September

September is always a dreaming month for me as it is my birth month.

I naturally reflect on the last 365 days as well as multiple years of my life.
I view God's faithfulness.
Seek some clarity in the events that unfolded and often find that I simply need to Trust that God's plan is working as He deems good for me.
NEVER STOP GROWING.

So with that...I'm 20 days from another year around this sun...down.

IMPROVE THE MOMENT
IMAGINE the outcome you want from your current situation.
* So where are you? What about your situation would you like to be different? What about your situation is a the same?
* Picture yourself interacting with the (new) world around you.

For me, I'm not quite in the desert nor the promised land...I'm somewhere in between. I'd like more direction in my current situation with family, with profession, with gentleness and radical acceptance towards myself. I'd like to have a more openness to my soul and my mind and landscapes, meaning confidence and motivation to move forward, head outside, take on the world, take on a child, seize the day type of mentality. And part of that includes ME NOT THINKING when I initially wake up because then I OVERTHINK.

I like the current freedom and flexibility of my time in this season as I'm not employed and am able to focus on household work, children's development and if I want-to dream. However, I'm often scattered and not honed into my current present.

MEANING - find meaning in a situation or season.
* Am I learning anything about myself?
* What lessons can I take away from this?
* How will things be different in the future?
* In the grand scheme of things, how much does this really matters?

For me, I'm learning that I do desire a type of structure and need to practice The Five Second Rule 5-4-3-2-1, so that I don't use my time unwisely scrolling or spaghetti-brain chasing my tail.
I am learning that Radical Acceptance of a season is so important to embrace when circumstances or others' responses are truly out of my control and that I can have control over how I think about the season (rather than walking around disappointment, I pick myself back up, sit before God and ask "what next?").
In the future, I will still risk friendship, risk vulnerability and risk authenticity, because it is who I am. I will still share deep learnings and sufferings...I just won't expect people to understand or to respond in an empathetic manner with grace.
In the blimp that is life, a season of disappointment will become very small in the rearview mirror as long as we/I move forward.

PRAY/PRACTICE - connecting with God and doing anything with a sense of purpose for His glory 

RELAX - there is no quick fix, meditate or do a body scan and observe your body

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT - in times of trouble your mind tends to run in the past or the future, so bring yourself back to the present moment with a GROUNDING practice.
* sitting on the ground * going outside and planting your feet in the grass * closing your eyes and visualizing your breath traveling in and out as you breathe * moving your hands through water or sand * pick a flower and smell it * cover the crown of your head * Hum a song * stand up and press your feet into the ground * take a cold or hot shower or bath * sit criss-cross applesauce with your palms up open in surrender

VACATION - staycation, daydream, don't run away from your problems - rather take a break.
* phone a friend * listen to your favorite song * go outside * do a yoga pose * take yourself out of the situation

ENCOURAGEMENT - pretend you are talking to a friend and imagine what you would say to your friend to encourage them.

 "Kara, you are exactly where you need to be and you are learning to persevere daily to work through your own mess so that you can then help others. It begins with depending on God, leaning towards Him and inviting Him in. You can't see the whole picture, you can't understand it all, only He can. If you want to a beautiful soul then you must go through the struggle and you will come out on the other side...again and again. You are a work-in-progress until Heaven."

Overwhelming Growth & Change

Change often comes when we don't want it, but we know that "something" has to give.
Something in our life is just not meshing with the other areas in our life and we want change, we may even crave change, BUT deep down, we want more than anything to stay comfortable.

We want this change to come in the form of better things, things like unexpected blessings (insert whatever things you consider "good"). But change can be subtle or immediate.

We find our family in an immediate change. An immediately different rhythm and although at first I did not welcome it nor fully understand the details of it, I choose to embrace it.

"Sometimes when our routine changes, God speaks into our non-routine more clearly."(Mark Batterson, Circle Maker).

I chose to read (audiobook) Circle Maker on Day 1 of our immediate change. I chose to sit and to pray and to think and to surrender. I found a previous canvas I wrote on and was dumbfounded that the words that had been written at least 8 months ago applied to me right in that THAT MOMENT.

"Woah" is all I can say. God doesn't waste past experiences...He uses them to continue to prepare us for His work AS WE ALLOW HIM.

There are nuggets that I'm learning through shifting routine and through some fasting that I dare say, I could NOT have learned otherwise. Stopping obligations, responsibilities (within reason) and expectations all-together allows space not only physically, but in all other areas.

There no "hurry", only necessarily life stress with boys (which has been enough this past year-mind you). How caregivers care for themselves makes ALL the difference. And as much as I have tried to care for myself over this past year, I found that I had fallen into certain habits that did not serve the Kara I desire to become.

We all have pet 'vices' and even 'sins' but it's easy to rationalize them away as our personality or our "lot in life". There are times I allow my own labeling of myself dictate if I can or cannot accomplish something. And that is BOLOGNA!

I know anyone reading this at some point might say "must be nice" to be rid of obligations, responsibilities or expectations from something...well yes and no. These things provide some structure, pieces of our identity unfortunately, and connection with community. When those aren't present, we are forced to see gaps in our lives. We are forced to see what we don't like about life even more and what we do like. It really is an opportunity.

So embrace the change, whether you want it or not. You cannot NOT change anyway. That is Life.

Minimalist Challenge: Day One

Define your Personal Style

I struggle to define my own personal style because immediately I want to pinterest everything I like to see what "my style is" and yet it falls short of probably the reality of my everyday life with family and pets.

However, one thing I do know...I LOVE the coffee house feel even though I do not like the taste nor really the smell of coffee, but I enjoy Chai Tea Lattes with skim milk.

I desire the atmosphere that is in coffee shops: collaboration, community, warm scents and liquids, cozy feelings of graduate school really. The intimate lighting, white space for my brain and occasionally the chosen art piece that gets me thinking or inspired.

There is freedom to me in these environments where the walls and the seating set the stage for meaningful thought or conversation. New ideas, special memories, connection. So to sum it up, the WOOD, White, Warmth, Lighting, black accents, clean slate/endless possibilities feeling that these spaces bring to me.

But I would venture to say that my Personal Style also includes Teals, Turquoise, pictures of laughter or hugs. The soundtrack of my life is upbeat and then mellow with nostalgic rhythms here and there from Coldplay and U2. Norah Jones I'm sure is in there with Michael Buble. And maybe this is more or less where I would want to write and paint. Because life isn't so perfect like this. 

I do like nice pillows but the reality is that they end up on the ground to become pathways to stay away from "hot lava" or become doors to hidden caves where superheros live. Keeping them clean or without wear isn't doable nor the aim of the space since it fosters creativity.

Bohemian and Whimsical are the styles that keep coming up in my results for style quizzes so yeah I'd like that. But living with family changes everything. :)

Motherhood and being Blind

I often wonder the reason behind the seasons that occur in each of our lives. And I don't mean weather seasons but rather the life-challenging seasons. The ebb and flow of the valleys and the mountains and the in-between. Each transitionary time takes on a lot of unknowns and challenges. The change of pace is something that can rarely be grasped and anticipated. Most of the time it feels like as my friend Amy stated, "I'm along for the ride." Being present during transition while I 'wait' is probably the hardest piece of wisdom I'm holding onto at this point.

It's unusual for me to think in terms of motherhood because I have most always thought in terms of self...self-examination, self-awareness and self-actualization. All those fancy words mean to say: I have thought a lot in my life about myself and about my dreams. Even while following God and pursuing an intimate relationship with Jesus, I have often hoped that my dreams were part of His will. It's a confusing process in seeking Him because the more I ask and the more I dream, the more I feel less certain that my dreams are the best. I start to see His dreams and His work in me looking different. His work through me blesses others and not just myself.

This week is meant to help me in the upcoming transition, it's meant not to sugar-coat things but to give me some reality into more time with my kids and the Truth that I know and believe: more time with my kids WILL be HARD. And that's ok. I'm not ignorant to the fact that being around them more may bring out those things that I do not like more. It will likely mean discipling more, holding my temper more, praying more and hopefully can mean at some point, hugging more, loving more and playing more. I'm not even sure what this is going to look like as of yet and frankly I'm not holding my breath thinking it will look any one way because the reality is that even when promised one thing-life throws curve balls!!

The picture below really spoke to me:



God placed the desire in my heart to go part-time beginning in August-September-October of 2015 and I prayed about it. lamented over it and wrestled with him over it. I knew I needed to in November but didn't verbalize it until December. By that time I'd already been searching to see if I was suppose to be somewhere else and had some good interactions with other prospects but the conversations came back around to working with the moms and postpartum women. I couldn't shake it so I decided to stay and see what was going to happen. Each step of obedience came with some clarity and then uncertainty again. And this has been the cycle this entire winter-spring: some clarity then uncertainty.

I've moved to the point of simply knowing it (the transition) may not be what I want...but it's what I need. It's what my family needs and ultimately...God will help to change my 'want to'.

So when I think of the women I work with and realize how I see motherhood, I realize even moreso that a mother is truly born when a baby is born and also has to grow and develop like any baby.

My motherhood has went through so many seasons now with Ian whose 7 and Elijah who is 3. I have worked part-time jobs, struggled with being home not with Ian and then with him for a little bit. But Elijah I have only been with during his 8 weeks when he was first born and a week here or there. It's unsettling not to have fully spent time with your children in a way that helps you to really know them. Our culture strips away that time with busyness and distractions. I've come to a point where I'm fed up with going too fast and being distracted.

I respect and admire women in leadership positions who seem to "do-it-all" however, I know the price of doing that and that includes involvement in their children's lives. My striving and determination to accomplish my goals is a good thing but even a good thing might not be a great thing. I want to do great things and in God's kingdom, it's all upside down. Great things may not happen through success in the world's eyes nor through completing the goals. Great things may happen in the little things that get passed on to my children like: kindness, patience, trust, hope and discernment.

Wow, I am so blind to God's work in me!! Seriously I am so blind to wanting this world's success and meaning. I want to be recognized for my hard work and it blinds me to recognizing God's work around me. I want to feel respected and appreciated in the hospital environment but it blinds me to fully appreciating how blessed I am to be where I am. I am blinded and I don't want to be.

Part-time is coming...and I have NO CLUE how it will really look but for now I'm enjoying each day with my boys with the fights, whines, playing together, throwing toys, time-outs, picky eating, excited smiles and eyes and lousy eye-rolling and frowns.

I don't want to be blind...not anymore.