Release Revolution :: Discovering what Needs to be Healed

This isn't just a Release of possessions but is also a release of inner turmoil or angst or distress that has built up in my body, mind and spirit.

In discovering what needs to be healed, we can take simple and intentional steps to move forward.

What are these steps? Well I can read all I want in all kinds of books, but I am finding out that whatever it is that needs healed in us often is shown through reviewing how we cope.

When are the times you run to food, alcohol, any substance or ignore the small voice in your head that tells you "let's face this together"? When do you tend to feel like crawling in a hole? What is it about these times that propels you into shame?

And again I can ask all the questions in the world but until you and I STOP and PAUSE to consider where our pain is (literally and/or figuratively) we will not be able to even begin to identify where we may need healing.

I sense that my strong tendency to numb with food is because I need healing in the area of loving myself enough to allow myself to feel bad...to feel sad...to feel overwhelmed...to feel unloved. And that my thought-process needs to shift in order to better understand that these are feelings and that my mind is more powerful than I believe. My presence in another's life matters more than I think. And my brave is much braver than I could ever imagine.

I know my Creator and even when I feel distant from Him, it's ok to come back around and sit with Him in silence and ask Him "what needs to be healed?" "Can you help me please?"

And this begins...the process...(all over again)...and I'm a better person for it.

Release Revolution :: My Story & Prayer

In this Release Revolution season, I can now see that many times I try to piece my own story together by combining others' stories. For instance, I read about how an artist came to be the artist that she is and I immediately connect with this person's story and begin to use some of their words or phrases to describe a piece of myself.

I do this and realize that I have my very own words for this time; yet, I do not trust that my words as accurate, nor as eloquent as what the other artist has said. And then it dawns of me...I don't accept my version of who I am.

It's bold...I do not fully accept the version of who I am and how I would state my season.

It's very revealing if you think about it. It's easy to use another's words and descriptions for your own life experience since you connect with it. However, we have our own words to use and our own thoughts to think.

So coming now to my story and my current prayer "Lord, please take my broken and make it beautiful," I see how my deep brokenness of this season of life may help another person. Someone else may connect with my description and even want to use my words...but I hope and encourage this person to really look into how they would describe their own season and their own brokenness. It is so revealing.

My cracks and brokenness have and will continue to leave scars on my heart, soul and skin. My prayer is that God fills those places with His beauty and uses it for His good to help another. Sometimes I find it hard to face my thoughts these days knowing that some self-pity-filled feeling may be around the corner that will convince me that I'm always going to be stuck.

It's a seductive kind of feeling and thought-process and one that leads me to begin to believe that I deserve things in this life that I really don't. Disappointment sets in and then doubt rules the day and once again I am bound to my emotions. That is not the way I want to live. Steadfast and with faith is how I want to live.

Transition :: Change, it's what's for Dinner

IT'S BEEN 8 WEEKS! –I transitioned to part-time about 8 weeks ago and it's been very good, HARD, yet very good. Any change in life is hard and full of uncertainties and I'm still navigating these uncertainties. But the even little-bit-more space in my head to create and think about doing something other than exercise, work, food, wash, homework, bed-time AND repeat has been very healthy. God has shown me weaknesses I've known that I have had but haven't had to exactly face yet and now He has me ready to face them. He has me ready to move forward and to trust and to BELIEVE that He is good and HE IS ABLE.  –It's no secret that I struggle with depression and this past year's burn-out moved me deceptively into a functional-yet-paralyzing depression; whereby, it was hard to concentrate, focus on one thing at a time, my thoughts raced, my anxiety over the littlest things was hightened and my overall sense of well-being was depleted. I LOVE what I get to do at the hospital (Perinatal ICU & Neonatal ICU Social Worker) and the sacred moments I encounter daily; however, I was no longer able to give of myself to my loved ones outside of work. I still believe that this work is what I am called to do BUT I know there is so much MORE He has in store for me. I know that painting is suppose to blossom into helping others and guiding them through hard times. I know that running and fitness in my life is to take on a life of its own to help others to move forward. I know that this life is NOT my own. –I am learning that what I am learning right now is preparing me for next steps and I need to share this. MY MESS IS MY MESSAGE. I struggle like everyone else does; yet I want to strive and overcome and trust and persevere. Darkness has a purpose in my life and His light is suppose to come out of it and not for my glory but for God's. I wish so many of my friends could understand this but they continue to chase meaningless things. I don't want to chase meaningless things. A LITTLE OF WHAT’S HAPPENING... –So many springtime colors around here!! Birds hatching and their mothers feeding them in their nests, in our yard! –Enjoying the sunshine - I don't ever want to take that for granted. –Beginning the process of dreaming about Redecorating and repurposing and re-falling-in-love with my home... –The boys are growing, growing, growing. My patience has increased with not being so rushed all the time. And I'm slower to anger (check with me tomorrow to see if this still stands *wink*). –Being able to do more things so that Mark doesn't have to carry almost the entire load like he was before. Watching him begin to pursue some new things for himself –Pursuing self-development again and recalibrating goals –ABOUT TO JUMP OFF THE ADOPTION CLIFF!!!! Ah our electronic Profile is ready, we have Profile books sent to the Adoption Agency to submit to birthmothers when we choose AND this is crazy talk people!!

In my 20's - What I Learned...

In my 20's (as told to a friend recently) - I wish I would have told myself: 
* it's ok not to work full-time right now - it's a season
* I am called to be obedient and to do the things that I know are right 
* asking for help is a must and i never know how God is going to work in someone else's life when they are able to help me
* home improvement and organizing/cleaning are my best stress-reliev

ers and help when I am anxious
* not focusing on what I don't know is a must (meaning focus on eternal things and not on what I wish I could change or think I "should" change)
* I feed my anxiety and depression by eating too much sugar...not drinking enough water......thinking that this will last forever...
* there are trigger points for me: not having those important and meaningful conversations with other women/eating the sugar & feeling bad/not exercising or feeling guilty that i haven't moved
* not giving myself grace!

what I totally learned:
* give myself grace
* ask for help or offer to help another
* get out of bed immediately & focus on what I am excited about today
* remember it is a SEASON
* don't say "always" or "never"
* God's power is waaaayyyy bigger than my thinking and my own plan
* it's ok to not know if I will ever use my degrees or get full licensure (master's in marriage & family therapy & social work)
* my role will change with Mark and my boys as my identity changes in relation to how I interact with those around me (my identity primarily in Christ but does transform depending on whom I am around & serving)
* SIMPLIFY
* declutter and keep only what is needed...
* humble myself
* know that God will bring me people who will support me and be there for me (IF I allow myself to access them & allow them to help)
* being vulnerable is a beautiful thing....I am still guarded but am able to discern people much better through His Spirit - HIS doing not mine
* doing studies by Beth Moore & Priscilla Shirer really opened my eyes to what I needed to learn and how to grow...
* change is good
* in your 20's you are still searching for YOU and for what you think you might want or who you are.......as you grow older, it becomes more defined and a bit clearer (although God may change it as He changes your heart)

December Daily - Life & Expectations

This year with everything going I'm opting to make our December daily pictures & traditions more simple and small.

We've been traveling a lot, Ian is growing up so much and although I have not exercised once since November 17th, I am somehow still able to fit into my clothes which is a blessing.

I'm having to become a list-maker again and needing to refocus life and expectations. Disappointment has been a running theme this past year in some areas of our life and yet other areas have been blessed. I'm seeing how as each year goes by that people truly do become wiser and have more opportunity to turn from their wicked, fleshly, selfish ways. New creations and renewed minds...have taken on new meanings to me. I'm no longer the teenager or 20-something who makes my mistakes over & over and then wonders why I struggle so much and there are consequences. However, I'm also not the 30-something yet who understands that quicker repentance leads to quicker restoration...or that more cautious & wise preparation leads to more wise choices.

How did I not get all of this before? I read about it, but it doesn't register until life experience fulfills it. I guess I'm more human than I think and more inclined to sin and mess up and go back to my old ways than I think I am. What foolish thinking on my part.

Allowing myself to understand...to give myself grace...to better use my time and gifts...and to keep moving...AND to reconnect with God in a new, humbling way.

We Discovered...

We (Ian and Mommy) together discovered what it is like to sit in a chair that rotates around in a circle. Ian kept sitting in it and mommy kept twirling the chair. You could see his eyes thinking "this is making me feel weird". :)