Singing Praises in the Dark

Singing Praises in the Dark has become a practice of mine over the last year and half.
It's the practice of intentionally singing praises instead of pleading with God when I don't understand His ways or His plans.

It's allowing my voice to come out in a way that continues to choose to believe that He is good and that His ways are good for me.

This practice has helped to shift my mind as I wrestle with Him about my questions and about our family's future. When we praise, we place God in His rightful place and that solves a 1,000 problems (as Oswald Chambers has said). We focus on Him and surrender our right and our entitlement to Him.

It has helped my heart to reopen to new possibilities and to new risks that I would otherwise not be able to honestly handle or even be willing to consider. It has allowed for some new friendships that I would have otherwise shied away from in fear of disappointment and fear of past hurts.

When we praise, we no longer have to control the outcome to our circumstances. We pause and consider how God views us and how He views the situation. We let go of our need to be right and to be in constant control of "how the story ends".

When we praise, we lose track of time and space and this is good for our head space, brain space, soul space and body. I feel a release of tension when praise comes out rather than doubt and fear when I have pleaded with God for answers. 

God reshapes my desires when I praise, because it's no longer about me or what I "think" I want. It is good. He is good.

Beginning a Writing Practice

As September begins to unfold I desire to really being a daily writing practice.

In the past, it has involved bullet points and scribbles or doodles or quotes or ponderings.
God never ceases to amaze me when He has me put pen to paper because it if often messages to Him or what feels like messages FROM Him to me.

They are often gentle and life-giving, rarely as dark as they used to be.
And I realized why, there's hope present with our family.

For a long period of time, we felt a lack of hope, a lack of growth, a lack of support and it all mattered. In this new Fall season (yes I'm calling it Fall) because I'm ready for it as much as I enjoy sunshine and heat.

Hope truly changes everything.
When I worked alongside the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) nurses between 2012-2016 as I filled in and then eventually moved into the full-time role of social worker there. I learned early on that when any sign or conversation included "HOPE" in a baby's situation, everyone involved would have an emotional shift. It changed everything, just knowing that there "might" be a chance for good or better or living or quality.

It's the same in everyday-mundane life.
HOPE changes everything.
The fact that we know based upon science and Biblical Truth that our minds can be renewed, retrained, regenerate particular cells that help us think better, make wiser choices and that inevitably impact everyone else around us for good is beyond AMAZING.

Even the simple belief that we CAN or WILL do something, moves our minds into another gear that leads us into an outcome we desire (not always) but more often than not. We get to CHOOSE and have a CHOICE.

Hope changes everything.
So I will write and keep practicing.

Right Now :: September Edition

* Pumpkin Spice lit candle on my craft desk (a.k.a. writing desk, work space, area of task-mastering).

* wearing an athletic tank top and shorts because the humidity make the 81 degrees seem hotter

* working through a "procrastination" exercise (isn't it ironic don't you think?)

* boys are 7 and 11 and somehow still enjoy Pokemon battles together

* trying to narrow my focus down to 3-5 tasks a day which is still really large

* not sure what I want to do for my birthday (40!) 

* attended a vocal lesson with a friend this morning which was very enlightening (I've never really known how to use my diaphragm in singing)

September

September is always a dreaming month for me as it is my birth month.

I naturally reflect on the last 365 days as well as multiple years of my life.
I view God's faithfulness.
Seek some clarity in the events that unfolded and often find that I simply need to Trust that God's plan is working as He deems good for me.
NEVER STOP GROWING.

So with that...I'm 20 days from another year around this sun...down.

IMPROVE THE MOMENT
IMAGINE the outcome you want from your current situation.
* So where are you? What about your situation would you like to be different? What about your situation is a the same?
* Picture yourself interacting with the (new) world around you.

For me, I'm not quite in the desert nor the promised land...I'm somewhere in between. I'd like more direction in my current situation with family, with profession, with gentleness and radical acceptance towards myself. I'd like to have a more openness to my soul and my mind and landscapes, meaning confidence and motivation to move forward, head outside, take on the world, take on a child, seize the day type of mentality. And part of that includes ME NOT THINKING when I initially wake up because then I OVERTHINK.

I like the current freedom and flexibility of my time in this season as I'm not employed and am able to focus on household work, children's development and if I want-to dream. However, I'm often scattered and not honed into my current present.

MEANING - find meaning in a situation or season.
* Am I learning anything about myself?
* What lessons can I take away from this?
* How will things be different in the future?
* In the grand scheme of things, how much does this really matters?

For me, I'm learning that I do desire a type of structure and need to practice The Five Second Rule 5-4-3-2-1, so that I don't use my time unwisely scrolling or spaghetti-brain chasing my tail.
I am learning that Radical Acceptance of a season is so important to embrace when circumstances or others' responses are truly out of my control and that I can have control over how I think about the season (rather than walking around disappointment, I pick myself back up, sit before God and ask "what next?").
In the future, I will still risk friendship, risk vulnerability and risk authenticity, because it is who I am. I will still share deep learnings and sufferings...I just won't expect people to understand or to respond in an empathetic manner with grace.
In the blimp that is life, a season of disappointment will become very small in the rearview mirror as long as we/I move forward.

PRAY/PRACTICE - connecting with God and doing anything with a sense of purpose for His glory 

RELAX - there is no quick fix, meditate or do a body scan and observe your body

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT - in times of trouble your mind tends to run in the past or the future, so bring yourself back to the present moment with a GROUNDING practice.
* sitting on the ground * going outside and planting your feet in the grass * closing your eyes and visualizing your breath traveling in and out as you breathe * moving your hands through water or sand * pick a flower and smell it * cover the crown of your head * Hum a song * stand up and press your feet into the ground * take a cold or hot shower or bath * sit criss-cross applesauce with your palms up open in surrender

VACATION - staycation, daydream, don't run away from your problems - rather take a break.
* phone a friend * listen to your favorite song * go outside * do a yoga pose * take yourself out of the situation

ENCOURAGEMENT - pretend you are talking to a friend and imagine what you would say to your friend to encourage them.

 "Kara, you are exactly where you need to be and you are learning to persevere daily to work through your own mess so that you can then help others. It begins with depending on God, leaning towards Him and inviting Him in. You can't see the whole picture, you can't understand it all, only He can. If you want to a beautiful soul then you must go through the struggle and you will come out on the other side...again and again. You are a work-in-progress until Heaven."

August 2020 :: 2 years since we opened up...1 full year since we moved.

 It seems impossible that I haven't written here since last year in October.

At the same time between moving, reorienting, housing renting then buying, then holidays then narrowly almost losing my mother to septic shock, then COVID-19 quarantine and summer...so much has transpired.

It felt eerie from March - June with the global shut-down. It was a familiar feeling to us as a family. 
See we lost our community, our church family, our reasons for staying in Ohio beginning September 2018 until we moved to Northern KY in August 2019. 

It was almost a full year without deep friendships, laughter around tables, discussions about life and growth. It was SURVIVAL.

We only had each other, the boys, our dog, our cat, each other. 
The world was experiencing what we had essentially experienced just months before. 
We'd only go through drive throughs because if felt too painful to encounter old/former friends who abandoned (our view) us or to encounter a person who had no clue what we were enduring with the separation from the church that was never our intention nor our choice. 

Churches as families are representations of God's son Jesus Christ's relationship with his bride. The gospel speaks of undeserved grace and of repentance. Reconciliation is at the heart of God's plan.
A Church is like an ER for the soul-hurting heart and shows God to those brokenhearted and in need of grace. But "when the grace runs out..." human decision-making can be tainted. 

I digress, there is so much more to this story but that's not the point of this post.

It's been 2 years since I shared my struggle and my son's struggle with depression to our small group at the time (near friends we considered family) and that Mark shared his dark place too........we never received the chance to follow-up with those former friends to tell them what a weight was lifted during that evening discussion of sharing (we experienced the day and week after)....since our confidence was betrayed and they didn't know how to walk alongside us and spoke about it to others.

Secret meetings, misunderstanding, leaving my voice out of discussions. It was 2 years ago that our world began to flip around and 20 more days until we were abandoned to go "heal" separate from those who had previously supported us. LESSON LEARNED: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN A FRIEND REACHES OUT IN PAIN...DO SOMETHING. The phrase "I'll pray for you" became a curse phrase to us...DO SOMETHING. Bring a meal, sit and listen, send a text or make a call.

DON'T ASSUME.
The pain still hurts but I do see now...God's hand, provision and his protection.

Raw Thoughts Right Now...October...

I feel like nothing without producing...
It's a sad reality that after working outside the home and commuting that I always felt "on" and ever since then...I have struggled with feeling that need to be productive because "time is money".

I realize there are a lot of mental strongholds in my mind that have been built up over time and that I need to re-examine how I think. I have blasted our culture for it's "rush" and "hustle" mentality which strips our kids of their childhoods and forces families to choose between a sport or family time or church or a sport, or healthy rhythms and productive: money-making avenues.

Maybe I just need to ramble. I feel like this wilderness of 2018 and 2019 has situated me as a wanderer and seeking all kinds of idols and "methods" for relief while feeling confused, disappointed and angry about our life routine and departure from Ohio (where I Thought we'd spend much time while our boys went through school; where I Thought we had found and formed genuine community and where people would reach out and help those struggling...that's not what I discovered...and where I Thought I would blossom and become more of who God desired me to be...but I didn't, I became a hermit and recluse, anxious and overwhelmed, hating life, hating myself and struggling as a mother, a wife, a woman, a daughter of God).

I don't like writing and typing much right now because what comes out of me are words and phrases that I don't want to describe me. THIS is not me...the anxious one took over my world and rocked all the securities that I used to rely on and felt comfortable by and the craziest thing is that I wanted her to do that...I didn't want to be too comfortable or complacent but she has gone too far the other way and I'm propensity to 'give up' skyrocketed during all the disappointments.

We are here in a new city, new surroundings, new people, new church, new families, new school, new rhythms, new bugs, new challenges and new outlooks but the haze is still present. I want the haze to go away and permanently leave me alone...alone but that's not how it works. The darkness actually shows more of the Light I want to move toward which is good, but that shadows also loom. It's an odd feeling to intentionally choose Joy each day and seek Hope and yet still "feel" outside of yourself. I know I'm still not "me". But I'm not okay yet still on my way.

September Happened

September was our "trying to settle into a routine" month. For the most part we accomplished that part. I began a Beachbody Program called 100 Day Morning Meltdown and have stuck to the workouts in the mornings (mostly with my friend Carrie).

School helps the routine a little and then I was also volunteering 3 hours for 3 days a week at the boys' after-school program. It was quite stressful to be honest to be around all of the noise and chaos but after 4 weeks I have come to know most of the kids and have relationships with some of them. Probably the most intriguing part about participating in this program is seeing how my boys react to their peers' behavior. I found that my boys even when they didn't know I was present, would make good choices. My youngest struggled more than I thought he would and my oldest was more of a leader. Of course being a 5th grader and one of the oldest kids helps.

We at times were feverishly looking for a house to buy and had thought about buying one AS IS through auction because it was in the neighborhood we wanted. However, after further deliberation opted to pursue a regular house through the traditional method (real estate agent). And on Sept 30th we did put an offer on a house which is mostly updated and ready to move into.

Most of the month of September was good as I reflect. I still have struggled with the feelings of loss and sadness even with experiencing get-togethers with new friends. It's like I wish someone could read my mind and know what I need. I turned 39 and my youngest turned 7 without much fan-fair. My husband arranged a girls-night out which was wonderful and much needed. We swam for my 7 year old's birthday because of course the weather was in the 90's at the end of September (what?!!)

September was also a lot of rearranging in the rental house and trying to declutter. But I'm still struggling with the move and I guess that is to be expected as we move forward.

Be 100 :: Committing to 100 Workouts & to Helping Myself Overcome

PERFECT MORNING ROUTINE
I would awake to my alarm (because 5:10am is simply too early, I agree now with everyone who ever told me that when I awoke at 5:00am for years). I grab my glasses and waterbottle and roll out of bed. DO NOT THINK. Bathroom Session :: Potty, wash hands, brush teeth, wipe my eyes, put clothes on (already laid out in bathroom night before), put socks & shoes on, drink pre-workout drink.

@ HOME ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ PRESS PLAY on phone...DO NOT THINK, have weights out if needed and water available. Complete workout and then write in Be 100 Book or Morning Pages Cross off Day on Calendar. Pray.

W/FRIEND ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Grab keys and purse with protein bar pre-packed and walk out of the house. Drive to friend's house or elsewhere. Begin workout...talk during and afterwards but not before. Cross off Day on Calendar. Write in Be 100 Book or in Morning Pages as I eat protein bar. Pray and then drive back home for an immediate shower (or to get boys ready for school).

COMMITMENT
I will remain motivated to complete the 100 workouts because by the end I want to be able to feel good about myself, have more clarity in my mind and soul about the routine I have begun and my ears to be more open to God.

What may slow me down is the nutrition. Meal prep is only so useful and then I become overwhelmed so having go-to items I can grab will be important and eating and certain times of day that I already know would be helpful. And keeping sugar at bay and out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

JOTTING THE COURSE :: September, Phase One (1-20)

WHY BE 100?

My 'Why' includes changing a pattern that I watched growing up in my extended family and also the body issues I have allowed myself to continue to struggle with into my adult life. Emotional eating has been a part of my story for most of my years except when I was disciplined, had a 'why', was helping others and overcoming it back in the summer of 2016. I saw the momentum for change and embraced it. 

Food is a distraction for me, a comfort and an excuse to not pursue my God-given gifts. I'd rather sit down and put something in my mouth than face any negative emotions or push through the awkwardness or uncomfortable feelings of putting myself out into the world. I might fail, I might fall, I might be worse off in the end is what I tell myself...but I'm stuck and that's just as worse a feeling/reality. 

So my 'why' includes (good knees) for the future to walk and play with my kids & grandkids; (weight management) to lessen my risk of cancer, heart disease and diabetes or any other chronic conditions; (self-control) to practice obedience and my love for God by using food as a fuel and not as an idol; (thinking my most kind and helpful thoughts) about myself, movement and food so that I can be Light to others and an example to my kids; and (fitting into my clothes) without struggle or twisting so I can pay more attention to others' needs and not be so self-conscious of me. 

WHO IS YOUR BE 100 TRIBE AND WHY
My friends Rachel and Carrie, Christy who is already cycling like a crazy person which I LOVE! Stacy who essentially does this already and has for years without any formal name or program.

August Happened

I wish I could say that I was more proactive than reactive with August. I tried my best to prepare our medical providers' and documents and to complete all Kentucky forms for our kids so they could seamlessly enroll in the school we wanted.

I admittedly freaked out way too much and stressed myself out, but it was all done and completed well. After decluttering the house in July, it was time for me to sort and let go of possessions we didn't want to move on August 21st so I went to town and got rid of a lot of stuff (it didn't look like it by the time the house was packed up, but it's less than it was.)

The moving day was hard, fast, chaotic, and tiring but it happened and except for a few items, nothing broke. I unpacked what I could and tried to put more in storage, but boxes still remain in the truck bed since our storage unit is packed. Going from a 6 bedroom, 3 bathroom with a basement 2200 sq ft to a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom maybe a 1000 sq ft rental had it's challenges. But when I think of it, I'd been waiting to do this kind of move for a while and even while watching Tiny House Nation.

The boys acclimated to school and are still working towards that with our church. Our oldest son has developed a good friendship and we await our youngest to continue to make some friends. Our 17th anniversary came and went without much fuss or fanfare. There was just too much going on, so maybe a trip or outing later this year?

July Happened

July Happened and was a whirlwind of "I knew this would happen like this..." meaning the path that God was helping us prepare for by WAITING FOR SO LONG, opened up and it was time to jump fast.

We knew we were going to move to Kentucky from Ohio, it was just a matter of time before we'd have to jump and the boys starting school really became the catalyst for that. The selling of the house went as smooth I guess as it could have gone with some minor bumps.

The boys did the best they could knowing that they would be moving, attending a new school and especially my oldest (leaving a good friend). Their mindsets were forward-facing which was helpful even in the emotional times.

So we prepped the house, decluttered and put the house on the Market.

June Happened

Well, the month of June happened. It sure did. It began with continued uncertainty and ended with at least a door open and at most, multiple doors closed. That is sort of how this life-thing works.

I feel torn between being tired of the grief that I have experienced (loss of friendships, absence of authentic community and security of financial futures and home setting) and the hovering change that is about to take place...moving.

I'd known it, I've owned it, I've dreamt of it and I've accepted. But uncertainty comes in ways. I'm learning that I must remain curious and open. There is only one person who wants for me to remain closed: the Enemy.

"Protect yourself" he whispers in my ear..."people are like this, they will disappoint you...your story doesn't matter nor does your experience." LIES. LIES. But man they are believable indeed!!

So I take this time to acknowledge that the "in-between" of waiting is one of the hardest experiences I have ever endured. And this has gone on for years. Waiting for a family, waiting for when the timing of adoption was right (it wasn't, we got a dog), waiting for ministry to get better, waiting for friendships to go deeper, waiting for the dress to fit, waiting for my boys to grow more to be able to do x...y....z....

While we are waiting...we can serve. I haven't done that well and I know that. I haven't showed up every day of my life and especially every day of this past year. I can cowar just like anyone and have done so, and I have missed the piece of friendship where another person challenges me to be who God called me to be. I want that kind of friendship.

That's all for now.

Just Some Inspiration :: 1

Just Some Inspiration from my Past

a painting, a canvas, book excerpts

Release Revolution :: Stay Free of the Entanglements of Sin

Our Enemy's Tools: Temptation, Deception, Accusation

My Mess

Satan wants me to believe that I am a “nobody” and that no one would benefit from my life or my presence or my story.

He deceives me into shame and accuses me of counterfeit actions and feelings. He wants to flatten me and destroy me. It’s working too...but praise to my Jesus who whispers love and grace into my ears. Praise to my Jesus who lets me know that He can carry me. He just asks me to confess, talk with Him and turn from my ways to Him.

But sometimes I don’t think that I can. I’m too broken and life hurts too much. It doesn’t make sense and His timing is not fast enough. The answers lay hidden in another place out of my sight and out of my reach. I fear that I have missed out. Somehow the actions of others are my fault and I deserve all this confusion and uncertainty. I’m not steadfast enough and doubt too much. I question authority a lot but feel silenced by my conservative notions.

I’m torn. I’m paralyzed, the enemy knows this and he loves it. It keeps me quiet in the shadows. But I know more will come. I know my time hasn’t passed...I’m not missing out. Such lies, terrible lies full of distorted truth.

My Message :: I am worthy through Jesus and not just myself. I am loved and known. Jesus please help my stares be on you because ”where I stare is where I am steered.”

The Entanglements of Sin keeps up captive to what our enemy wants us to achieve = destruction. He wants to crush us. And we have to acknowledge this...

Release Revolution :: Things I Cannot Let Go of Yet

Who would have ever thought that letting go of things would feel almost as traumatic and losing a precious memory?

I cannot yet let go of:
* Knowledge - items that bring me more knowledge (papers I've printed out, certain book subjects that I love or desire to learn more about)

* Handprints - my boys' handprints on ANYTHING (I've even taken pictures of the mementos telling myself "Ok now you can get rid of the physical piece.") I was given a turtleneck years ago that a babysitter then placed handprints of my oldest child and the feet of my youngest child (who was literally 3 weeks old) and although I've never worn it because it's too large...I cannot part with the physical piece of it.

* Dr. Seuss Books - the fear of missing out on what my boys could learn is what keeps me and the absolute joy of having such a collection of hard little Dr. Seuss Books that we can celebrate in one week out of the year in his birthday week

* gifts that have not been used but are perfectly packaged

* event calendars (FOMO big time holds me on these)

* older workout videos, DVDs and instruction guides (these were so good and worked! I can't get rid of them! What if I don't have access to WiFi and need a DVD instead?) And of course what I default to: I paid good money for these items that I don't use now!

Release Revolution :: Discovering what Needs to be Healed

This isn't just a Release of possessions but is also a release of inner turmoil or angst or distress that has built up in my body, mind and spirit.

In discovering what needs to be healed, we can take simple and intentional steps to move forward.

What are these steps? Well I can read all I want in all kinds of books, but I am finding out that whatever it is that needs healed in us often is shown through reviewing how we cope.

When are the times you run to food, alcohol, any substance or ignore the small voice in your head that tells you "let's face this together"? When do you tend to feel like crawling in a hole? What is it about these times that propels you into shame?

And again I can ask all the questions in the world but until you and I STOP and PAUSE to consider where our pain is (literally and/or figuratively) we will not be able to even begin to identify where we may need healing.

I sense that my strong tendency to numb with food is because I need healing in the area of loving myself enough to allow myself to feel bad...to feel sad...to feel overwhelmed...to feel unloved. And that my thought-process needs to shift in order to better understand that these are feelings and that my mind is more powerful than I believe. My presence in another's life matters more than I think. And my brave is much braver than I could ever imagine.

I know my Creator and even when I feel distant from Him, it's ok to come back around and sit with Him in silence and ask Him "what needs to be healed?" "Can you help me please?"

And this begins...the process...(all over again)...and I'm a better person for it.

Release Revolution :: Throw Off What Hinders Part 2

I come back to possessions again and again, because I spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME thinking about them.

The negative effects of having a lot of stuff:

1.) Time is wasted managing the stuff.

2.) Money is wasted buying stuff.

3.) Your mind is distracted thinking about what you want to buy next. Researching it. Pinning it. Dreaming about it. Changing your mind about it. Returning it if it doesn’t work.

4.) Waste is created from all the stuff that is bought, used, and trashed.

5.) We become attached to and dependent on our stuff instead of 100% relying on God.

6.) The clutter is a constant reminder that we always have a huge to do list, that we can’t “get it together,” that we’re forgetting something, etc.

Six steps to begin to simplify.

1.) Keep a donate bin in a designated spot in your home at all times.

2.) Pray. Ask God to help you rely on Him and grow as you go through the process.

3.) Trust. He will provide what you need when you need it. Breathe deeply and remember this if you are having a hard time letting things go.

4.) Choose ONE room and only focus on that room. Don’t skip around. Confusion keeps you from completing things.

5.) Reduce by a %. Decide you are going to keep 80% of what’s in the room. You probably don’t even use 80% of what’s there but the first layer of the onion is letting go of 20% of the things you don’t use, need, or love.

6.) Focus on the solution, the end result, the feeling of freedom. 

I am going to work on only keeping things that I love and use.

“Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?” ~Matthew 6:26

“And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”~Philippians 4:19

Release Revolution :: Throw Off What Hinders Us

So what is it?
What is it that is hindering you today?

For me, it remains distractions.
Distractions hinder me...whether they are possessions, social media, clothes that don't fit anymore, the chocolate calling me from the pantry or freezer, the broken friendship where we don't talk anymore...
What is it?

Lately, I sense the need to throw off "busy". In fact, I want to "boycott busy" as Courtney Carver says in her excellent book "Soulful Simplicity". There is a badge of honor in our culture for 'busy' and we continue to exacerbate it by constantly talking to one another about it and almost one-uping each other about how much is on our plates.

It's ridiculous. So for 21 days (like a challenge) We Boycott Busy by Slowing Down

Here is how:
1. Stop talking about it. (Days 1-7)
    ban the word "busy" from your vocabulary and ask better questions like "What made you smile today?" "Did anything interesting happen today?" rather than "How are you?"
2. Do less. (Days 8-14)
    Rather than searching for more efficient ways to do it all (hello-pinterest), do less. Say no more and do what matters most to you. Work with people who want your best and not your busy.
    Each day for these 7 days eliminate one thing off of your to-do list. Don't postpone it, just let it go (ok, mailing off items, buh-bye).
    Know your strengths: what do you do best? What can you delegate or release completely?
3. Linger, longer. (Days 15-21)
    Listen to the slower voice in your head, "you can stop now...it's okay to be still and listen to your soul or stop to say a prayer." Savor good food, conversation or views. Breathe. Lose the guilt. The opposite of a busy life is a a full and intentional life.

What hinders you?
What hinders me?....perfectionism, expecting myself to be other worldly and not have all these human feelings and aspirations

doubt hinders me...questioning is natural and part of life, but doubt halts the curious process and moves me away from my faith in seeing what is unseen

So I will allow perfectionism and doubt to flow through my hands and away from my mind and body and soul...it doesn't serve me.

Release Revolution :: My Story & Prayer

In this Release Revolution season, I can now see that many times I try to piece my own story together by combining others' stories. For instance, I read about how an artist came to be the artist that she is and I immediately connect with this person's story and begin to use some of their words or phrases to describe a piece of myself.

I do this and realize that I have my very own words for this time; yet, I do not trust that my words as accurate, nor as eloquent as what the other artist has said. And then it dawns of me...I don't accept my version of who I am.

It's bold...I do not fully accept the version of who I am and how I would state my season.

It's very revealing if you think about it. It's easy to use another's words and descriptions for your own life experience since you connect with it. However, we have our own words to use and our own thoughts to think.

So coming now to my story and my current prayer "Lord, please take my broken and make it beautiful," I see how my deep brokenness of this season of life may help another person. Someone else may connect with my description and even want to use my words...but I hope and encourage this person to really look into how they would describe their own season and their own brokenness. It is so revealing.

My cracks and brokenness have and will continue to leave scars on my heart, soul and skin. My prayer is that God fills those places with His beauty and uses it for His good to help another. Sometimes I find it hard to face my thoughts these days knowing that some self-pity-filled feeling may be around the corner that will convince me that I'm always going to be stuck.

It's a seductive kind of feeling and thought-process and one that leads me to begin to believe that I deserve things in this life that I really don't. Disappointment sets in and then doubt rules the day and once again I am bound to my emotions. That is not the way I want to live. Steadfast and with faith is how I want to live.

Release Revolution :: Less is More :: Taking My Mess to More

It's a process and a title and a revolution that I have considered for over 2 years now.

After reading "7" by Jen Hatmaker in the Fall of 2014 the wheels in my mind began turning and God ignited a spark in my heart that would plague me from then on into the present day. I use the word "plague" because it ate at me walking around my house and seeing all of the "stuff"  that I held dear and the continual items I would bring into our house in an effort to make it a "home". The stress of it has paralyzed me for stretches at a time and exacerbated my experience of depression and anxiety.

I finally accepted that at the age of 34, I was indeed my mother. I held onto memories, items, plastics and glass that I had in my mind meant something so much to me that I would keep it and store it and move it around to the next storage dwelling we would have in our next season of life. I was captive and addicted to my "stuff".

I still am as much as I've worked to reduce the amount of items in our home and to let go of ideals and pictures of who I "think I should be" versus who I really am and how I am wired.

Downsizing has always felt like a dirty word to me because our culture continues to express how "upsizing" or "upgrading" is the best thing ever and means you have arrived or are better than someone else. Truth-be-told I grew up taking trips driving south on Meridian Street north of Indianapolis which is lined with mansions and told my parents, "I'm going to live in one of those someday...I love them." I appreciate architecture and character and simply admire these pictures, but I have grown to realize and see that family dysfunction lives inside mansions too...addictions live inside big house and small huts. Thus, it doesn't matter if you live in a "happier ever after house" if you don't have love and don't know yourself.

So when we moved into our current home - which was a total God story, that's 2,288 sq feet plus a half finished basement, 6 bedrooms and 3 full bathrooms on .27 acres in a cul-de-sac neighborhood and has a darling little house in the back where I am come to enjoy as a painting studio, I was elated.

I was elated...and continued to be until more life started to happy and my boys grew older and more "stuff" came into the house. They didn't play with all of it. I didn't play with all of my stuff either.

I wanted matching this and retro that. I would stare through ads online, in my email and on flyers to see what was on sale. I would browse hours on Marketplace in Facebook and Craigslist just to find the look that Joanna Gaines might have pieced together for a Fixer Upper show. IKEA catalogs used to give me oodles of ideas but I never felt that I had time to really enjoy my home anyway. I worked full-time. My children were in childcare full-time and my husband worked hours with his congregation as a minister.

My office at work was the place where it was the most "me" and it didn't have that much and I enjoyed that. I enjoyed not having to choose a certain stapler or pen. There weren't choices. You just took one and used it. I wanted my home to be this way but how? Seriously HOW?

Each time I decluttered I felt better but a part of me grab even tighter on to things that I felt were pricesless to me (i.e. honeymoon shirts or pamphlets from trips). Simply things really.

But it's time. Upon reading what has amounted to be a thorough investigation into minimalism and living with less while enjoying life more (see book list below)...it's time. STUFF HAS TO GO. LIVE HAS TO BE LIVED AGAIN. RELEASE REVOLUTION. So today remove and place items in our garage that I'm ready to part with and then Tuesday is the next step...some ideas for the stuff "DECLUTTER KINDNESS" giveaway in my driveway (free items)...
donating some items to my boys' school?
donating to Goodwill or Salvation Army?
I'm over selling things on Facebook and in Facebook groups. The time it takes to arrange pick ups or for people to actually come and pick something up off of my porch is overrated. It's almost as bad as having a yard sale anymore for me.

Pictures to come...release release release "fear asked 'if you let go will you have enough'?" Yes, yes I will have enough. No, I will not miss out.

Soulful Simplicity by Courtney Carver
The More of Less by Joshua Becker
Simplified Life by Emily Ley
Downsizing and Lose Clutter, Lose Weight by Peter Walsh
The Magic of Tidying Up and Spark Joy by Marie Kondo
The Minimalists - Documentary on Netflix

How to Write Your Faith Journey :: Part Two :: My Path to Art

In looking at my faith journey early on, it makes sense that I would pursue Social Work out of a righteous pursuit for justice for the marginalized or poor population and to seek to extend mercy to others. My faith fueled my desire to help others who weren't understood, especially since I rarely felt misunderstood as an adolescence. Goodness, I still feel misunderstood even now.

I don't like placing people into boxes, diagnoses and labels; even if there is some benefits to this method due to research and evidence-based practice. Sometimes many people can be helped with one method but often many others fall through the cracks because we created this box for them. So for me, I pursued this profession rather than art, because I felt my faith wanted to see concrete outcomes in healing (i.e. witness transformations).

Social Work led me into reliable income and provided an identity as healer. I wanted to be who I needed most when I was younger essentially. This sounds all-well and good and was meant for good. But I believe that I might have missed out on the "great" by pursuing conventional means to see concrete outcomes.

It took burnout in my NICU Social Work role and complex family life to FINALLY reconnect me fully with the art that had fed my soul in childhood. I went through the Chazown process (pursuing my life purpose and mission) through Lifechurch.tv and was able to create a mission statement that really spoke with my desire to help women and to allow myself to be vulnerable. I felt so boxed up at the hospital that when I came home and painted, often with Kelly Rae Roberts via her online courses, that I felt freer and more able to process through the trauma of the day.

Through this process, art was my therapy and a way to heal myself and recover from burnout. As Julia Cameron says in The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, I had been living as a shadow artist, "someone who loves art, did art as a child and is surrounded by artists, but is not creating art." As I painted I would give close friends and then later coworkers specific paintings that I had in mind for them. Their reactions helped to fuel my confidence as I painted more and created life-giving messages out of my mess.

Although I am more paralyzed these days than I was initially, the spark still remains and on given days I can be found swaying in my studio in deep thought and chasing squirrels out of my head as I use my hands to create with paint.

This photo painting inspires me today.