It's a process and a title and a revolution that I have considered for over 2 years now.
After reading "7" by Jen Hatmaker in the Fall of 2014 the wheels in my mind began turning and God ignited a spark in my heart that would plague me from then on into the present day. I use the word "plague" because it ate at me walking around my house and seeing all of the "stuff" that I held dear and the continual items I would bring into our house in an effort to make it a "home". The stress of it has paralyzed me for stretches at a time and exacerbated my experience of depression and anxiety.
I finally accepted that at the age of 34, I was indeed my mother. I held onto memories, items, plastics and glass that I had in my mind meant something so much to me that I would keep it and store it and move it around to the next storage dwelling we would have in our next season of life. I was captive and addicted to my "stuff".
I still am as much as I've worked to reduce the amount of items in our home and to let go of ideals and pictures of who I "think I should be" versus who I really am and how I am wired.
Downsizing has always felt like a dirty word to me because our culture continues to express how "upsizing" or "upgrading" is the best thing ever and means you have arrived or are better than someone else. Truth-be-told I grew up taking trips driving south on Meridian Street north of Indianapolis which is lined with mansions and told my parents, "I'm going to live in one of those someday...I love them." I appreciate architecture and character and simply admire these pictures, but I have grown to realize and see that family dysfunction lives inside mansions too...addictions live inside big house and small huts. Thus, it doesn't matter if you live in a "happier ever after house" if you don't have love and don't know yourself.
So when we moved into our current home - which was a total God story, that's 2,288 sq feet plus a half finished basement, 6 bedrooms and 3 full bathrooms on .27 acres in a cul-de-sac neighborhood and has a darling little house in the back where I am come to enjoy as a painting studio, I was elated.
I was elated...and continued to be until more life started to happy and my boys grew older and more "stuff" came into the house. They didn't play with all of it. I didn't play with all of my stuff either. I wanted matching this and retro that. I would stare through ads online, in my email and on flyers to see what was on sale. I would browse hours on Marketplace in Facebook and Craigslist just to find the look that Joanna Gaines might have pieced together for a Fixer Upper show. IKEA catalogs used to give me oodles of ideas but I never felt that I had time to really enjoy my home anyway. I worked full-time. My children were in childcare full-time and my husband worked hours with his congregation as a minister. My office at work was the place where it was the most "me" and it didn't have that much and I enjoyed that. I enjoyed not having to choose a certain stapler or pen. There weren't choices. You just took one and used it. I wanted my home to be this way but how? Seriously HOW? Each time I decluttered I felt better but a part of me grab even tighter on to things that I felt were pricesless to me (i.e. honeymoon shirts or pamphlets from trips). Simply things really. But it's time. Upon reading what has amounted to be a thorough investigation into minimalism and living with less while enjoying life more (see book list below)...it's time. STUFF HAS TO GO. LIVE HAS TO BE LIVED AGAIN. RELEASE REVOLUTION. So today remove and place items in our garage that I'm ready to part with and then Tuesday is the next step...some ideas for the stuff "DECLUTTER KINDNESS" giveaway in my driveway (free items)... donating some items to my boys' school? donating to Goodwill or Salvation Army? I'm over selling things on Facebook and in Facebook groups. The time it takes to arrange pick ups or for people to actually come and pick something up off of my porch is overrated. It's almost as bad as having a yard sale anymore for me. Pictures to come...release release release "fear asked 'if you let go will you have enough'?" Yes, yes I will have enough. No, I will not miss out. Soulful Simplicity by Courtney Carver The More of Less by Joshua Becker Simplified Life by Emily Ley Downsizing and Lose Clutter, Lose Weight by Peter Walsh The Magic of Tidying Up and Spark Joy by Marie Kondo The Minimalists - Documentary on Netflix
In looking at my faith journey early on, it makes sense that I would pursue Social Work out of a righteous pursuit for justice for the marginalized or poor population and to seek to extend mercy to others. My faith fueled my desire to help others who weren't understood, especially since I rarely felt misunderstood as an adolescence. Goodness, I still feel misunderstood even now.
I don't like placing people into boxes, diagnoses and labels; even if there is some benefits to this method due to research and evidence-based practice. Sometimes many people can be helped with one method but often many others fall through the cracks because we created this box for them. So for me, I pursued this profession rather than art, because I felt my faith wanted to see concrete outcomes in healing (i.e. witness transformations).
Social Work led me into reliable income and provided an identity as healer. I wanted to be who I needed most when I was younger essentially. This sounds all-well and good and was meant for good. But I believe that I might have missed out on the "great" by pursuing conventional means to see concrete outcomes.
It took burnout in my NICU Social Work role and complex family life to FINALLY reconnect me fully with the art that had fed my soul in childhood. I went through the Chazown process (pursuing my life purpose and mission) through Lifechurch.tv and was able to create a mission statement that really spoke with my desire to help women and to allow myself to be vulnerable. I felt so boxed up at the hospital that when I came home and painted, often with Kelly Rae Roberts via her online courses, that I felt freer and more able to process through the trauma of the day.
Through this process, art was my therapy and a way to heal myself and recover from burnout. As Julia Cameron says in The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, I had been living as a shadow artist, "someone who loves art, did art as a child and is surrounded by artists, but is not creating art." As I painted I would give close friends and then later coworkers specific paintings that I had in mind for them. Their reactions helped to fuel my confidence as I painted more and created life-giving messages out of my mess.
Although I am more paralyzed these days than I was initially, the spark still remains and on given days I can be found swaying in my studio in deep thought and chasing squirrels out of my head as I use my hands to create with paint.
In a Healing Arts course I'm self-pacing myself through, I am at the time point where I am writing down my spiritual journey or as I like to call it my "Faith Journey".
I figured I'd bring you along for the ride.
It starts with questions so this is just Part One.
Think about your Spiritual DNA :: what traditions religious or not did you grow up with? Were you ever introduced to a faith? Faith being the assurance of what we hope for and what we cannot yet see...
* faith in Jesus Christ as your Savior, dying on a cross in crucifixion so that you can receive grace for your sins (debts against God)?
* faith in a humanity that all people are good?
* faith in a prophet or a person? or an inner strength?
* faith that there is or is not a Higher Power?
My Spiritual DNA includes ancestors in the Reformation Movement and denomination of The Church of the Brethren. My maternal grandparents and their parents and their parents' parents were very devout. My paternal side had Christian beliefs yet did not have involvement as much in their local church. Today the descendants of the 16th century European movement (particularly the Baptists, Amish, Hutterites, Mennonites, Church of the Brethren, and Brethren in Christ) are the most common bodies referred to as Anabaptist. Early history of the Brethren began in 1708 when a group of eight Christians organized themselves under the leadership of Alexander Mack (1679–1735) into a church and baptized one another in Schwarzenau, Germany, now part of Bad Berleburg in North Rhine-Westphalia. Hence, the Brethren Church that I eventually attended from 5 years of age to adulthood is one of several groups that traces its origins back to the Schwarzenau Brethren of Germany. The reform issue precipitated a three-way split among the Brethren in the early 1880s. The beliefs and practices of the Brethren churches are reflective of their early influences. They accept no creed but the teaching of the New Testament and stress obedience to Jesus Christ and a simple way of life. In fact, I grew up near a church camp called "Camp Mack". Of course I didn't know all of this when I was growing up. I simply knew and was taught that the Bible is the God's Living Word. And I believed it and still do. "What is the living Word? What does it mean that the Bible is the living Word of God?"
Answer: According to Hebrews 4:12, “the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” The “word of God” here is the written or spoken Word, not the Logos of John 1. The ESV says that the Bible is “living” and active.
The description of the Bible as “living” means that it has a vital power inherent to itself. The written Word of God accomplishes God’s purposes (Isaiah 55:11); the preaching of the Holy Scriptures brings about God’s desired effects. The Bible is unlike other books, whatever emotional or social effects they may produce, in that it brings about lasting, supernatural change within a person. “Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ” (Romans 10:17).
Jesus likened the Word of God to seed in His parable of the sower (Matthew 13:1–23). Seed, like the Bible, is not dead, but living, and it has the ability to bring forth more life abundantly. Seeds produce a crop (verse 23).
The Bible, as the living Word of God, is not inert or powerless, as seen in the actions attributed to the Word in the rest of Hebrews 4:12: the Bible “penetrates” deep within us and “judges” our hearts and motivations. It is “active,” not passive. The Bible is resisted or ignored to our own peril (Hebrews 2:1–3).
We see the living Word of God in action in the pages of the Bible. On the Day of Pentecost, Peter preached the Word of God, and his audience “were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, ‘Brothers, what shall we do?’” (Acts 2:37). Three thousand people were saved that day (verse 41). Later, as the apostles continued to preach, the number in the church grew to five thousand, because “many of those who had heard the word believed” (Acts 4:4, ESV). God’s Word, living and active, does not return to Him void.
The Bible is the living Word of God because it is the message given to us from the “living God” (Hebrews 3:12). The God who is alive works in this world through His living Word in conjunction with the Holy Spirit (see Ephesians 6:17). Jesus spoke of the life-giving property of His words: “The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life” (John 6:63). The word of our Lord is efficacious for our salvation and sanctification (Acts 13:48; John 17:17).
Other indications that the Word of God is alive include the facts that it sustains man (Luke 4:4), it brings faith (Romans 10:17), it has freedom to accomplish God’s will (2 Timothy 2:9), it can be maligned (Titus 2:5), it gives spiritual birth (1 Peter 1:23), and it abides within believers (1 John 2:14).
We see the living Word of God in action every time a sinner repents and turns to Christ for eternal life. The believer’s changed life bears testimony to the living, active power of the Bible. Commentator Matthew Henry wrote of the Bible that it “convinces powerfully, converts powerfully, and comforts powerfully. It makes a soul that has long been proud, to be humble; and a perverse spirit, to be meek and obedient. Sinful habits, that have become as it were natural to the soul, and rooted deeply in it, are separated and cut off by this sword. It will discover to men their thoughts and purposes, the vileness of many, the bad principles they are moved by, the sinful ends they act to” (Concise Commentary on the Whole Bible, Hebrews 4:11–16).
The living Word is active in the lives of those who receive it. According to the psalmist, the person who meditates on and delights in the Word will be “like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither” (Psalm 1:2–3). The Scriptures today are often downplayed in favor of man made philosophies, personal experiences, or a “new” word from God. But the Bible cannot be ignored as if it were dead or obsolete. The Word of God is still powerful and very much alive. “We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts” (2 Peter 1:19). My Memory: I remember sitting with my dog, Tippy in the back yard and telling him at the age of 5-6 about Jesus' love and the gospel message that Jesus died and came back to life as a sacrifice to atone (make-up) for my sins. He was the best listener as a collie/beagle mix. So were there any Scriptures or text that your family considered Sacred? Were you Catholic? Were you brought up to respect the Koran? I grew up with prayer before almost every meal and sometimes at night before bed. Occasionally we would do devotions. I would go to classes at the church, attend Vacation Bible School and eat fellowship meals then play in the gym. My mother would play the piano and sing hymns. I also learned to sing along with her and to develop some skill on the piano (some is a very loose term). I enjoyed church for the craft activities and the continually learning of how this man was born as a baby (Christmas!) and then had a ministry with his rag-tag group of friends (disciples) going throughout the country side speaking of God's love and doing miracles also became hated and was killed. He rose from the dead, "how cool is that?" I remember Palm Sundays holding Palms and waving them to imitate Jesus' entrance into Jerusalem before Passover. We sang songs (I loved singing) and coloring Bible pages. It was just something that I did and didn't think much of it until middle school when my worldview was challenged and trauma entered my life. At that time, I realized that my faith...really wasn't mine. It was my parents' views and I had a decision to make as to whether this would be my own beliefs or not.I couldn't shake the faith in Christ or God-existence piece. I felt a presence of peace and calm even when I was in devastating-to-me circumstances. I read on Biblical topics of love, acceptance, no favoritism, sexual purity, compassion, kind words, heaven and hell and how to live through struggle. As I read more about suffering that's when some seeds were planted for my own faith; yet, I did not understand why people particularly in the church didn't have any helpful dialogue about issues of the day (i.e. sex and young people living together, LGB subjects , corruption and lying in business, family abuse, pornography, divorce, rape). There was discussion about 'right and wrong' and 'black and white' but that was it. No compassion or attempt of understanding for what these subjects meant for anyone suffering in silence. Through a friend I was exposed to differing worldviews and ultimately groomed to view this person as an idol. This person was older and "so much more mature and wise". Now I look back and realize they were definitely abused somehow, part of a dysfunctional family living through the experience of divorce and having no faith background. I can see why I began to crave answers to my new questions and new emotions that adolescence and of course puberty brought up. You may ask, where were your parents? They were right next to me...concerned. VERY concerned and could see the change in me. But during this time I read and wrote and read more Biblically than I had before and now I realize...through pain, rejection and suffering...that is when MY Faith was beginning to come alive.
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)
“…In humility consider others better than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)
Isn’t that quite a picture? The idea that we would be this devoted to one another and involved in each other’s lives!
What can I do to find a close, loving church community?
Pray about it. Ask God to help you discover (or encourage!) a closer community.
Get creative. Look for ways you can connect at a deeper level with others in your church body.
Consider a change. If after praying and seeking and you feel the Spirit is prompting, then you might end up searching for a church that cultivates those close, authentic relationships.
The longer we progress through this uncertain time, the more I seek out really "meaty" books that help breathe life back into my perspective. I continue to enjoy Biblical references and solid Truth and recognize that the way our life looks right now...I want to read how other people have digested their own hardships and trials.
I see the Biblical characters and people: Moses, Elijah, Joseph, David, Job, Ruth, Esther, Peter and Paul and think somehow that I'm so different than them. However, these giants in the Faith had some great insecurities just as I do. They would be on Cloud 9 and then in the trenches. Doubt was part of their existence and it is part of mine as well. But I love what Natalie Grant wrote at the end of her book, Finding Your Voice.
This book isn’t a “self-help” type of book like the rest of the books on my list. It’s an autobiography of a deeply broken man. I cried tears more than once because of the incredible redemptive, redeeming, reckless love of our God. His trauma from disfunction was familiar even as it was far from my life experience. His tendency towards self-destruction and self-deception was familiar even though it was also very far from my life experience.
QUOTE:
“My message, unchanged for more than fifty years, is this: God loves you unconditionally, as you are and not as you should be, because nobody is as they should be. It is the message of grace…A grace that pays the eager beaver who works all day long the same wages as the grinning drunk who shows up at ten till five…A grace that hikes up the robe and runs breakneck toward the prodigal reeking of sin and wraps him up and decides to throw a party no ifs, ands, or buts…This grace is indiscriminate compassion. It works without asking anything of us…Grace is sufficient even though we huff and puff with all our might to try to find something or someone it cannot cover. Grace is enough…Jesus is enough.
2. How People Heal by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
WHY?
This book broke down how the ideas of Bible intersect mental health care in the simplest to understand way possible in chapter one. Even if you can only read chapter one, you’ll be better for it.
QUOTE:
“I believed in the power of the Bible and knew that God’s truth could change any life. And I knew that if I could just teach others the same things and encourage them to know the truth as I was learning it, they would find the same kind of growth I discovered. Yet, at the medical center I saw people who had walked with God for years and many who knew more about God’s truth than I did. These people, laypeople and pastors alike, had been very diligent about prayer, Bible study, and other spiritual disciplines. Nevertheless, they were hurting, and for one reason or another, they had been unable to walk through their valley. The woman in the pink bathrobe was a missionary who had been called off the field because she was out of touch with reality — out of touch with who she really was and where she was in time. Although the realization I had had with this particular woman came in response to an extreme situation, I had the same realization over and over with hundreds of other more normal clients. To deal with marital, parenting, emotional, and work struggles, people had tried the things they had been taught, and they felt as though these spiritual answers had let them down. And I began to feel the same way. Again the realization hit me: This is going to be harder than I thought.
— Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, How People Grow
3. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero
WHY?
Peter, a veteran pastor in New York City, is so vulnerable with his own journey to becoming emotionally healthy, and he points out how damaging emotionally unhealthy people are in the local church. If every local church was proactive in making sure that discipleship that included emotional health was a priority, the body would be so much healthier and more whole.
QUOTE:
“The problem, however, is that you inevitably find, as I did, something still missing. In fact, the spirituality of most current discipleship models often only adds an additional protective layer against people growing up emotionally. When people have authentic spiritual experiences — such as worship, prayer, Bible studies, and fellowship — they mistakenly believe they are doing fine, even if their relational life is fractured and their interior world is disordered. Their apparent ‘progress’ then provides a spiritual reason for not doing the hard work of maturing. They are deceived. I know. I lived that way for almost seventeen years. Because of the spiritual growth in certain areas of my life and in those around me, I ignored the glaring signs of emotional immaturity that were everywhere in and around me.
— Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
4. The Wisdom of You Heart by Marc Schelske
WHY?
I met Marc at a writer’s conference in Portland when this book was just a seed. He was honest about his struggles with perfectionism and insecurities. Several years later, I read his book and it freed me from a lot of shame about my emotions. I’m an enneagram 3. If you’re an enneagram 3, 7, or 8, you are in the active triad that suppresses feelings by focusing your energy on other things. Becoming in touch with my feelings has been a process, and this book was integral in that process.
“With emotions, God gave us a gift, not a curse, a small reflection of God’s own experience.
— Marc Schelske, The Wisdom of Your Heart
5. The Gift Of Being Yourself by David Benner
WHY?
Knowing God is not something you can integrate into your life and actions fully until you know yourself. This book was full of “ah ha” moments about how the self relates to God. I flagged a third of the pages because it held an important truth.
QUOTE:
“Self-deception occurs automatically. This is part of what psychologists mean when they say that the defense mechanisms operate in the unconscious. It is also part of what theologians mean when they speak of original sin. We don’t really have to choose self-deception. It is — to use contemporary computer jargon — the default option.
BUT WHAT HAPPENS IN THE IN-BETWEEN?
When living in "transition" yet, not knowing the future...future jobs, future dwelling, future friends...I know none of know the future, a part from there being an Eternity. This is just how I am describing this time for myself.
I'm sitting in a hallway with what feels like all the doors shut and the lights still on at least but there is nothing...just flat paint on the walls and baseboard and carpet or hardwood on the floor. The light fixture isn't even interesting. It just sits there on. At least it does not flicker like in a horror film! LOL
We seemingly have 'no people' anymore. We have some friends, me at my YMCA classes apart from the church setting and my husband, his online gaming community but really except for one or two couples we are in contact with...doing 'life' just isn't happening at all.
I did write in March, but I have not yet published what I wrote because really, it's a matter of faith.
In my March post (which is still a draft) I wrote from the point-of-view of living in late summer of 2019 where time had passed and our transition and waiting begin to have some answers. It is mind-blowing and I'm holding this vision for my family in fragile hands.
Hurt lingers...we remain in the healing and waiting period which is taking more trust than I'd like to admit. But as I learn and continue to go through reviving my practice in art as healing and in considering next steps in my Social Work career I'm more apt to consider pursuing Art Therapy whether certified or not and simply being present in groups for the experience of using our hands in this way.
I took a Mama through creating the beginnings of a painting for her 2nd grade daughter this morning to celebrate the daughter's rebirth in Baptism and to highlight her word "Trust" and Psalm 31:14 which is her baptism verse. It is and will be a sacred piece made by her mama's hands and meant to remind her of who she is and whose she is at her core so that she can remember through life that she will never be alone.
Although I would be lying if I told you that I don't feel any more anger, because it's part of the grief process and it still hits me at times. In recent months and even the past couple of years I have wrestled with doubts that I simply did not entertain in the past. Whether these were voices from my past or voices from previous or current friends regarding God and his existence and the institution of the Church along with God's people...it has brought more questions to mind than answers.
How is it that the most loving Savior on earth who unconditionally loves His children and people...may not have the most loving children or people?
How is it that the group we so intimately called "family" here in Ohio would make such withdrawing decisions for us in the wake of my husband and I reaching out for community due to mental health and our family in the 'name of our healing'?
How is it that this group would follow the leading of leadership who had never experienced such a walk and did not question if more follow-up was needed or that the story they are being fully told is precisely what my husband and I want?
I constantly heard "I'm praying for you" and I know that was heartfelt and kind, but there was no invitation to come sit with me or my husband in the darkness. No one to come help us with our boys as we navigated each new and relentless day. Yes prayer is AWESOME and through Christ can move mountains...but if there is no action, no love displayed than that faith is dead. DEAD. A family brought us a meal once and could see the pain...but life is life and it goes on.
No follow-up from seeking community equals abandonment in my book and that is my perspective. The Church as a whole (denominational or non-denominational), God's people who follow Him are sorely under-educatedabout how to walk alongside those in their family with mental illness (whether, depression, anxiety, bipolar, substance abuse, ADHD or even chronic illnesses). The Church believes it understands...but simply referring people to professional counselors doesn't cut it. Simply giving lists of resources and checking in like a business contact doesn't cut it. COME SIT WITH ME. SEND A NOTE (and yes, some caring friends in the congregation did sent cards and notes, but it honestly felt so hard to reach out by that time). The isolation feels deafening and I'm not dramatizing this either. It is deafening.
I halted looking at social media quite a bit because it simply reminded me that "you are alone in this...life lives on for them...activities continue but in your life, you go to counseling once a week, the chiropractor 2-3 times a week, care for your boys and answer their hard questions while also braking up their fights and monitoring their outbursts, try to sleep or get naps, pick up a job here or there and try to keep your brain from going into a dark mode. It's suffering.
But yes...with time and shifting perspectives through conversations with God and His Word...we see light through a different window. So Right Now ::
* I sit at the computer to type my Faith Journey which now includes 2018 as the year of pruning, untethering from relationships and our church family, isolation and suffering
* I get to decide how I think about 2019 and how I move forward
* I'm so blessed to better understand that having expectations for close friends goes no where and that we all have to simply show up and be with one another with where we are
* I grief the loss of friendships that I thought were deep and meaningful
* I let go of anger again today...hoping that tomorrow, it will continue to be to a lesser degree that I think about Oct-Dec to the present
* I cherish my YMCA 5:30 am morning class who do not all know what has transpired, but for those who have an inkling give me a hug right away in the morning and welcome me into their own messes
* I realize that living in another person's mess can be so helpful as it helps me not focus on mine
* witnessing Mark shift in his mindset as well as we wait for what God has for us next (whether in a move, in a job, in friendships, in the weather (hello it's Ohio, Winter-Spring-Winter-Spring) is a gift that I don't want to miss
* 'showing up' and walking alongside others who can't or don't quite know how to reach out truly is a skill and a gift that must be developed in this age of technology...you can message or text sure.....yes please do that...but SHOW UP.
Each year I like to occasionally write down what I'm doing in a moment "right now"...because I find it interesting looking back to see what I found interesting during various seasons in life.
Here is my 'Right Now'... It's Sunday afternoon...20 degrees outside and sunny. * Mark is napping upstairs (he preached at a fellow minister's church who had an emergency) about us being Imperfect People who imperfectly serve a Perfect God. * Katie (our dog) is on the edge of the couch guarding our neighborhood cul-de-sac through surveillance * the boys are playing RoBlox (don't ask b/c I don't really know, my husband knows) * I hear the cutest responses from them about going to get ice cream or "I have a hamburger at home and some cookies I could share with you" "I have to go to work, so I'll see you later. I'm a janitor today." * sitting on the couch with a new heated blanket (a surprise gift from Mark b/c he knew I'd love it) * laptop on my lap and going through Mel Robbin's #Mindset Reset 35-day program (LOVE IT, worth it, helping my mindset and my anxieties) * looking through my own process of "triggers"--> "worries" --> "creating Anchor thoughts" to create a healthy mindset * sitting next to the 3 books that I'm digging into: Chris Hogan's "Everyday Millionaires", "The Clever Gut Diet Cookbook" which is pretty good and then "The Plant Paradox Quick and Easy: The 30-Day Plan to Lose Weight, Feel Great and Live Lectin-Free"
* hearing the washer and dryer going b/c I felt the need to put whatever I could into them laundry-wise so Mark wouldn't have to and so it's just done and out of my mind
* the dishwasher is quiet which is odd...but then again we are out of dish detergent & I don't want to make a run to Kroger - a shopping trip or pick-up is better for tomorrow or sometime during the week
* reflecting on this past week's mayhem of my own sickness, beginning a new job, the boys being in and out of school due to weather and Martin Luther King, Jr. day.....it was SO DIFFERENT; yesterday Mark & I were able to have a lunch date at Applebee's since our friends Sue & Larry had the boys over for lunch and to play
* processing through this morning's church service (the boys & I went to Ginghamsburg-a large church down the road from our house)...it's complicated...no longer feeling that sense of belonging is something that I do not sit well with but I know I belong in God's kingdom and in HIS churches who are HIS people regardless of knowing anyone, being in a role, actively serving or simply observing...it is all ok * the boys feel some of the detachment from our previous church family...they understand that our "break" from church responsibilities this past Fall developed into more of a "no-longer part of" process due to the health of our family so we could move on and seek God's direction...our mission we came to pursue here initially was done...we just didn't know that the future wouldn't include us...we planned 20 years... God said, "it's ok...I'm helping you let go, seek me, don't fight..." A sense of abandonment was natural given the circumstances surrounding our "break" and we are not here to discuss a who-to-blame scenario....we have our own experience to draw from. (people are well-meaning and I'm sure mean no harm but sometimes decisions are made with blindfolds and unintentionally create great harm and further hurt). None of us live in a vacuum but depression and isolation are brutal and the emotions that plague the people are relentless. Counseling helps but is only one piece of the puzzle. Too many pieces were not present for our puzzle to remain together...…..we needed to begin a new puzzle where we could allow God to fill those other pieces and for us to gain some healing.
As was announced this past Sunday Mark has resigned his position at Troy Christian Church.
We want to thank those of you who have reached out to our family and helped us to feel remembered and loved during this difficult season. Please know that Mark has made noticeable progress in dealing with his depression and continues to take strides toward health.
* To the TCC church family: it has been an honor to serve with you and for Mark to share from God's Word. Never stop growing in that.
* To the TCC Staff: you have been our friends and we stand in awe of your different abilities. Thank you for your faithfulness and service.
This is certainly not how we anticipated this chapter but sometimes the way God writes the story is not the way we would expect. Yet we trust in the Author and Perfecter of our faith to write our next chapters as well.
We pray you support the leadership and staff of TCC during this season of transition as these times are often when your dedication are needed the most.
As for us - we continue to search and pray to see what ministry God may lead us to next. We covet your prayers as we seek His direction.
Our 2018 year has not gone as anticipated nor as hoped for. The beginning of the year had such high hopes (realistic too) but in the end much disappointment will lead into appointments for 2019.
I will not sugar-coat this year nor will I lament in despair as I know our experience is shared with other families, although often in silence. Mental and physical wellness are taken for granted by many including ourselves in various seasons.
This year has brought unforeseen changes for us and more challenges than we ever desired to endure. School has proven to be an opportunity for much growth both for us as parents and for our boys. People ask us, "so do the boys like school?" Answer, "no, but they are learning, we are learning."
Mark & I realized that we needed to seek community as these challenges continued to pile up. Humans can play victim to routine and to everyday habits. We had begun to play victim to our family routine and it was beyond exhausting us emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Yet sharing is risky and being vulnerable is something that our culture does not readily celebrate or know how to embrace. People often believe that being "put-together" is how other people (family & friends included) want to see you and for how you, yourself want to be seen. (Reread that last sentence.) People do not naturally know how to walk with others in their darkness. But when you share deep challenges and recognize that routine and habits and coping mechanisms no longer serve or benefit you...something inevitably changes. Usually for the good.
However, when the carpet underneath your feet is pulled out from under you and life's routine ceases to be known, all kinds of emotions come out of you. We have experienced this, see my post from October 3rd. Our (my) trust in God stares me in the face and asks me "do you really believe in what you say you believe after all?" "or is this for real?"
Please note, I will always try to reframe life into a positive view and in an eternal view as I follow Christ and God, AND I believe in being transparent appropriately too. When my voice is not heard nor given a space to be heard, I initially become angry and anxious. I have come to realize that ultimately God's voice will be my voice and that His fight will take over what I think I need to do. I need to "be still and know He is God." His fight is better, His ways are better and His certainty and promises are better than any human guarantee on this earth.
We are not guaranteed security, the American dream, the make-affirmations-everyday-and-they-will-come-true mentality. We are not guaranteed that friends won't hurt us nor that we will not hurt them. We are not guaranteed tomorrow...
So we live into our questions and I have many at this point in time. MANY.
2019 will bring changes...big ones. We are not yet certain of what these are but as of the announcement yesterday, Mark has resigned from his position (Lead Minister) at Troy Christian Church for the health and wellbeing of our family. We will not have answers for many people nor for ourselves. We expected to have our kids graduate here but God has a different plan and has allowed life to progress in this way.
We will remain committed to the mission we have been given: to love God first, care for our family and love people and go into the world to share God's love.
A Thrill of Hope... Waiting Expectantly... Savoring the Present and the Presence of family... Remembering years past with loved ones who have left us... Recalling that moment when I found out Santa Claus was represented by many people... Opening the gift that I wanted so badly... Eating my dad's pancakes in the morning (they are like crepes and THE BEST)... Waking my parents up before the crack of dawn because I was so excited... Peeking at the presents early and then carefully placed the tape back on (only one year - I think)... Sitting by the candlelight and Christmas lights pondering what that night's years ago meant to this world when a little baby was born in a stable (cave) with animals around and 'unseen' by the world... Reading the Christmas story... Singing carols in a circle with the Cassell family and being so obnoxious with everyone... Hanging out every Christmas Eve with the Price family & doing our gift exchange... (until my grandmother passed my Junior year of high school) Listening to the Christmas music (all genres) and humming along... Unwrapping stocking stuffers has always been a favorite of mine (especially those from my mom) because it was the little things that made me laugh and brought me joy...yes chocolate...brought me joy... Taking a Morning Run to clear my mind and warm up my body...(a favorite tradition now for me)
When you have your own family, you can set your own pace and your own traditions. This is both an opportunity and an expectation. I miss the magic of being young and although I catch glimpses of this with my boys now...it's different. I enjoy the hunt of looking for gifts for them, but I do not buy literally into the consumerism. I seek the traditions of having an Advent Calendar, opening little gifts and surprising them with pajamas dinners. The build-up to this day feels different. We use a stuffed blue Star "Starry" instead of an Elf on the Shelf to demonstrate the days leading up to Christmas and watch as he leads us to focus on where Jesus was born.
It is no longer filled with school events (because their school doesn't have a program) nor church events (because our church does not do a separate program with rehearsals). My boys have never desired to wait in line to meet a white bearded man in red robbing nor have they been brought up to believe in just one "real" Santa Claus. Rather, the story of St. Nicholas and his good deeds and his giving heart. They would rather give and surprise others. Now don't get me wrong, they LOVE receiving too. But it's different.
We rarely watch advertising commercials during this time because we use Netflix and Amazon Prime. It's different than growing up with Toy commercials bombarding the TV during every holiday movie. I remember finding out there were new toys each time I saw one and I wanted more. I even knew what Christmas was about growing up but it didn't stop my wanting. It's just different today, not better or worse, just different.
I do relish watching my boys play with their new gifts even if there are not many. I enjoy making them breakfast on this morning - whether pancakes or just blueberry muffins (from a box) as was the case this morning.
It's still meaningful and it still matters. That is today, not just another day, but it is our today.
