitness) in Indy and may be preparing to work more hours at the hospital.

6 Weeks a lot changes...one day at a time...oh and I'll be 31 years old by then! Wow year 30 went by so fast!

The Beginning of our Fall...

* dreaming of leaves/colors/sweatshirts

* football, football, OSU football
* clearing out the outdoor areas
* changing of colors in my mind
* my birthday is comin' up! (3-1)
* upcoming trips & races
- Chicago with Jill
- OSU football game & family visit
- Indy Race (marathon/mini-marathon)
- another mini-marathon race?
- Thanksgiving
* shopping for warmer running clothes
* new shoes for Ian!

This Won't Make Sense...

It's a place I'd rather not be...a place of indecisiveness and stress but in order to de-stress it completely takes away feeling and just "is".

My heart doesn't bleed for others, it is once again numb and it desires to stay that way but in this non-feelingness it is unfulfilled and non-purposeful. It snaps at people especially those closest to me and gives pat answers just to fill space or to finish a conversation that hasn't even begun. It isolates and wants to stay hidden and in its own world.

It stunts my growth and leads me to a pit. The pit where there's more dark than light, where I convince myself that those "little things" - those white lies I tell myself, white sin little things don't matter and that I will be fine. It's an angry side of me. A side I'd rather have people not see but Mark knows it's there. He knows that it gives him "the look" when he does or doesn't do something that is expected or snaps at him. Ian knows when I react much harsher that it is there and promptly reacts in a mirror-image sort of way with the same intensity.

It's a befuddling sort of scheme and sequence that has me sitting idle for moments at a time - contemplating if I'd like to stay in this state much longer. I'd rather not stay.